I went into my bedroom and discovered it was after ten. I was due into work by nine. I called but Mr. Wilson wasn’t in his office so I left him a voice mail, telling him I was too sick to come in.
After hanging up, I immediately called Momma to apologize for not meeting her for dinner as promised the day before.
She answered on the second ring, apparently using her caller ID. “Jonquinette, I really have nothing to say to you at the present time. I will call you next week.”
“Momma, what’s wrong?” I asked. “I was just calling to apologize for—”
“As well you should. I still can’t believe you spoke to me like that last night.”
“Last night? I met you?”
Momma paused. “Don’t play dumb with me. You know good and damn well you not only met me but you accused me of being a common whore.”
“Momma, I didn’t—”
“Don’t say another word. I’m busy. I have work to do. Although to hear you tell it, I spend all of my time on my knees or back.”
Before I could get something together to say, she hung up on me.
I couldn’t wait for my next appointment with Dr. Spencer, which was two days away, so I called and requested to see her that afternoon. By two, I was in her waiting room.
“What’s wrong, Jonquinette?” she asked when I finally managed to get into her office.
“Something bad happened last night,” I managed to say through tear-drenched eyes.
“Something bad like what?”
“I was supposed to meet my mother for dinner and I went to church and everything was fine but then…then I don’t know what happened after that.”
“You mean you blacked out?”
“Exactly. I must have because I did meet her for dinner. At least, that’s what she said.”
“And what else did she say?”
“She accused me of calling her names and suggesting she was a whore and who knows what else.”
Dr. Spencer propped her elbows on her desk. “But you didn’t do any of it?”
“No, I mean yes. I mean, I guess I did. Who else could it have been?”
“Jonquinette, I’ve done a lot of thinking about you since our first visit. Have you ever considered the fact that you might have multiple personalities?”
I almost fainted. “Once or twice, but that doesn’t make sense. Then again, none of this makes sense.”
“I really would like to explore that possibility. You have been plagued by these blackouts for a long time and obviously you are doing these things. Too many people have accused you.”
I sunk down in the chair. “There was this one incident. When I was younger, in my teens, I heard my parents arguing one night.”
“About?” she asked.
“My father was trying to convince my mother that I needed counseling. She wouldn’t hear of it.”
“So your father felt you needed therapy?”
“Yes, he did. I often wonder if that’s what broke them up. I know that I was responsible for part of it. But then there was the other thing…”
I lowered my eyes to the floor. I really didn’t want to put my parents’ business out there that way, but opening up was opening up. I could tell she was waiting for me to continue.
“My mother found out my father was cheating on her. Quite frankly, I never believed it. He seemed so in love with her. But apparently the evidence was there so that, coupled with the tension about me, caused her to throw him out the house.”
“So where is your father now?” Dr. Spencer asked.
“He lives in North Carolina. He left home and went back to his hometown, took over my grandfather’s auto shop. He always loved working with his hands and fixing up old cars.”
“So that was his career all along?”
“No,” I replied. “My father was a computer programmer in Florida. I guess he just wanted a fresh start altogether and my grandfather died shortly after he returned home. The business was there and he just took it over and learned whatever it was he didn’t already know.”
“Do you still keep in contact with your father?”
That was a difficult question for me to answer. “Yes and no.”
“Meaning?”
“He writes me letters but I never answer them.”
Dr. Spencer set up on the edge of her seat. “Why don’t you respond to them?”
“Because…I’m torn. My mother is very dominant and opinionated. If I were to have a father-daughter relationship with him, she would view that as a sign of betrayal.”
“So your mother is more important to you than your father?”
I sat there for a moment, pondering the question. “I can’t really say that’s it. My mother has been there for me more than my father.”
“But has that been by choice or circumstances?”
I shrugged. “A little of both. If he really wanted to see me, he could find me. He has my address.”
I could feel an anxiety attack coming on and apparently so could Dr. Spencer. “Let’s not dwell on that right now,” she said. “However, in the future, you might want to consider contacting your father. He may be able to bring some closure to whatever it is that’s troubling you.”
“I’ve thought about going to see him,” I said honestly. “But I really don’t know what I could possibly say to him at this point, being that I’ve ignored him for so long.”
“Are his letters written in a way that makes him seem bitter or just anxious to be a part of your life?”
“He wants to be a part of my life. My father has never been mean to me. Not ever.”
We continued talking for another thirty minutes. I felt a little bit better when I left but far from sane. What if there really was another person living inside of me?
13
jude
That fuckin’ did it! Those bitches! Okay, if that’s the way they wanted to play it, so be it! If one of us was going somewhere, it sure as shit wasn’t going to be me!
We were driving home from the psycho bitch’s office when I made Jon vanish. Fuck her!
I decided to stop by the mall to do some shopping. Let her figure the shit out when her credit card bill came in. I had a secret place where I hid clothes I purchased behind her back. I rarely did it but I deserved a shopping spree after that bullshit she was talking in the doctor’s office.
Things were getting out of hand. People were getting into my business that didn’t belong in it and if Jon even thought about reaching out to “Dearest Daddy,” I planned to put a stop to that shit immediately.
I stopped by Greenbriar Mall; always a good place to find dick. Even though it was a Monday, there were still quite a few people out shopping or at least window shopping. I found two whorefits in one store and a pair of shoes to match each one in another store. Then I got a salted pretzel and some lemonade from a vendor. I sat on a bench and tried to calm down. It wasn’t happening.
On my way home, I passed a mattress store. As usual, the parking lot was abandoned. I’d always wondered how mattress stores could stay in business because they were the only stores I knew of that always had empty parking lots. There were usually only one or two cars and those belonged to employees.
I decided to stop, though, and fuck with whomever was working that day. Why not? There was nothing to do at home. I was going to pretend like I planned to purchase the most expensive mattress set in the store, make the person fill out a bunch of fake paperwork, and then roll out.
I walked in and didn’t see a soul. “Hello? Anyone here?” I yelled out. There was no response. “Hey! You taking a dump or something?”
I laughed at the prospect. Some senior citizen dude who hadn’t saved up enough money for retirement, sitting on the throne in the back embarrassed because I had caught him taking a shit.