I moved slowly up the path toward the Workshop, afraid I'd trip over an electrical cord or papier-mâché caroler in the dim light. When I reached Santa's throne, I lifted up one side, reached under… and found nothing.
Big Buck and Kev stepped out from behind the Christmas tree at the back of Santa's Workshop.
"See. I told ya it wasn't that doper kid," Big Buck said.
"Umm hmm," Kev replied.
They were both still wearing their costumes-and Big Buck had something in his hand.
"You lookin' for this?"
He held up my tape recorder.
"No. I left my keys around here somewhere," I said, thinking, Jeez, I sound scared. "Could you guys help me look for 'em?"
"You're lookin' for your keys… under my chair?" Big Buck shook his head. "Ho ho ho. Come on, college girl. You can think up something better than that."
They were still moving slowly toward me, choosing their steps carefully, like you'd creep up on an animal you're trying not to spook. An animal you're trying to catch.
I started backing down the stairs, matching them step for step.
"There's still a ton people around," I said, not even convincing myself. There were maybe six cleaning ladies and two rent-a-cops for the whole place, and who knew where they were just then? Olde Towne Mall may be Olde, but it's also Bigge. "I could start screaming."
Big Buck smiled, but he stopped moving forward. Kev stopped, too.
"Why would you go and do that?" Big Buck said. "We're just a couple co-workers having an innocent after-work chat." He waved the tape recorder. "I want to know what this is all about, that's all. We heard it this morning. It makes a real loud click when it reaches the end of a side, y'know. Kev here thought it was Arlo up to something, but I knew better. I'd just like you to tell me why you'd do a thing like this."
"Well, Buck, you see…"
I stopped there. I couldn't think of anything else to say. My mouth's good at getting me into trouble, but out? Not so much.
"Come on, now. You can be honest. Have I done something to offend you?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact," I blurted out, grateful for the suggestion. "Those things you say to me-that's sexual harassment. I was going to take that tape to Missy Widgitz."
Big Buck nodded. "Sure, that makes sense. Except… hmmmm." He stroked his beard and rolled his eyes. "If that's what you were doin', why would you put the tape recorder under my chair? You're not supposed to come up close while we're working, remember? It'd make a lot more sense if you'd squeezed the tape recorder into those little tights of yours and tried to record me that way."
"I guess I didn't have a very good plan," I admitted.
Big Buck and Kev each took a step forward.
I took another step back.
"Now, guys…," I said, unsure what was going to come out of my mouth next.
It turned out to be a stunned grunt. As I stepped back again, the world suddenly dipped and turned sideways, and a second later I found myself lying beside something large and prickly.
Fortunately, it wasn't Big Buck. I'd caught my heel on the last step and stumbled backwards into one of the smaller trees lining the path to Santa's Workshop.
"Get her," Big Buck said.
I rolled up onto my feet just in time to face Kev no more than four feet from me. He was rushing at me crouched down with his arms stretched out, like a mime imitating a crab. As he moved in, I stepped to the side, grabbed one of his spindly little arms and swung with all my might.
To my utter shock, it worked. Kev went flying into yet another tree, rolling to the ground in a tangle of lights and tinsel.
I swung around to see Big Buck lumbering down the steps toward me.
"See! I wasn't lying about knowing karate!" I lied.
He didn't even slow down. It was time to run, run, Rudolph.
I turned and sprinted to the nearest exit, too afraid to look back until I was outside in the cold December air and the door was closing behind me with a reassuring clack.
I peered back into the dim shadows of the mall and saw… dim shadows of the mall. Big Buck and Kev hadn't followed me. They were letting me go!
I turned, ready to dash the last thirty yards to my Rabbit. And that's when I realized what a huge freaking idiot I am.
I hadn't parked in my usual spot that morning. I didn't want Big Buck waiting for me outside when I left that night. So I'd parked down by Value City, on the other side of the mall.
I was going to have to walk all the way around the parking lot, alone, in the dark, to get to my car.
Oh, did I say walk? Try sprint.
I didn't see anyone outside as I raced around the darkened mall. There were still a few cars in the parking lot, but the people they belonged to were inside somewhere, sweeping floors or counting money or molesting mannequins or God knows what. I could see more cars moving way over on Diamond Avenue, but I knew I was nothing to them-just a speck in the dark almost a half-mile away.
As I ran, I noticed two strange things. There was a big trailer parked by the side of the mall, the kind you see on the highway loaded with cows on their way to Hamburger Heaven. And the trailer stank. Like cattle, but even worse somehow-cattle eating rotting moss while wearing wet wool sweaters.
Of course, I didn't stop to ponder these mysteries. I had things to do, people to escape from.
I came flying around the corner of the mall just a couple dozen yards from where I was parked. And then I went flying right back the way I'd come.
Something red and white and big was coming out of the nearest exit. A second later, I heard someone yell, "Hey!"
They knew where I'd parked.
I had three options: (A) just keep running running running and hope that I ran into somebody before Big Buck and Kev ran into me, (B) hide or (C) pray for divine intervention.
I was already pretty winded (too many cigarettes and late-night pizzas at school) and I'm not the religious type. So I went for option B. And, hey, I could still do plenty of praying once I was hidden.
Of course, the secret to proper hiding is finding what hiding professionals call a "Hiding Place," and I figured I had about twelve seconds to do it.
Behind the bushes?
Too obvious.
Under a car?
Too exposed.
In the stinky truck?
Too…
Alright. Why not?
I darted around to the back of the trailer. It wasn't the kind that opened by rolling up, like a garage door. It had doors that swung open on hinges. And there was no lock, just a couple metal bolts. I undid them as quickly as I could, cracked open a door, climbed through and pulled the door closed.
Once I was inside the trailer, there was no way to bolt the door again or even keep it completely shut. Which made me realize this wasn't exactly the best Hiding Place. There was no escape route. If Kev and Big Buck figured out where I was, there was no way to get out except the way I came in.
This is why I'm not a hiding professional.
I was panicking about this, completely forgetting to do my praying, when things got worse. Something behind me moved.
There was a grunt, then heavy footsteps, then more grunting. I turned around slowly-and couldn't see a thing. It was pitch black in there. But it was obvious I wasn't alone.
The grunts and clattering footsteps spread all around me, and the smell I'd noticed before got so bad I almost gagged. It was like a petting zoo multiplied by two pig farms and the breath of a thousand dogs.
And I wasn't the only one who noticed it. There were narrow slots in the side of the trailer, and through them I could see Big Buck and Kev stalking past.
"You hear that?" Kev asked.
"You smell that?" Big Buck said. He walked up and stuck his fat face against one of the slots. I was tempted to run over and poke his beady eyes, but almost immediately he stepped back waving a hand in front of his nose. "Whooooeeee. And I thought you smelled bad."