“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine,” she said. “But Petrov will shoot you dead if he hears even a whisper of that.”
“Not if I shoot first.” I started to leave, but she called my name and I stopped.
“I hope I’m not out of line,” she said, slowly picking her words. “But I want to ask you to do something, sometime, and I’m only asking you because I’m your friend and I want to help.”
I snorted. “Help me what?”
“Be free of superstition.”
I shook my head, annoyed at her for keeping this conversation going and at myself for continuing to subject myself to it. I should have left. “Say what you will. I guess I should know what my wingman thinks of me.”
“I want you to pray for something tonight,” she said. “Anything, but make it something miraculous. And if it happens, tell me, and I’ll admit I’m the one wrong about all things divine. Otherwise, I hope you’ll realize your prayers don’t fall on deaf ears. They fall on no ears because there is no god out there. Maybe then you’ll stop torturing yourself.”
“A miracle, huh?” I said. I wanted to retort with something along the lines of even Christ said to not test God, but I figured it was pointless. I was also curious at her answer to my next question. “So what would count as a miracle? The dead rising from the grave?”
Alexandra smiled. “Maybe not as dramatic, but if you could turn water into chocolate, that would do it. I’d prefer a sweet treat to walking corpses any day of the week.”
“Fine.”
“And when it doesn’t—”
“Yes, I know what you said,” I snapped as I left. I knew if I stayed much longer I’d say or do something I’d regret. Or worse, I’d do something I didn’t regret and would never be able to fix.
I went back to my dugout and stewed over her words. It irritated me to no end for her to dismiss my beliefs in such a fashion. I was by no means the world’s greatest theologian, but to insinuate I hadn’t ever wondered why some prayers were answered and some were not was insulting, even if she wasn’t trying to be. I think deep down I was also mad because I didn’t have an answer, and that birthed insecurities as to whether or not my worldview was the correct one.
I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. My arm cramped, and the chronic pain in it grew from both cold and stress. I thought about dipping into my morphine supply, but there were only a handful of syrettes left, and I didn’t want to have to use them unless I had to. Not to mention the fact I didn’t want to steal any more, since at some point the missing supplies would be noticed. I already had had two nightmares that the doctor had gone to Petrov about the matter.
Those dreams paled in comparison to the one I had when my father confronted me. In that dream, he didn’t come at me with anger, only disappointment. Having always been his little girl that could do no wrong, it broke me to see him like that. When I woke from that dream, I stayed awake for two hours with nothing but my conscience for company.
I ended up napping as a way to cope with both pain and frustrations. I’d planned on getting up for dinner, but when I woke again, it was dark outside, and Valeriia was messing with the lantern near the entrance.
“Sorry,” she said with a yawn. “I’ll turn it off in a moment. I was trying to find another pillow.”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Zhenia got you out of flying tonight?”
“No. The doctor told Kazarinova I was fit to fly,” she said, making her way to a bunk. “So I’m on duty. The plane is ready on the runway. Kazarinova is letting me sleep in here until I’m called.”
“Is there still food in the mess hall?” I asked when my stomach rumbled.
“There’s stuff there they say is edible, but I wouldn’t call it food. If you’re going, can you get the light?”
“Of course.”
I slipped on my boots, grabbed my jacket, and left after turning off the lantern. I nearly tripped on the way out as my eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness yet. Funny how the body was like that. I got about dozen meters before someone ran by, yelling for Valeriia.
I was about to fetch her from the dugout when I saw the light from the lantern come on. Valeriia came dashing out a few moments later. She stumbled as she did, likely hitting the same spot that had tripped me moments ago.
“There’s a step there!” I yelled, having a bit of light-hearted fun at her expense. “You’ll never get your second kill if you can’t keep from kissing the ground.”
“I’ll get mine before you get yours!”
The corners of my mouth drew back. So she had heard about what Alexandra and I had done. I wondered if she was as proud of me as I was of her. I reminded myself to ask her when she got back. In a friendly rivalry way, I prayed she wouldn’t get to shoot anyone down that night.
I didn’t see her climb in to her fighter, but I did hear the engine start, and I did hear her plane race down the runway. Then I saw the fireball, and her plane disintegrated.
Chapter Fifteen
The thud of my feet echoed in my ears. Behind me I could hear alarms. The fire truck would be coming soon, but it would be too late to save Valeriia.
With every stride I took, my lungs gulped massive amounts of air. My legs burned. Half way to the crash site, I tripped on some unseen object in the shadows, but it barely slowed me. With years of gymnastics under my belt, I tucked, rolled, and was sprinting again across the airfield. My eyes fixed on the flames surrounding Valeriia’s wreck. My mouth whispered prayers for her salvation.
“You can save her,” I prayed, searching the scattered fires for any sign of life. “I know you can. I know you will.”
The last bit slipped from my mouth without any thought, and a calmness settled over me. This, I decided, was the miracle Alexandra would see—a miracle I needed.
I stopped and scanned the area. She had to be close. If she couldn’t get to me, perhaps, I thought, she could answer me. “Valeriia! Where are you?”
I found her dark form, lying about twenty meters away, at the edge of light from a burning patch of ground. She was still for the most part, but I could see her trying to raise her arm to beckon me over. My jaw dropped, and I was both shocked and thankful for the answered prayer. I decided right then and there I’d never doubt the Almighty again.
I sprinted toward her, calling to the others I’d found her and she’d survived. In a few days, maybe a week at the most, all this would be a painful memory we’d laugh at. We’d all tell our grandchildren about the day Valeriia danced with Death in an inferno, and the older ones would roll their eyes and complain about how many times they heard it before.
When I got to her, everything changed. She hadn’t been waving me over. It was just the sleeve of her leather jacket, torn and flapping in the wind. Her left arm was missing, and in the flickering light, I could see her skull had been caved in on one side and had a jagged piece of metal sticking out the other.
“Oh God, no! You’re going to be okay,” I said. The world seemed to close in darkness. All I could see were her lifeless eyes staring back at me, and all I could do was utter my denial and rock back and forth.
A spotlight hit her, brightening the patch of charred ground she was on. My eyes snapped right to see a couple of girls from the ground crew race off the truck. One of them knelt beside Valeriia’s body and shook her head. The other draped a heavy fire blanket over the body.
“Stop, you idiots! She won’t be able to breathe!” I started for the two of them, but someone grabbed me from behind.