Dae whit yis want.
Nae cunt ivver wantit wee Balsiger. Wan team aye ended up takin him but. Fucksake — guid times, they wur! We’ll nivver get days like that back again.
Ah dont know why masel, the only guy ye can still talk tae seriously aboot they times is Uli but. Aw the others ur eether long since gone or cannae mind any mair. Cos they’ve nae memory, they say. Cos the hale bastarn world his nae memory any mair. Success an’ memory dont go thegither. An’ nae cunt wants tae remember anythin cos aw they optimists an’ visionaries an’ the gorgeous chicks on TV an’ aw they stupit agony uncles in magazines, an’ aw ae them pit thegither ur only ivver gi’in it: ye hiv tae look forward. Ye break yir leg. Disnae matter, look forward jist. Ye lose yir joab. Disnae matter, look forward jist. Ye go bust. Disnae matter, look forward jist. Yiv got cancer. Look forward jist!
Sorry, where exactly? Where is it yiv tae look when ye realise yir heidin straight fur the bottom? Gi’e us peace wi aw that nonsense. If behind me looks better than up aheid, ahd rather look back.
If the rain disnae stop soon, ah’ll be stayin in here till wan ae the librarians or — fur aw ah care — the jannie chucks me oot. Ah’ll be tellin him tae call me a taxi first but.
That normally impresses these guys — takin a taxi — cos nae cunt takes a taxi here unless he cannae walk aw ae a sudden. So if someone like me takes wan, tae get hame fae the library, it gi’es them summit tae gossip aboot.
5
First day at ma new work wisnae so bad. Deliverin stuff. Printed stuff. Helpin oot in the storeroom in between. Quite relaxed fur the maist part. If it’s like that ivry day, ah’ll manage. Ah mean: a joab’s a joab, intit. That’s only logical. Ahv worked in places but where it wis clear wi’in the first hoor it wisnae goney happen. Naw here but. Here’s whit ye’d caw okay.
Ah should be happy, basically. Ahv got peace an’ quiet. An’ ahv got ma joab an’ that. Jist like ah wantit. Nearly.
So: grab a wash, cook summit decent, then it’s aff doon tae Cobbles tae apologise tae Regula fur the embarrassin fuckin phone call at wan in the mornin.
Regula’s lookin incredible theday. She always dis. Theday’s summit special but. Black jeans, black V-neck pullover, the sleeves rolled up so ye can see her lower airms, nice, wiry, they tense up when she’s carryin a tray. Her light broon hair, pit back behind her ears. An’ her funny eyes like the eyes ae that Russian ice-skater whose name’ll come back tae me, mibbe. Mibbe it wisnae a Russian, mibbe it wis an East German. Incredible eyes, anyhoo.
Sorry, Regula, ah wis a bit merry. Plus, ma heid wis spinnin.
Nae worries, Goalie, there’s nae need tae apologise. Buddy wis still awake anyhow.
Ah woke ye but an’ ah didnae mean tae, honest.
Like ah say, Goalie, it disnae matter. Nae harm done.
Buddy wis ragin but.
Ye’ll need tae talk tae him aboot that. Ah wisnae. Ahm naw anyhow.
Honest?
Honest.
Yir a guid person, Regula.
An’ you’re a total patter-merchant.
Ah mean it, Regi. Yir faur too guid fur that Buddy.
Stop it, Goalie.
Kin ye bring me a wee glass ae Navarra when yiv got a minute? Ye’d make me a happy man.
Sure ah will. An’ this time ah willnae ask if yiv the money fur it.
Jist as well. Ahv a joab now.
Ah know, ah heard awready. Pesche seen ye drivin the delivery van.
Aw right, so Pesche seen me drivin. Very observant, Pesche. Respect.
Whit’s Regula daein wrang furgodsake, ah asked masel. How come she his a total tube as a boss an’ a wimp ae a fuckin bloke at hame? Aw ah said but wis thanks cos she’d awready brought me the wine.
Whit wis it ye wantit tae tell me by the way, Goalie?
When?
When ye phoned in the middle ae the night.
Cannae mind. Ah tellt ye awready: ah wis rat-arsed.
C’mon, Goalie, Ye dont forget why ye phoned someone in the middle ae the night.
Ah do. Ah dont know any mair.
Ah smiled at her an’ she smiled back.
