Is it possible at aw that wee Stofer an’ Pesche fae Cobbles an’ you an’ that French guy ah picked up in Pontarlier — is it possible, ahm wonderin, at aw that yis aw decided tae get thegither tae dae a big deal? Ah mean — admit it yirsel — it’s thinkable yis aw once said: enough ae aw this messin aroon wi a few grams here, a few grams there, fuck fifty- an’ hunner-franc notes, we want intae the big league.
Uli’s lookin at me still.
An’ tell me, Uli, is it mibbe possible that — fur some bastarn reason — me daein time wis part ae that plan? Is it possible wan ae yis hid the bright idea ae sacrificin Goalie? Whitivver the point ae that wis.
Tell me, Goalie, hiv ye hid wan too many? Hiv ye been takin pills?
Naw, the opposite in fact. Ma heid’s as clear as a tarn. An’ even allowin fur the fact ah kin be a bit fuckin naïve at times, ah dont feel very comfortable wi aw this. Sorry, ahv a loatae thinkin tae dae but, if yis did dae a deal at ma expense. An’ there’s me thinkin, still thinkin, yis ur aw ma pals, mates even.
At yir expense? Mibbe yiv forgot but ye got 5k fur it!
An’ nearly a year in the Joke. Dont forget the Joke, Uli. Five thoo willnae buy a shack doon in Spain. Naw a really smaw yin, even. An’ naw in Morocco, even.
Whit d’ye want me tae dae, Goalie?
Nuthin.
So whit ur ye haverin oan aboot?
Ahd jist like tae know how a lousy bunch ae bob-a-jobbers — normally hardly able, hardly, tae push hawf a gram ae sugar — wis suddenly dreamin ae big fuckin business. Whit wid interest me even mair is: hoo come, tae go fur that dream, ye hid tae fuckin sideline a harmless cunt like me? Whose fuckin bright idea wis that? Remind me, Uli: hoo long hiv us two known each ither?
Fur ivver.
Naw, see, that’s where yir wrang. Ye dont know me. Naw really. As fur me, ahm jist fuckin gettin tae know you, mate.
Uli took a sharp left, intae the trees. Ah wondered furra minute shid ah take a right an’ continue wi’oot him. Ah decided but, ah didnae want tae make it that easy fur the cunt. Ah stayed wi him anither bit.
Whit exactly wis it yis wur up tae? Or ur still up tae — is that it?
Ahv nae idea whit yir oan aboot, Goalie. Yiv taken too many dodgy drugs, obviously. Mibbe you shid sign yirsel intae a farm an’ aw.
Ahm takin nuthin, Uli. Ahm takin fuck-aw.
Only you kin know for sure.
How’s Marta?
She his nowt tae dae wi this.
That’s naw how ahm askin.
She’s awright. Faur as it goes. Naw seen her recently?
Ah wis in Spain an’ hid a loat oan at work itherwise.
Listen, mate, ah feel a bit sick. Is it awright wi you if we start tae turn back?
Naw a problem at aw, Uli. Ah know, eftir aw, yir the world fuckin champion when it comes tae changin the subject. Or completely avoidin wan.
Wan mair thing, Uli, an’ it’s important. Ah nivver wance named a name, naw tae the drug squad, naw in court, an’ naw any ither place eether. Leak-proof, ah wis. As leak-fuckin-proof as a brand-new oilskin. An’ yous knew that. Yis knew an’ aw yis kid sacrifice me an’ ahd nivver name names. The wan thing ah cannae get intae ma thick fuckin heid but is: how did ah hiv tae be sent tae the slaughter. Yis kidda left me totally ootae it. That widnae hiv changed fuck-aw. Cept ahd’ve hid ma peace. An’ yous, yours.
Uli’s tremblin. His face is aw covered in that sickly sweat again. Colour ae cheese, he is. Ah know that masel fae back then. Fae when ah wis still oan them masel. Whit ah dont know is whit’s goin oan inside Uli. Ah kin see but he’s ashamed. The wey dugs kin be sometimes.
Speak tae Pesche aboot it.
Ah will, Uli, ah will. Ye kin be fuckin sure ae that.
Naw anither word wis spoke till we got tae ma bit. Ah didnae ask did he want tae come up furra drink. Bye, ah said jist. An’ that wis it.
The next yin oan ma list wis wee Stofer. Ah looked up his number an’ phoned him right away. He wisnae answerin so ah made masel a coffee an’ waited, jist. Ah started wonderin where the lanky fuckin cloon kid be, at this time o day. Hawf three in the eftirnoon. He’s hivin his first jar, fur sure. Question’s jist: where?
