Okay, so while we wur in Spain still, ah tellt Regula aw aboot me. Ahd say ahd only ivver the best ae intentions: ah wis thinkin she’d then know a bit better whit she wis gettin involved wi. Ah tellt her aboot ma schooldays, ma family, oor part ae toon, aboot the Reitplatz, the forest, ma apprenticeship, ma first falls, ma first travels, whit ah read an’ listened tae when ah wis twenty, books, music, aw stuff that meant fuck-aw tae her. Nuthin mad. Course naw. Jist they things that — if ye piece them aw thegither — make ye the person ye ur.
Tae start wi, that wis okay like that. Ah wis a guid guy, she said, kid tell a guid story, ah wisnae wan ae they tightlipped cunts like Buddy who faw silent an’ cut themsels aff when there’s summit tae discuss, or insteid ae jist sayin whit’s botherin them. At some point but, she’d overdosed oan ma stories. The accusation soon came: ah wis only talkin so as naw tae hiv tae listen. An’ above aw, ah wisnae really talkin aboot masel at aw. Naw, ah wis jist aye tellin some story or ither. Bottom line bein: howivver much ah waffled oan, ah wisnae — ah wisnae much of a talker.
Whit is it ye want, Regi, ah said. It’s naw as if ah hiv tae listen tae ye: ah kin feel ye, ah kin see aw the way through you, ah think ae nuthin but you, the hale time. Yir aye there, present fur me. Know summit? When ah touch ye, ah know mair aboot ye than if ah wis tae listen tae ye aw day. An’ if ahm tellin ye aw these things, you’re included in whit ah mean. Ivrythin ah tell ye, ahm tellin only you that way. Anyone else, an’ ah wid tell it diffrint.
Explainin it aw wis pointless. She said it wisnae oan. Naw like that, it wisnae. She kidnae help feelin ah wis aw talk. A patter-merchant. She didnae mean it in a bad wey: ah wis guid at tellin stories. Whit ah needed but wisnae a woman, but an audience.
That’s naw true. Ahm enough ae an audience fur masel masel. Okay but, if ye want us tae kick any problems we might hiv aroon an’ fling accusations at each ither, that’s fine an’ aw. Ahm listenin. Ah’ll shut ma gob. Oan ye go — tell me, Regi. Tell me. Ahm aw ears.
She didnae want tae tell me anythin. She’d the feelin but, it wid be better mibbe if ah cut doon oan the alas-poor-yoricks an’ mulled things o’er mair. Cos wan thing hid become clear tae her: ahd the wrang friends.
Ye see, ah says, that’s whit ahm sayin the hale time. Ye dont like ma stories, whitivver way ah tell em, cos ye’d rather think aboot problems. Whit ye still hivnae got but is: ma stories ur part ae me. Ah cannae take them aff, like an auld shirt. Ah dont tell stories fur the sake ae it, ah tell them in an attempt tae keep up. If ah kidnae tell them, life — makin sense ae it, anyhoo — wid be beyond me. Know whit ah mean, Regi?
She wis like that: a dunderheid, ah wis. She hidnae said nuthin against the stories. Ah jist didnae want tae unnerstaun. That wisnae at aw whit she meant. Did ah think she wis speakin cos she liked the sound ae her ain voice, or whit? Naw, ah knew exactly whit she’d meant.
Then ah wis like that: naw ah didnae, naw ah didnae know, ahd like tae but, an’ kid she mibbe explain it again, ah aye wis a bit slow on the fuckin uptake.
An’ she gave it: there wisnae anythin concrete. It wis mair general. It wis aboot me showin mair willingness tae listen tae her. An’ takin her an’ whit she wantit tae talk aboot mair on board.
An’ then ah gave it: wis this a pre-emptive strike, or whit, oan her part? Wis she tellin me ahd tae be a better listener jist in case — at some future point — she wantit tae tell me summit?
An’ at that, she disappeared in a puff ae smoke. An’ ah sat oan. Frustrated. Sad. Livid wi masel. Despairin, pretty much.
Followin day, we travelled back. Same way we came. Fuck-all tae write hame aboot but.
17
Since ah got back fae Spain, an’ that’s a fortnight ago awready, ahv been in a bad way. Regula’s been a bit withdrawn, as if she wis embarrassed by the familiarity ae bein oan holiday thegither, or wis still bearin a grudge fur aw ma drivel that final evenin.
