Anyhow, I came out, grabbed my clothes-and there at the exit was Eric Andrews. Now, I didn’t have full-blown crushes like Jared had on me-I wasn’t in touch with my emotions enough for that-but I had little glimmers. And, for the past year, Eric Andrews had been a big little glimmer. So, there he was, smiling at me.
"Hey, Amanda! Looking fine."
"Thanks, Eric," I giggled.
"You’re going to cheerleading, right? Walk you there." Eric was a football player.
"OK." He didn’t go the direct way; he led me through the woods. I kind of expected that. I also expected him to make the proverbial reasonable request to cop a feel, which he did. And, he got me going-not that that took much these days-and, the next thing I knew, he was pulling me back into a more secluded corner of the woods.
"Amanda, can I fuck you?"
"OK," I said. The stupidest OK in the history of mankind, but I said it. This was not a rape. Eric’s not like that. I agreed to it, I fucking agreed to it.
What was I thinking! Well, I was horny, no doubt about it. And I was thinking about all those things. Being sure. Wanting to be sure, and not being sure. Trusting my heart. Oh, I heard it, it was screaming, "YOU IDIOT!" but I didn’t trust it.
So I let him. I let Eric fuck me lying on the ground in the damn woods. Less than a day after I get my first ever boyfriend and I was cheating on him. Jared had said it himself-intercourse wasn’t a reasonable request that couldn’t be denied. This had nothing to do with The Program, and everything to do with my damn insecurities.
So, we did it. And, by the end, I knew. Maybe I did have to do it after all, because, when we were done, there was no doubt in my mind. Hey, Ms. T was right-I did like Eric, and it was willing, so it did turn out to be fun. Eric knew what he was doing, and it was fun. But it was not the same. Not by a long, long shot. This was just sex. That’s when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was time to start trusting my heart.
That’s when I saw Eric, kneeling in front of me after having finished, look over to his left and shout, "Hey, Wicklow!"
Oh, Jesus. I glanced over there, and there was Jared. Looking like I had just broken his heart.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE JAREDI guess I was stunned.
There was Eric Andrews, just having fucked my girlfriend. "Hey, Wicklow!" he yelled out.
"Oops," I said, "sorry to interrupt." More sorry than Eric knew.
"No problem, we were done." He looked at Amanda and said, "Want me to walk you to cheerleading, babe?"
"Uh, no," Amanda stammered. "Um, I have to put myself together. You go on, OK?"
"Sure thing, babe," Eric said. "Thanks a lot, it was a blast. See you later, Wicklow," and he was off.
I looked down at Amanda. She was still sitting on the ground, clutching her knees in her hands. She had twigs and leaves all in her hair, and she had cum-not my cum-dripping from her pussy. She couldn’t look at me.
I took a breath. I couldn’t stand it. I knew this was too good to be true. "So, is this it, then?"
"What?" she asked.
"Is this where I get the big brush-off?" I spat out. "So long, thanks for everything?"
She looked at me, eyes wide as saucers, as if I had just suggested she cut off her right arm. "Oh, God, Jared, NO! No, no, no." And then she started crying.
Damn it. Damn it all to hell. I was the injured party here, right? I was the one that had just walked in on my girlfriend getting boffed by another guy! She couldn’t go through one day without cheating on me! But, there she was, sitting in the fucking dirt, crying her eyes out. Great big sobbing heaves.
I’m a sap. I’m also in love with her-still, despite what I just walked in on-and I’m the sap of all time. I went to her, pulled her up off the ground, and held her while she cried and cried.
"Oh, Jared, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry!" she hiccuped in between sobs, and I stroked her hair and whispered in her ear. After she calmed down, I reminded her that she was going to be late for cheerleading. "I don’t care," she said, but we started walking towards the field anyhow-she a little shaky, and me? I didn’t know what I was feeling.
My first question was, I suppose, the obvious one. "He didn’t force that, did he?"
"No," she admitted, ashamedly. "Eric isn’t like that."
"I didn’t think so, but I wanted to make sure." Then I asked her the only other thing that came to mind. "Why?"
"Oh, Jared, because I’m an idiot," she said. "A test. It was a test. An experiment."
"Ah," I said. "You were testing what happened last night."
"Right," she admitted.
"But why?" I still didn’t understand.
"Because I don’t trust my heart-well, I never have. I have a hard time with that. I was making sure it wasn’t all an illusion."
"What did you find out?" I asked, not without some trepidation.
She gave me a sad little smile. "That my heart is right, it’s the rest of me that’s stupid, and the only illusion was my own insecurities, that’s what I found out." She sighed. "I just wish I hadn’t hurt you by finding this all out. I’m so sorry."
"What hurts the most probably isn’t what you think it is," I admitted.
"What hurts the most?" she asked.
"That you didn’t tell me. That you just did it and let me catch you like that. That was the worst. Look at the first thing I said to you. We’ve been going out for less than twenty-four hours and I’ve been waiting for The Big Breakup every second of that time. If you had said something…"
"Oh," she said. "I guess I get wrapped up in my own insecurities, I forget you have a couple of your own. But if I had told you I wanted to test this, wouldn’t that have triggered something?"
"If you trusted me enough to tell me, you would’ve expected to find out that your heart was right. Doing it behind my back-well, it almost looks like you were looking for an excuse to dump me. You know, hold on to Jared until I find something better."
"Oh, Jesus. What a fuck-up I am," she said. "And now I have to go to cheerleading."
"It’s OK. I’m going to stay and watch," I told her.
"You are?" she lit up.
"Yeah. And we can talk later."
"OK." She squeezed my hand, and ran off to join the cheering squad.
I dragged myself up the bleachers, and found a spot to be alone. I didn’t know what to think. I did know we needed some time. I grabbed my cel phone out of my bookbag and called home.
"Wicklow Residence, the fabulous Tina speaking."
At least she made me laugh. "Yo, Sis."
"Hiya little brother. Where are you?"
"Football field. Watching cheerleading practice."
"Watching a certain someone shake her bare nekkid pompoms, is that it?" she teased with a leer.
"Something like that."
"Are you OK, Jared?" she asked. "You don’t sound like yourself."
"I’ll tell you all about it later."
"Problems with Amanda?" Damn, she was perceptive.
"Maybe. It’s weird."
"OK, little brother, anytime you want to talk, I’m all ears, you know that." She took a deep breath. "Mom told me that you know about my trip down that particular road, so if you need the voice of broken-hearted experience…"
"Thanks, Tina. I’ll remember that. But this might work out. Listen, what’s on tap for dinner tonight?"
"Mom made a marinara sauce." Then the ol’ teasing Tina came back. "And since you’re there watching the cheerleaders I suppose I am stuck heating it up, right?"
"I’ll be back in time to help. Listen, there’s plenty?"
"Oh, yeah, Mom made a ton, and we’ve got lots of Spaghetti." Then she got it. "I take it you’re bringing a certain guest," she smirked.