"Maybe. I need to ask her about it when she gets done shaking her pompoms, but we need to talk."
"Fine. Yeah, there’s plenty. Bring her on over."
"Thanks, ET." She laughed at me using her nickname. "Talk to you later."
I put my phone away, and sat there watching for a while. I must say, watching Amanda doing her cheerleading routines wearing nothing but her shoes was a very pleasurable experience. It’s a good thing I was used to walking around nude with a boner, because I sure had one now. I even had a disloyal thought-that it would even be better if all the cheerleaders were naked-but I figured I was allowed that, after what had happened.
Damn, I was bitter. It surprised even me.
Besides, it would be better, right? The more the merrier, right? Of course, the sane voice in my head was saying, "Fuck that, the one that is nude-and happens to be yours-is the most beautiful one out there anyhow." But I told the sane voice to shut up. Get ‘em all naked. Line ‘em up.
Shit.
Football practice was breaking up, though the cheerleaders were still running through a couple of final routines. Then I noticed a guy in football pads walking up the stands towards me.
"Wicklow." It was Eric Andrews.
Well, I wasn’t mad at him. Was I? Should I be? I realized quickly, the answer to that last question was no.
"Wicklow, I owe you an apology," he said, looking very uncomfortable. "I didn’t know. Man, I didn’t know. Eddie Bauer was just telling a bunch of us that you and Amanda announced in Bio that you were going out. Shit, if I had known…" He made a helpless gesture.
"I know," I told him.
"Look, Jared, I hate to tell you this, but she was willing! She said yes! I never would force myself…"
"I know that, Eric," I cut him off.
"I just feel horrible," he continued. "I don’t fuck around with other guy’s girlfriends, The Program be damned. I really am sorry."
"It wasn’t your fault," I heard a small, soft, sad voice say to the other side of me. It was Amanda. She was dressed now, and she stood there on the bleachers. "Eric, it wasn’t your fault," she repeated. "Don’t beat yourself up over this."
"I really am sorry," he repeated, kind of at a loss, waved helplessly, then followed the rest of the team into the locker room.
Amanda climbed the bleachers, up next to me, flashed me a little smile, then sat there, her head on her hands, staring out into space.
Dammit. Eric Andrews was a class act. Fine, but now I had no one to be mad at. Except Amanda. And I was trying not to take it out on her.
Sighing, I grabbed my clothes and started putting them on. When I got done, I sat back down next to her, and looked over at her. "How do you feel about spaghetti?"
"Spaghetti?" She asked, confused.
"Yeah. My Mom makes a great marinara sauce. Tina’s heating it up right now, and I’ve got to go make the garlic bread so she doesn’t curse me for the rest of my life."
"I love spaghetti. And garlic bread."
"Good. Let’s go."
"You sure?" she said.
"Yeah, I’m sure."
"I need to call home." I handed her my cel phone, and she dialed her house. Obviously, no one was there, because I heard her leave a message. She handed me my phone back.
"Ready?" I said.
"Sure." We started walking towards my house.
PART SIX THURSDAY EVENING
It was the tortures of the damned, walking home with him. He was holding my hand but his heart wasn’t in it. We walked three blocks without him saying a word.
The first thing he did say shocked me. "You did get the shot this morning, right?"
"Yes," I confirmed.
"Good."
"Why is that important?" I asked tentatively.
"Well, you know," he said. "Why, do you want to get pregnant?"
"Of course not, but if I had forgotten to take the shot today, and I got pregnant, it wouldn’t be your problem."
"I thought you just told me that you weren’t dumping me."
"I’m not! What made you bring that up?"
"Well, that’s the reason I wanted to know if you had the shot. Because if you had gotten pregnant, and we were still going to be together, then it’d be my problem, too, wouldn’t it?"
Oh, wow. He’d do that? I was thunderstruck. And I really am twenty different kinds of idiot, for doubting this for a second.
Before I had time to process that, we were at his house. He led me onto the living room couch. "Want a coke?" he asked.
"Yes, please." He went off to the kitchen, and returned with a couple of cokes-and Tina in tow.
"Hiya, little brother. Hey Amanda." She got a little grin then, and said, "Hey, the supper’s an hour and a half away, and that garlic bread only takes ten minutes. So, Jared, you’ve got time if you want to take her downstairs for a little of the ol’ hubba-hubba."
I felt very bad for Tina afterwards, because she had no idea, but you want to talk about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? It just hit me, like a whack from a baseball bat upside my soul-and I just lost it. I started shaking. Violent, heaving, shaking. All over. It was scary as hell. I was barely conscious of my surroundings-I do remember Jared grabbing me and holding me in his arms, and poor Tina babbling "What did I say? Oh, shit, what did I say?" But I was mostly lost in my own little world, and it wasn’t a pleasant place to be right then. I just kept shaking. I wasn’t even really crying, just these big huge gasps coming from my mouth, and the endless, horrible shaking. Then I felt something awful down in the pit of my stomach, and managed to blurt out to Jared, "Oh, shit, I think I’m going to be sick." Jared hustled me to the bathroom, and waited outside the door for me while I violently upchucked the remnants of my lunch.
At least I stopped shaking. I could barely stand up, but at least I stopped shaking. I came out of the bathroom to find Jared looking at me with a concerned look. I gave him a half-hearted smile, and he put his arm around me and led me back into the living room. When I got there, I saw poor Tina wringing her hands, looking traumatized-and I even saw Jared’s parents there, looking at me with concern. They must have come in in the middle of the fireworks. Oh, joy.
Jared led me back to the couch. Tina was hovering. "Oh, God, Amanda, what did I say? I didn’t mean anything, oh shit…"
"Tina," I cut her off. "It wasn’t your fault. Please. It was not your fault."
"It’s been a long day," Jared said.
"That’s an understatement." I took a deep breath, and looked at Tina. "After school today, in the woods leading to the football field, I cheated on your brother." Tina looked at me in shock. "I had sex with another guy, and Jared walked in right afterwards, with the evidence plain to see." Tina looked at Jared in shock. "And I feel dirty and ashamed from the top of my head to the tip of my toes," I admitted, "and what you said just hit me the wrong way. It wasn’t you."
"Why?" Jared’s mother asked.
"It was a test." I told them, with Jared interjecting at points, all about what had gone on in Bio class.
"So, you were testing your feelings for Jared," his Mom said.
"Yeah. But there’s more." I looked down at my hands. "I have lost all control of myself. I kept myself under control for sixteen years, and in four days I’ve torn it all down. I can’t control my emotions, I can’t control my body, I can’t control anything, and I don’t know what to do."
"Is it all that bad?" Tina asked.
"Listen. Less than a week ago, I was a person who clamped down on her hormones like a vice, and guarded her virginity like a damn prize. So, I get stuck in this Program, and I find it’s impossible to clamp down on the hormones anymore. At first, I welcomed that. I let the feelings happen-and I ended up, quite willingly, giving my virginity to someone I was falling in love with." I shot Jared a little smile, then dropped it. "Now look at me. Not only can I not go twenty-four hours, I can’t even wait for the guy I’m in love with. I’ll go grab any ol’ guy, and for what? To get off? To "prove" something to myself?"