As I reached under the bed for a syrette, my hand went numb as if it were reaching into the deepest parts of the abyss. I was at a crossroad, and though the morphine beneath my bed promised the sweet allure of a pain-free life, it carried with it a price of isolation and fear. I’d already pulled far away from my friends, my God, my family, and I shuddered to think how much further I could go. Still, I couldn’t rid myself of those awful syrettes. I needed help.
Before I could change my mind, I dressed as fast as I could, stuffed the box in my coat, and hurried out into the dark. I stumbled over the terrain as I ran to the airfield. My eyes watered, partly from the frigid air biting at them, but mostly because of the anxiety of wondering what Klara would say when I came clean and pleaded for help. I didn’t have to wait long. I found her at my plane, loading ammunition belts into the machine guns.
“Something the matter?” she asked.
“Everything,” I said. I fumbled inside my coat for the yellow box and shoved it into her hands. My eyes fixated on the ground, and my skin deadened as I forced myself to talk. “Take it. Destroy it. Just don’t ask questions. And please don’t tell anyone.”
A deafening silence settled between us, and I thought I was about to go mad when she finally spoke. “Morphine? But… why?”
“For the pain,” I said, my throat tightening. “I couldn’t fly without it, and now I can’t fly with it. Worse, I can’t get rid of it.”
“You’re a common thief,” she whispered. “Why would you steal from us?”
“I’m not.” I wiped my nose and cleared my eyes. “No, I am. But the doctor demanded… favors for help, so I stole it instead.”
“Damn jackass. I wish someone would bump him into a prop,” she said with a snarl. “So is this what you were talking about struggling with before?”
I nodded.
“Is this all of it?”
I nodded again. When she didn’t say anything, I dared to look up at her. Her eyes held a righteous fury to them, like the angels who’ve been given the authority to judge this fallen world. Her hand grabbed mine, and she pulled me around to the other side of the plane where the moonlight couldn’t find us.
“I’m so mad at you I can barely think. I don’t know if I should punch you for being dumb or kiss you for trusting me so,” she whispered, stuffing the box inside her coat. “I’ll get rid of it. But I swear, Nadya, you use or steal again, and that’s it. I’ll hand you over myself, so don’t make me choose between you or the Motherland. There are no second chances.”
My body relaxed, and I blew out a sigh. “Thank you. From the bottom—”
Before I could finish, Klara grabbed me by the back of the head and rested her forehead against mine. She hesitated before kissing me awkwardly on the cheek and letting me go. “I should get back to work,” she whispered. “Get some sleep.”
I didn’t leave, but instead kept a grip on the small of her back. I wanted to melt into her embrace, find her lips with mine, and watch her eyes adore it all—I hoped. I almost did all of that, but these new desires were alien to me, at least toward Klara. I wasn’t sure if I was simply elated at her continued acceptance of me or if my heart was longing for something more with her. I hoped the latter, but fear of the foremost drove me to leave. I told myself I’d sort all this out later. “If you insist. Wake me up in time for the sortie?”
“Of course.”
She squeezed me tight before disengaging. I made my way back to the dugout with a stupid, happy smile on my face. The encounter had gone exceedingly better than I had ever anticipated, and I playfully scolded myself for not going to her for help sooner. Moreover, I wanted more with her, time, company… affection. Sadly the stupidity of both the war and my own country would interfere with most of it. My arm hurt, and my stomach cramped, but with my thoughts flowing around Klara, I drifted off to a sleep that rivaled any mother’s embrace.
“Nadya! Wake up!”
I groaned, and batted away the hand shaking me.
“Nadya! We’re flying in thirty minutes!”
I opened my eyes enough to make out Alexandra’s blurred form looming over me. “I can get dressed in five,” I said. I tried to pull the covers over my head, but she held them fast. “Please, let me rest a bit longer.”
“Why? Are you dreaming of your lover girl?” she teased while jabbing my ribs with her fingers. “I bet if I kissed you the way you kissed her you’d get out of bed.”
I sat up and hoped she could see my scowl in the dark. “It stopped being funny two days ago.”
“I’d rather find it funny than sad, Nadya,” she replied. “Has it been that long since a boy touched you that you have to run after girls? Did you forget what a boy is like?”
“No, and no.” Resigned to the fact I would not be getting any more rest, I tossed on the rest of my clothes. “Keep it up and I’m dousing you with water next time you’re asleep.”
“Will you hold me close and warm me up?” she said, laughing. “I wonder if you kiss better than my fiancé. If so, maybe I’d become as depraved as you.”
I groaned. “Shut it,” I said. “I mean it. I’m tired of you teasing me about the biggest mistake of my life.”
Somehow Alexandra found my boots and handed them over. “Okay, okay. Don’t be so testy. But if you’re lonely—”
“I mean it—”
“I’m being serious.” She paused, I assumed so she could show she was no longer kidding, and then continued. “If you’re lonely, my fiancé’s brother is single. Good man, too. A professor. I bet we could arrange an introduction at my parents’ home when the war is over. We can all play cards and drink wine, and you can see if you like him.”
With stiff movements, I put my boots and jacket on, and grabbed my gloves from underneath the foot of my bed. “No thanks,” I said. “All I want is to fly.”
“Think about it,” she said, following me out. “Then we could be family forever.”
I stopped in my tracks and smiled at the thought. “We’ll always be family.”
We headed across the airfield and split to get in our fighters. I was amazed at the vigor in my steps. Apparently, a little solid rest and a numbing of the nerves did wonders for my spirits. I saw Klara near the tail of my plane, leaning against the fuselage, with a mournful look upon her moonlit face.
“It’s ready,” she said. “Are you feeling better?”
I stopped a couple of paces away. She sounded as if she was asking out of formality rather than genuine concern. “Much. I thought you were going to wake me up?”
“You don’t need me. Alexandra had that covered.”
“How—” I stopped myself from finishing that question, and after my stomach tightened, I forced myself to ask the next. “You heard us talking?”
Klara looked away. Her silence was all I needed.
“You’re taking it wrong,” I said.
“I’m not sure how to take being the biggest mistake of your life in a nice way.”
I took her by the shoulders. “I only regret getting us in trouble. That kiss was supposed to be funny, and now it’s become anything but. You were my first real friend here and still are. No one looks after me the same way you do. Not even Alexandra.”
She eyed me suspiciously. “Would you kiss me again?”
“Only if it wouldn’t land us both in the box or worse,” I said. I gave a playful laugh. “I can’t believe you even have to ask.”
Klara’s head dropped. She sighed with equal parts heartache and relief. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve been so paranoid about losing you. All the blood. The dying. The orders to leave you alone, and then I hear you make comments like that and don’t know what to think.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “I have to come back to you safe, yes?”