Ah employed ye olde probability model. Checked oot the waterin hole first. Bullseye. An’ who’s he at the table wi? Naw that it surprised me any mair. Hi, Pesche. Hi, wee Stofer, man. Take it yiv a spare seat fur me?
Whit ye wantin? Stofer asks.
Tae join ye. An’ ah join them.
Very funny, Pesche gives it.
Jesusfuck, lads, ah cannae always be funny. Naw even Charlie Chaplin always is. Why ahm ah tellin ye that but? Yis dont even know who Charlie fuckin Chaplin fuckin is cos there’s naw a lot yis dae know anyhow an’ yis only ivver watch they instantly forgettable shite films cars ur aye explodin in. The early Chaplin’s worth knowin. Yis shid gi’e it a go some time. Chaplin’s the kinda guy a loatae stuff happens tae. In a loatae the stories, it’s the kinda shit that happens tae me an’ aw, and the wans watchin think it’s dead funny even if Charlie’s hivin a shite time ae it. Tellin ye, that’s summit that happens often: ye laugh maist when summit’s actually sad-as-fuck. Disnae matter but, eh. Mibbe that’s the way it his tae be, even. It’s jist: it shid be possible fur ivrywan tae laugh thegither, insteid ae laughin at each ither. An’ the thing ah find maist anti-normal is that ahm the wan — me ae aw folk — that’s given the Chaplin role, the role ae the wan that falls oan his face — or gits bitten in the arse by a dug — so ithers hiv summit tae laugh at. Unlike Charlie fuckin Chaplin but, ah didnae fuckin audition.
Get tae the point, Goalie, wid ye? Yir haverin oan. Naw, really. Want tae know hoo normal ye ur? Zero, ya jerk, zero percent normal. So fuckin zip it or go an’ annoy some cunt else.
Anither drink, lads? Whit’ll we hiv? Hiv they a Spanish rid in here? Seein yis his pit me in the mood furra Spanish rid. Nae idea why that shid be. That’s the wey it is but. So lads, who’s pickin the tab up? Ahm happy enough tae dae the orderin.
Oot wi it, Goalie. Say whit the fuck it is yir wantin. Or get the hell ootae here!
Didnt ah awready say. Ah fancy a Spanish rid. A Spanish brandy wid be okay as well but. Or Spanish kidneys.
Ahm tellin ye wan last time, Goalie. Get tae the fuckin point. Stop ramblin oan an’ fuckin oan.
Ah like tae ramble oan but. Same as some other cunts like tae go oan big adventures. Same as ithers dream ae bein big drugs barons an’ shiftin mair an’ mair stuff. Me, ah like tae ramble oan.
Pesche grabs me by the collar so hard, ma two top buttons pop aff. He’s throttlin me. Ah kin hardly breathe.
Ahv hid enough, Goalie, Pesche says. Noo you listen tae me!
Stofer’s jist sittin there, sayin nuthin, starin at the table. He takes a toothpick fae the cruet stand an’ starts chewin it. Ah dont try tae defend masel against Pesche. Naw, ah try, best ah kin, tae ensure his grip stays tight.
Aw that’s great, Pesche, ah manage tae croak. Yir such a strong fucker. Yir scarin the shit ootae me, Peter boy. Champion wrestler, ma fuckin arse. Go on: squeeze a toty bit harder an’ ah’ll die ae fuckin fear.
Wid ye — jist fur fuckin wance — shut the fuck up furra minute? Ye haver oan an’ oan an’ oan an’ oan an’ hivnae a fuckin clue aboot fuck-aw. If ye’d zip it fur thirty seconds, ah kid tell ye whit happened.
If you’d let go a bit, ah could shut ma mooth. Way yir blockin ma air, ah hiv tae keep it open.
Pesche lets go an’ starts tae tell me. He talks mair than he tells but. Human nature, probably. Ah dae the same. Talkin’s summit ye kin aye dae. Any cunt kin talk. Actually tellin someone summit’s a loat harder.
Pesche maintains he didnae initiate the deal. The French painter did. He’d pressurised Uli, wee Stofer an’ him himsel. It wis also the French guy who’d hid the idea ae the hoose in Spain. He himself, i.e. the French guy, hid a pub in the region. An’ if ahd ended up in jail, ah wis responsible fur that masel. That hid only happened cos ah didnae haun the stuff over the Frenchman left in ma car. If ah hidnae been such an eejit, ahd’ve got the 5k they promised an’ that widda been it. Nae hassle. Nae Gross fae the drug squad. Nae fuck-aw An’ five thoo. Tax free.