He didn’t finish his sentence. But I remembered what Gordon had said at Mom’s house—that when he broke into my apartment, he’d needed a little help.
“You kept me there at the diner while Gordon broke in and trashed my place. You still let him use you that way. You put all of us in jeopardy.”
“It’s just—” He stopped. “Once I did live with what I’d done, I realized I’d rather live with the guilt and shame than go to jail. I just couldn’t think about going to jail. You needed me. You and Ronnie. When your mom… when she was gone, I had a real purpose again. I was an uncle, almost a dad. I thought if I could be out here, I could do more good…”
“No,” I said. “I’m going to finish the job for Mom.”
I took out my phone and dialed Detective Post. As I had hoped, she was still at Mom’s house, wrapping up matters there. I told her where to meet us and what she could expect to find. She told me they would be there as soon as possible.
I wasn’t really worried about them hurrying. Paul wasn’t going anywhere—I’m not even sure he would have been capable of moving off the couch.
Beth remained on the far side of the room, as if afraid to come near Paul. And Ronnie—I turned to look at him. His face was blank, almost expressionless, except for the tears that ran down his cheeks.
I wanted to stop. I wanted it all to stop. But I had to know one more thing.
“How— Why did you ever get mixed up with Gordon in the first place? Why would you make those movies, or do any of those things?”
He didn’t respond, but I wasn’t going to let it go. I asked him again.
“Why, Paul? Why that?”
Still silence. I stood up and took a step toward him.
“Why?” My voice was a ringing shout. Ronnie jumped at the sound of it. But Paul didn’t move. He didn’t look up as he spoke.
“I was divorced,” he said. “My wife left me. You and Ronnie don’t remember your aunt Diana. But you do, don’t you?”
Beth nodded.
“She left me, Diana. She… eviscerated me when she left. She cheated on me. She just… gutted me. That’s the only way I can describe it.” He sniffled.
“So,” I said. “What does that have to do with Gordon?”
“I was vulnerable. Weak. Gordon was my brother-in-law. He was older. You have to understand, I knew him and remembered him from high school. That was imprinted on me. But Gordon wasn’t the same guy he was in high school. He wasn’t the big man anymore. His life was sliding when Beth was a teenager. He lost his sales job. Did you know that, Beth?”
Beth shook her head. “He changed jobs when I was about twelve, I guess.”
“He was let go,” Paul said. “He was a big talker but not much of a doer. A blowhard, and his bosses could see it. But I couldn’t really. I still saw him as that guy from high school. I fell for that memory. I was swayed by it. He took me down a dark path I shouldn’t have gone down.”
“What dark path?” I asked.
“It started small,” Paul said. “Gordon was receiving stolen property. I knew that. I let him store things at my house for a while, and he gave me a cut of the proceeds. I knew it was illegal, but I went along. Something about the sense of danger and recklessness made me feel alive again. Hell, I didn’t really care if I got caught or not. I didn’t care about anything then. I told myself I wasn’t hurting anyone, that I was a passive participant in those things. It was an excuse and a poor one at that.”
“I agree,” I said.
He smiled a little. “You sound just like your mother when you say that.”
“How did this lead to the night you drove Beth away?” I asked.
“Like I said, the things I did were small. Mostly. Once I helped Gordon with a stolen car.” He shook his head. “He didn’t tell me it was stolen. But I knew. I drove it for him, and another guy picked it up. By that point, I was starting to get worried about myself. I knew I needed to snap out of it. I had a job. I needed to get back to having a real life again. That car thing, it was a turning point in my mind. I told myself that I wouldn’t do that anymore, any of it. But then Gordon contacted me and asked for one more favor.”
“The movies?”
He nodded. “I didn’t know that’s what they were going to be doing that night. Gordon told me we were just going to be hanging out and drinking, that there would be women there. He dangled that in front of me. Women. I guess he knew what I desired deep down. Maybe I did need that.”
“Sex?” I asked.
“I was alone when Diana left. We didn’t have kids. I didn’t think I’d ever have kids. Being alone that way… I was lost. Empty. Believe it or not, Gordon’s suggestion of sex helped. It brought me along. I went along. I needed to. I wanted to feel… I don’t know…”
“Like a man again?” Beth asked. “Desirable?”
Paul looked at Beth. He seemed to be seeing her for the first time. “That’s right.”
“I’ve been there,” Beth said. “I didn’t respond to it the way you did. But I know how that feels.”
“I didn’t know they were going to be making a movie like that. I wouldn’t have gone along with it. I showed up and walked into the middle of that. That was… across the line. Disgusting. I took a stand, believe it or not. I told Gordon I was going to leave.”
“Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“He asked me to do one more thing,” Paul said. “He told me one of the girls needed a ride to the bus station, and he asked me to drive the car. I didn’t know it was Beth at first. I thought it was strange. Gordon rode in the back with the girl. He had her down low, a coat or something over her. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t want to know. I just turned the radio on and drove, kept my eyes on the road.”
“Classical music,” Beth said, her voice small and hollow. “You were listening to classical music.”
“You didn’t know it was Beth at first,” I said. “When did you find out?”
“When she was gone,” Paul said. “Right after that, she was gone. I put it together. Gordon’s secrecy that night. The girl hidden in the backseat. I was an accessory to Beth’s disappearance. Or her running away. Whatever it was, I had played a big role. I’d helped it happen.”
“So why didn’t you come clean?” I asked. “Tell Mom? Tell the police?”
“I went to Gordon and told him what I knew,” Paul said. “I asked him where Beth had gone and told him we needed to make it right.” Paul sighed. “He had leverage over me. The crimes I’d been involved in. Even driving Beth away. He knew those things, and he threatened to use them against me.”
“You gave your niece away,” I said. “She was a kid. You couldn’t stand up to him?”
He didn’t answer me.
“Well?”
There was a long silence. When at last he spoke, he looked at Beth. “I’m sorry, Beth. But the truth is… it sometimes seemed Leslie would have been happier with you gone. And you seemed like you might be happier as well.”
Beth kept her composure, but I could see the hurt and regret in her eyes. Her top teeth bit down on her lower lip.
“That’s such bullshit, Paul,” I said. “You’re making excuses for your pathetic life.”
He turned to me. “It was pathetic. Is pathetic. I agree. I just hope you never get to find out how bad a life can get, Elizabeth. I hope you don’t find anything like that out at all.”
Epilogue
Five months after Paul’s confession, the three of us—my siblings and I—go to the cemetery to visit Mom’s grave. It is mid-March, and the sky is the color of steel wool. In the corners of the cemetery, in the shadow of the stone walls, snow remains on the ground. The grass is soggy and springy as we walk across it, our shoes squishing in the soaked earth.