She’s moved ootae Buddy’s place, aye. She tellt me but that that wis atween her an’ Buddy an’ naw tae go thinkin it hid owt tae dae wi me. Anyway: she noo needed some time tae hersel an’ tae find herself again eftir aw that hassle.
That’s fine so it is. Ahm naw uncomfortable wi that. Oan the contrary: ah think it makes sense fur her an’ Buddy tae separate. Buddy isnae the right man fur someone like Regula. That’s whit ahv aye said an’ aye will say. Stuff like that ah kin put on repeat. Honest.
Whit ah am uncomfortable wi, is the story wi the hoose. Ah mean, c’mon, how did that wee cunt — Stofer — hiv tae tell me a loadae bollocks aboot his uncle an’ fuckin inheritance? Whit wis the reason fur inventin a fuckin uncle? An’ hoo much dis Uli know?
At first, ah wantit tae go straight tae Uli an’ tell him ivrythin Valentin hid tellt me. Then ah minded but: Uli wis still wi they farmers. An’ whit’s mair: fur the first time in ma life, ahd the feelin ah kidnae trust the cunt a hunner percent.
Whit dae ye want tae drink, Goalie?
Lime blossom tea, please.
Lime blossom tea?
Jist jokin.
Very funny. Not.
Ye dont hiv tae think it’s funny, Regula. Ah think it’s funny, kinda. An’ that’ll dae me. Even jist the thought ae orderin a lime blossom tea’s pretty funny.
It wid dae ye good anyhow. Noo tell me whit ye dae want. There’s ither folk wantin tae order.
A coffee wi schnapps in it, please.
Ahm very sorry tae hiv tae say it: Regula’s gettin oan ma tits suddenly but. Ah still like her, dont get me wrong, ahv the feelin but she’s gettin tae be annoyin. Naw, it’s true. Ah like her, at the same time but she annoys the fuck ootae me, explain that yin if ye can, that’s the way it is but. Whit ah like is the serious side ae her. Her inner calm. Whit annoys me is exactly the same things. And whit’s mair: sorry, but ah let her stay at mine, ah took her oan holiday, an’ wur still naw an item. She still behaves as if we knew each ither tae see, jist. Ye ivver seen the like?
Look who it is! Goalie! Whit ye daein here? Ah thought ye wur barred?
Hi, Paule. The ban’s been lifted. Ahm oan probation noo. That right, Pesche?
Pesche disnae answer. Probably thinkin ahm tryin tae provoke him. Ah want the exact opposite too. Ah want us two tae be a bit mair relaxed in each ither’s company again. Fur a landlord, Pesche’s as wary as fuckin fuck. If yir as wary as Pesche is, ye’d be better aff bein an auditor or school inspector or daein some joab like that. If ye want yir ain pub but, it helps tae like folk, ah widda thought.
Paule orders a Café Hag wi two Assugrin. So: a decaff. A coffee that isnae coffee wi sugar that isnae sugar, tae be exact.
How’s life itherwise, Goalie?
Naw bad, thanks. Yirsel?
Awright, aye.
Tell me summit, Paule. How long ye been a postie awready?
Me? Since ah did ma trainin. Let’s see, that’s fourteen year awready. Why ye askin?
Simple. Ahm surprised, jist.
Know summit, Goalie? Ivry time we meet, ye hiv a go at me cos ahm a postie. Dae ye even realise yir daein it? Yir aye haverin oan aboot us posties or the post office. Hiv ye a problem wi us, or whit?
Ah dont know masel. Mibbe ah shoulda joined the post office an’ aw. When ah left school.
Ye’d hiv hid tae smarten yir act up, if so.
Sock it tae me, Paule. Go on, sock it tae me. Yir right. Anither thing but: did wee Stofer naw use tae work fur the post office an’ aw?
Martin Stofer? The wan that’s sae slim, ye kid nearly fuckin smoke him? When he done his military service, he used tae hide behind his machine gun, apparently. Super-thin, he wis, even in they days. But aye but: yir right. He also worked fur the post office. Started a year or two eftir me. He wisnae a postie but. A counter clerk, he trained tae be.