It wisnae the first time. An’ yet, too fuckin right: it did ye good, it really did, tae see her smile, smile fur me.
A while later, she’s back at ma table again awready tae ask is the joab okay.
It’s better than yours anyhoo.
How kin you know whit like ma job is? Yiv nivver served behind a bar.
Naw, but ahv watched you but.
An’ ye can tell fae watchin it’s nae guid?
Ah kin tell fae watchin there’s too many tubes in here. That the biggest wan ae aw is yir boss. An’ that you’re the only wan who isnae actin the tube.
She’s smilin again. Amazin: she’s really pretty when she gets they wee dimples in her cheeks.
Regula, get yersel a glass an’ sit doon an’ join me fur five minutes.
Naw thanks, there’s too many in. Mibbe later, when it’s naw as full.
Ah’ll be gettin some kip later, Regula. Ah start at five themorra again. That’s the only drawback wi this joab.
Tell me, Goalie, ur ye really sayin ye dont mind whit ye wantit tae tell me?
An’ noo she dis sit doon an’ join me furra mo. She’s only half-sittin sorta but, at the edge ae the corner seat. As if she’ll get up any minute again.
Mibbe ye will mind eftir aw.
Then ah looked intae her eyes an’ tried tae make ma face go vaguely tender. Ah looked tense-as-fuck but, probably, jist. Ah dont know eether why it makes me feel pleased: her askin sae often, ah mean, how ah phoned sae late. How d’ye think? Cos ah like her. Cos she makes me horny. Horny as a three-peckered goat, as Uli wid say. Regula knows fine well, wants tae hear it fae me noo. Maist women know which cunts like them. They still want tae hear you yirsel say it but.
If there’s wan thing ahv definitely sussed, if there’s wan thing ahv learnt in thirty-three years oan this planet, it’s this: nivver come on tae a woman too fast. Piano, amigo, keep a low profile, jist wait jist till summit happens — or disnae. Play it nice an’ slow, be gentle, like a summer’s breeze, haud back, be ready but when the right moment comes. Whereas: try an’ force the situation — an’ it’s game over afore ye even start. Even if, tae begin wi, ye might naw even realise.
Ah tellt Uli an’ Marta last Sunday anyhoo. Tellt them ahm in love. Ah know ye shidnae go spreadin that kinda thing. Ah hid tae tell they two but. Who wid ah tell, if naw Marta an’ Uli? Uli, admittedly, wisni very intristit. Marta reckoned it wid dae me guid but, naw bein oan ma ain any mair. An’ how hid ah broken up wi her fae Burgdorf anyhoo, that lovely Helen lassie, a really nice lassie she wis, suited me doon tae the groon, aye nice an’ cheerful, even intae sport an’ that. Tae this day, she — Marta, that is — kidnae unnerstaun why ahd chucked her — Helen, that is — fae wan day tae the next.
C’mon, Marta, dae ye really think someone who studied English furgodsake an’ hid an assistantship at the uni an’ a future aheid ae her like Helen, dae ye really think someone like that widda stayed wi me in the long run? Forget it! It wis nivver goin anywhere, that yin. Wis strange enough we ivver got thegither. At the latest, when ah got fucked over an’ hid tae dae time, she’d’ve left me. Her faither wis a big shot, or an even bigger shot than that, in the army an’ a member ae a hunner or mair boards ae directors, an’ her maw wis wan ae they tarted-up glamorous chicks wi a pseudo-French accent fae some ancient patrician family or ither: Wot eez being your fazzer’s pro-fessi-own eef ze questi-own eez per-meez-eeble?
Can ye even begin tae imagine it? Me, Goalie, in the upper circles ae Burgdorf, wi a glass ae Burgundy in ma haun an’ a heid full ae broon sugar?
Yez, hour son-een-law eez for ze mo-ment steel een ze Shoke zerveeng his sawn-tawnce, yez, ee eez in-deed a verrry fine young shentle-man. We are being verrry pleezed, ee eez verrry — ow do you zay — comm-eet-ed, ee as ze tattooz and a verrry longue beard. Non, non, ee eez one of ze verrry best preezonerrs in ze con-tawn, exemplarree and such a day-son young shentle-man and so een-side-vul and so good at rrrollling ze huuuge shoints. We vollow his day-veil-opp-mawn with ze great pleashure, ee eez ze dream son-een-law, yez, we are verrry pleezed for hour Hay-lane.