I snorted. Vladimir Sukhomlinov was the Minister of War during the Great War, disgraced and exiled for near-traitorous performance. “Perhaps I should be punished like he was. I couldn’t save another girl, and I turned tail and ran the moment I could. Hardly the daring warrior I should be.”
God, I was a wreck. Part of me wanted to defend and fight as I should, both of which required me killing the enemy, and I was starting to realize that the other part hated every bit of it. This idea was new, small, but clearly there, like a lighthouse barely cresting over the horizon, calling in the dark. This put me at odds with myself, and I was certain the war wouldn’t ever let it be resolved.
Klara sat next to me and put half the blanket across my shoulders so we could share it. I’d been out here so long, I’d grown numb to the cold—palm aside. A rat gnawing on my bones would’ve been more pleasant than what raced up my arms. For the love of all, I wanted a syrette more than I wanted life itself at that point.
“I’m sorry I’m such poor company,” I said, nestling into her. “I know this was supposed to be our special time I’d promised, but I’m stuck on that sortie.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad to be with you through thick or thin.” Klara leaned her head on mine. “You know, if you hadn’t been there, no one might have come back.”
“What do you mean?”
“Despite the fact Rademacher was there, you still shot down one of his own,” she replied. “Alexandra sent another into the ground, and the Major came home alive. Not to mention, all the bombers made successful drops and got back alive. There are a lot of girls here who wouldn’t have fared as well.”
Her words sank into my mind. She had me there. Many others in our regiment would have ended up as a tally on Rademacher’s tail, but I also knew if I hadn’t been in pain, I might have reacted fast enough clear Tania’s six. “I wish I could’ve done more is all.”
“I know,” she said. “I’m sure the Major and Alexandra think the same about themselves. But you’ve got to stop beating yourself up. You’re destined for greatness.”
“No. Greatness isn’t reserved for a—”
I cut myself off, and Klara picked it right up. “A what?”
I wanted to say it wasn’t reserved for a drugged-addicted thief, but I couldn’t get the words out.
She rubbed my shoulder and gently wiped my cheeks. “Why are you crying?”
I sniffed and cleared my eyes. “I really want some morphine.”
“We’ll get through it.”
“No, you don’t understand.” I paused for a good three breaths to work up my courage. “I almost took some today.”
“But you didn’t.” Her words were quiet now, barely audible over my heart pounding in my chest.
“Not by choice. After the debrief, I tried to slip into the doctor’s office, but he came back early from lunch.” I felt my soul retreat far away out of shame, and I sat there for God knew how long, waiting for Klara to disown me.
Instead, she turned my chin and planted a kiss square on my lips. She brushed my cheek, and my hand pressed into her chest with a slight quiver. All I could do was hold my breath while my mind ran wild with delight and shock.
She sucked in a breath before kissing me again. Passion flowed from her into me, and my body warmed in response. The tip of her tongue found the inside of my mouth, and her hands went under my coat. I ran my fingers through her hair before running them down her neck.
The engagement lasted for eternity yet ended in a flash—such is the way of love. When I finally pulled back, it was only because fear gripped me as to what destiny we were both barreling out of control toward. She wanted it all, but I couldn’t spare the energy for secrets, and female couples were not looked highly upon. “Klara—”
She put a finger on my mouth and silenced me. “I need to say something,” she said with her voice trembling as much as my body. “I love you, Nadya. I’ve loved you ever since we first met. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but was afraid. All I could do was pen a thousand love letters in my head and imagine you lighting up each time you read them.”
“Why are you telling me now?”
“Because I want you to know there’s nothing on Earth you could say or do to drive me away,” she said. “I’ll be here for you through anything and everything. I know I said I didn’t want attention, but I meant from others, not you. I want your attention more than anything else in this world.”
Goosebumps rose on my skin. My mouth opened, but no words came out. Somehow, the gravity of my addiction paled to the seriousness of her confession.
“Please say something,” she said, looking as vulnerable as a lamb lost in the wild.
“I love you, too,” I said. “But…”
My hesitation filled in the rest. Klara’s brow furrowed, and there was pain in her eyes that could have only come from a twisted knife to the heart. “I thought—” She scooted away, and she stared at the ground while fidgeting with her hands. “We’ve always been so close. I don’t understand. You kissed me. You let me kiss you.”
“I did. God, I was about to kiss you again long before this.”
“Then why the ‘but’?”
I loved the intimacy of our souls uniting to where the world around meant nothing. Tania’s loss, however, hammered a lesson I loathed to learn. The war did not cooperate with one’s plans for the future. “I don’t want you to get hurt,” I said. “Not with all the fighting and paranoid officers everywhere. One of these days I might not come back. Worse, they could drag us out of our bunks while we slept if certain people caught wind.”
“Stop it,” she said, her eyes scolding me as much as her words. “Don’t you dare tell me who I can’t love. I know what the risks are. We can keep things quiet until the war is done.”
My fingers traced the sides of her face. I dared to believe. “Can we?”
“For you, I can be as patient as need be, especially if it means you’re mine once the Germans are gone.”
The hope shining in her eyes made me want to grab her by the hand, steal a car, and run off right there. But I still had responsibilities, to my lineage, my God, my sisters in arms. “About the post war…”
“Yes?”
“Where would we go? What would we do?”
She laughed. “I don’t know. If this place doesn’t kill us, I’m sure we’ll be strong enough to figure that out.”
She had me there. “If you really want to stay together, instead of finding you something with my bounty, we should save it for that bakery of yours.”
Klara beamed, more joyful than any angel singing hymns. “And here I thought you forgot.”
“Never,” I said, shaking my head. “Nothing I could think of seemed special enough. Not even chocolate.”
Before I knew it, her lips pressed against mine, tighter and more passionate than before. “Is that a yes?” I asked once we parted.
“Yes.” She cleared her eyes. “We’ll need more than one bounty to get it going, though. I hope you know that.”
I shrugged. “Guess we better start saving.” I grimaced and flexed my hand. “Of course, all this assumes my arm doesn’t do me in first.”
“You could try valerian. Doctor Burak has given it to some of the other girls to help them sleep,” Klara said, taking my hand and rubbing it. She didn’t do as good of a job as Alexandra did, but there was a thousand times more love put into it.
“What’s that? A drug?”
“An herb the ancient Greeks discovered,” she said. “Could help. All you would have to say is you’re having trouble sleeping. Some of the girls in the other squadron are already using it.”
“I’ll try anything at this point.”
“And you’ll have to tell Alexandra about the morphine,” she said. “I can’t be the only one to keep you honest.”