Mrs. Dennison placed her hand on the door of the black car and said with a glum face, “Minnie, try to get well soon. Remember you’re one of us and Jinling is your home — we’ll always take you back.”
Minnie gazed at her with a faraway look, the corners of her mouth wrinking a little. She didn’t seem to register the meaning of the old woman’s words. Then the car rolled away, leaving behind the faint smell of the exhaust and all the waving hands in the powdery rain.
Epilogue
51
A LICE SENT ME REPORTS about Minnie’s condition to forward to Dr. Wu. The words that follow are hers.
May 8, 1940
(SHANGHAI)
Our trip to Shanghai was peaceful and pleasant. I was told that the USS
Luzon
used to be the flagship of the Yangtze River Patrol, and Admiral Glassford of the U.S. Asiatic Fleet was on it. He was a kind man and came to our cabin twice to see if we were comfortable or needed anything. Minnie was quiet most of the time, and when she spoke, she would blame herself, saying that she had become such a burden to me and others. She seemed clear-minded about her illness and told me that she would recover soon and return to the work she’d left behind. Minnie looked happy at dinner and we shared the table with the admiral.
June 20, 1940
(IOWA CITY)
Our voyage to the States was quite rough. In fact, we boarded the
Empress of Asia
three weeks ago and sailed first for Victoria, British Columbia. We ran into John Magee, who had gone back to China last year to do relief work and was heading home. Minnie seemed at ease in his presence, but she was seasick, which worsened her condition. She told me that if I hadn’t accompanied her, she would have jumped into the ocean. That frightened me, and in some measure she acted suicidal, refusing to eat or drink. Reverend Magee, two other missionary passengers, and I took turns looking after her. We never left her alone.
Yesterday Minnie was admitted to the Psychopathic Hospital of the State University of Iowa. I am staying at a guesthouse nearby. Minnie is under Dr. Woods’s care and has a clean room, which looks out onto a small park, to herself. The doctor diagnosed her case as depression and said that most patients with this condition usually recovered within two months. So we should take heart.
July 9, 1940
(IOWA CITY)
I visit Minnie every day. Together we go out for a walk or call on local churches. We also stroll in a wood, where we do some lovely little devotionals of our own. This afternoon, she asked a nurse to telephone me, saying she wanted me to take her to the train station so we could leave Iowa once and for all. Of course the nurse refused to comply. When I went to see Minnie this evening, she felt ashamed and kept saying, “How could I do such a selfish thing?” I told her that it was over as long as she didn’t do it again.
“I must get well and stop being a burden to others,” she said.
She has been improving. I hope she will recuperate soon so that I can go to Texas and see my parents, but at present I should stay with my friend here.
I just heard from Rebecca Griest of Jinling’s board that they had raised $1,200 for Minnie. This is wonderful. Minnie is constantly worried about spending Jinling’s money on herself. I will share the good news with her tomorrow.
August 13, 1940
(IOWA CITY)
Minnie often says, “I built a wrong home in a wrong place — a home that was shattered easily. I should have known that a home doesn’t have to be a physical entity.” But then she will correct herself, saying, “I mustn’t grumble so much. Millions of Chinese have lost not only their homes but also their families in the war. Compared to them, I’m more fortunate.”
She wants to get well soon so she can return to Jinling. She has little family in America. Her brother wouldn’t come to see her. On the other hand, her hometown, Secor, Illinois, was preparing a big welcome-home reception for her, and they have named August 22 as Minnie Vautrin Day. Minnie knows nothing about this, nor do the folks in Secor know about her nervous breakdown. Dr. Woods thinks that at present it would be too risky for Minnie to return to her hometown, since any excitement might throw her into a deeper depression. I called Secor and explained the situation. The town was disappointed and even wanted to send delegates to Iowa City to see Minnie, but Dr. Woods would not allow that.
August 29, 1940
(IOWA CITY)
Sometimes Minnie is like a normal person, and sometimes she is very depressed. She follows the news of the war closely and is worried about the situations in China and Europe. She asks others to pray for her, saying that she believes in prayers as well as medicine and that she needs to be helped “out of the valley of the shadow.” Yesterday she said she should prepare to return to China for the next academic year. I pray for her every night.
September 26, 1940
(BROWN COUNTY
STATE PARK, INDIANA)
At Dr. Woods’s suggestion, we came to a state park in Indiana a week ago. He believes that the fresh air and the natural beauty of the surroundings will do Minnie good. She enjoys the peace and quiet here. Every morning we walk along the trails in the forest and also along the side of Ogle Lake, where a lot of waterfowl paddle around — they are not afraid of people and will take bread directly from your hand. Minnie likes feeding them.
The doctor has stopped the Metrazol treatment because it gave Minnie back pain and made her sore shoulders worse. Without any medical attention at the moment, she seems to continue recuperating.
October 20, 1940
(ALPINE, TEXAS)
We stayed at the Indiana state park for less than a month. Dr. Woods agreed to let me take her to my parents’ home in Texas. This is the only way I can keep watch on her while seeing my parents. Minnie likes the warm weather here and started helping my father in the garden. She wants to be “of some use.”
She often mentions Yulan, the mad girl in Nanjing, and says, “Who could imagine I too would end up unbalanced?” Sometimes she muses aloud, “I’m wondering how the Japanese will get their retribution for what they did in Nanjing.”
December 18, 1940
(ALPINE, TEXAS)
Minnie often claims that she will be confined in a mental hospital for good. She has been preparing gifts for Christmas. She has made a number of friends here, so she wants to surprise them with her gifts. Last week she sold two dozen fancy cards she brought back from China and donated all the proceeds, $12.50, to China Relief. Dr. Woods has instructed that we mustn’t give her any responsibility or remind her of the war atrocities.
January 25, 1941
(ALPINE, TEXAS)
Mrs. Robert Doan of the missionary society came to see Minnie. She found Minnie almost normal, she told me, and left two days later. She and Minnie seemed to have hit it off, and they often laughed when they were together. The other day we dined in a Mexican restaurant and Minnie even ordered her own food, which she hadn’t been able to do since last summer, as it was hard for her to make up her mind about almost everything. Before Mrs. Doan left, Minnie told us not to worry about her, saying she would get well soon and head back to China.
February 2, 1941
(ALPINE, TEXAS)
I was out of town for two days to see my sister’s twins. During my absence Minnie went to an emporium and bought thirty sleeping pills. When I came back, she was in a nasty mood and accused me of abandoning her. I said I had gone to visit my sister for just two days. “See, now I’m back with you,” I told her.