“Yes. I can see where that would be a problem,” the Due said, avoiding their eyes.
“Now, we don't mind risking our necks for money,” Pookie said. “That's our business. It's just that we'd like some kind of assurance that we'll actually get our money at the end of it”
“What do you suggest?”
“Put it in escrow,” Pookie said with a shrug. “Send the money to … say, the sheriff to hold until the job's over. We check with him, make sure the money's there and waiting for us, then we go after your Hefalump.”
“That's fine by me,” the Due said, licking his lips. “Ill be glad when this situation is handled, believe me. As far as I'm concerned, the beast could go on doing its thing. It didn't bother anybody until they expanded their fields into its territory. If the farmers hadn't threatened to with-hold their taxes until I did something about it, I would have just ignored the whole thing.”
“Part of the price of ruling, I guess,” Pookie said. “So, if we're in agreement, well drop by the sheriffs … say, tomorrow to check on the reward. Then well be on our way.”
“… 496 … 497 … 498 … 499 … 500! It's all here.”
Pookie waved at her junior partner as she poured yet another flagon of wine for the sheriff.
“I gotta hand it to you two,” the sheriff said, raising the flagon in a mock toast. “I always thought the Due was clever, but you've got him beat. ‘Put the money in escrow.’ I tell you with all the sell-swords and adventurers that have come through here, no one else has come up with that move.”
“We've just had a little more experience with money grubbers than most” Pookie smiled, sipping at her own drink.
“Umm … can I ask a question?” Spyder said.
“You not only can, you may,” her companion said. “Huh?”
“Never mind.” Pookie waved. “What's the question?”
“Well, you keep talking about how clever the Due is,” Spyder said with a frown. “I wasn't all that impressed with him.”
“Bit of a scum bag, isn't he,” Pookie said with a grimace. “Do you see what I mean about the offers female bodyguards get?”
“So what makes him so clever?”
“You have to learn to listen closer, dear,” Pookie said. “The Due had no intention of paying us… or anyone else regardless of the failure or success.”
“He didn't?”
“Add up the pieces,” Pookie said, counting off the points on her fingers. “First, the farmers try to expand their holdings and run into a local critter, the Hefalump, that takes offense at their trespassing. Second, by his own admission, the Due would have ignored it, but the farmers threatened to withhold their tax monies unless he did something. His response was to offer a reward to anyone who would kill or scare off the beast.”
Spyder frowned thoughtfully, then shook her head. “So what's wrong with that?”
“Nothing's wrong with it,” Pookie said. “It's actually very clever. He had to do something, so what he did was make an offer. A move that cost him no money or effort. Simply by making the offer, he kept the farmers paying taxes.”
“And if anyone were actually successful going up against the Hefalump, he could renege on the payment and it still cost him nothing,” Spyder finished. “That is kind of clever. But we outfoxed him with this escrow thing, huh.”
“Not really.” Pookie shrugged. “Remember the sheriff here answers to the Due. That's why the Due agreed so readily. Tell me, Sheriff, were your instructions to send the money back as soon as we went after the Hefalump, or were you supposed to wait until tomorrow?”
Silence answered her.
“Hey! He's asleep!” Spyder said.
“Yes,” Pookie said without looking. “And with what I put in his drink, he should be out until well after midnight”
She rose to her feet and stretched. “So, Little Sister, gather up that lovely gold and we'll be on our way.”
“What?” Spyder exclaimed. “You mean we're just going to take the gold without going after the Hefalump at all? But that's …”
“Stealing,” Pookie said. “If you want to pretty it up, the Due was ready to swindle adventurers by taking advantage of their short-sightedness. We're just returning the favor. Remember I told you that adventurers are thieves or killers … and you specifically said that, if possible, you'd rather be a thief?” She paused and considered the sleeping sheriff. “Of course, if you've changed your mind, we could slit his throat on the way out”
“But won't they come after us?”
“And admit that they've been flimflammed? By a couple females?” Pookie smiled. “I doubt it Even if they do, they don't even have our names when it comes to tracking us down, Looking for a Klahd and a Pervect, they'd be lucky if they didn't run smack into Aahz and Skeeve.”
MYTH-CALCULATIONS
By Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye
I eyed Guido as he slid into the booth opposite me. We were at the very back of the inn in the Bazaar, a favorite spot of ours to relax, but also to do business. It was one of the few places where a Troll such as I fit behind the tables as readily as Deveels, Klahds, and Imps, probably a tribute to their high-fat cuisine. I signed to the innkeeper to bring us the specialty of the house.
“Three strawberry milkshakes,” I said. “Will that suit you, Tananda?” My little sister nodded, still keeping her attention on Guido. The Mob enforcer, as dapper as ever in his big-shouldered sharkskin suit, seemed uncomfortable, shifting on the slick bench. I caught the bartender just before he turned away. “Oh, and if anyone's looking for us, we're not here.”
“Whatever you say, Chumley,” the proprietor said, with a cheery wave.
“Thanks, Chumley,” Guido said, keeping his fedora in front of his face.
“Well,” I said, keeping my voice low, since Guido had asked for confidentiality. “To what do we owe this meeting? We always welcome a chance to chat with friends.”
Guido worked a finger under his collar as if to loosen it “Dis is by way of bein' business,” he admitted. “Don Bruce has gotta problem.”
Tananda's eyebrows went up, and I know mine were the mirror of hers. Though my face was masculine, enormous, and covered by fur, with tusks at the corners of my mouth, and hers was female, elfin, and beautiful, those people who knew our family could easily see the resemblance. “What kind of problem would he have that he can't handle by himself?” I asked.
“It's kind of embarrassin',” Guido said, hesitating again. “It's a financial problem. He's still flush, for now, but if word gets around he might start havin' to reach further down in his pockets, and dat he does not like to do.”
I was cognizant of that. The Don was generous to his friends and those of his relatives on whom he doted, but he disliked having to “shell out,” as he would say. “Word of what?”
“Well, it's somethin' goin' on here in the Bazaar, which is why I come to youse.” Guido shot a quick glance around to make certain we were not overheard. Several Deveel merchants had noticed the three of us for, though we were in a private booth at the rear of the establishment, my size did not lend itself to subtle concealment. When I turned toward them and bared my teeth, they quickly not-looked at something else. Guido continued.