“But the kid’s got no ties,” Tucker said. “He makes bail in a couple of hours, and then he’s on the next bus to God-knows-where.”
Max was already prepared with a response. “In a closed courtroom, I’ll make sure the arraignment judge knows about the connection between the burglary charge and the Julia Whitmire investigation. If we’re lucky, we’ll get our no-bail hold and also keep news of the arrest quiet.”
“Not sure that’s so lucky,” Ellie said. “You get a no-bail hold, and we only have a few days to convene a grand jury for an indictment, right?”
“Six days or the defendant gets released.”
They would have six days to return a murder indictment. Once the case was indicted—if it was indicted—it would be scheduled for trial. They wouldn’t be able to backpedal. The DA’s office wasn’t in the habit of dismissing murder indictments.
They’d lost all control over the timing of the investigation.
Chapter Thirty-Four
She climbed into the backseat of Rogan’s two-door BMW, yielding the front to Max. Rogan’s offers of a ride home were part of their daily routine. So were her no thank you’s. Her apartment was only a fifteen-minute walk from the precinct.
But today she had taken him up on the suggestion. She had also accepted Max’s offer to come over. They hadn’t been alone since the drama at the courthouse. The short car ride with Rogan would delay the conversation she knew was waiting for them.
It started the second they stepped into her elevator. “I’ve been thinking about that conversation we had today,” he said.
“Not right now, okay? Let’s see if Jess is home.” Max had wanted her to spend the night at his place, but she honestly had run out of clean laundry in the dresser drawer she kept there.
Part of her had hoped to find Jess in his favored position on the sofa, concocting dinner from open boxes of Special K, Apple Jacks, and peanut butter Cap’n Crunch, but she unlocked the door to find an empty, quiet apartment. She knew they couldn’t continue ignoring the land mine they had stumbled upon in their relationship. This time, she was the one who broached the subject as she kicked off her shoes and tossed them in the corner.
“I’m sorry if what I said today caught you off guard. I really did think you and I were on the same page when it came to children.”
“Why would you think that, Ellie? We’ve never talked about it.”
“But you know me, probably better than anyone ever has. You know my life and my work and, well, just the way I am. How in the world would I ever fit a kid in?”
“These are the things couples work out. People make it work.”
“That’s only if they want to. I don’t want that. I’ve never wanted it.”
“This is crazy, Ellie. You’re barely thirty years old. There’s plenty of time—”
“It’s not a matter of time. It’s a chip in my brain that’s missing, okay? I don’t melt when I smell a newborn. I don’t suddenly have a higher voice and a lisp when I talk to babies. I don’t hate them, but I also don’t need them. I know exactly who I am, and I’m not a mommy-person.”
“You know exactly who you are right now, and that’s one of the million things I love about you. But who you are changes over time. And if we’re together, maybe life would be different enough for kids to be in the picture.”
“No. Life isn’t going to be different. Not my life, at least.”
“I can’t believe you never thought to mention any of this.”
“It’s not like you ever asked. What was I supposed to do? Declare on our first date that my womb was strictly off limits?”
“That is so you, Ellie. Instead of having an honest discussion, you throw out some sarcastic one-liner.”
Things went downhill from there.
During her second round of crying in the bedroom, she caught sight of the digital readout of the alarm clock. They’d been at it for over an hour. They were no longer talking about the prospect of children. They weren’t even talking about who was to blame for never having revealed their preference on the subject. They were fighting about the fight they’d been having about the original fight.
They were both fading. She knew where this was going. This was turning into one of those horrible nights where they would keep talking at each other until their voices gave out. Nothing would be better. Nothing would get resolved. And they’d both be spent in the morning, stumbling to make it through the day without sleep.
They needed to stop. At least for tonight.
“Max, I can’t do this anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Ellie. You can’t just walk away because it gets rough.”
“I’m not walking away.”
“You just said you can’t do it anymore. You’ve done this before. You push me away. You say you’re not cut out for relationships. You try to sabotage your own happiness.”
She reached for his hand and held it in both of hers. “No, not like that. I just can’t fight anymore. Not tonight. I’m exhausted. I just want to go to sleep. And I want to go to sleep with you, okay?”
His eyes softened, but he wasn’t done talking yet. “I love you, Ellie, but I don’t know how to help you when you do this. You do it to me, but mostly you do it to yourself. You cling to this caricature of your own identity. You’re so tough. You’ve seen it all. Everything’s so cut-and-dry. And that attitude gets you into trouble. Not everything’s black-and-white.”
She loved Max. She trusted him. And she knew he had a point about her rush to judgment. But, inside, a part of her was screaming that he was wrong. That it was condescending to suggest she didn’t know something so basic about herself as whether or not she wanted to be a parent. And damn it if a part of her didn’t want to end it right then and there. But she didn’t want to lose him over a child neither one of them was ready to have right now. Maybe someday it would come to that, but not tonight.
She moved to kneel at the foot of the bed between his knees.
“I hate it when we fight,” she said, looking up at him. “I really am sorry this came up the way it did. I’ve missed having you with me.”
He bent down to kiss her, gently at first, but she returned the kiss more deeply. They had been apart for the last five nights. They both knew how to find temporary peace.
When they were finished, she lay naked on her back, the air cooling her damp skin. He turned on his side next to her and brushed her hair away from her face with his fingertips.
“It’s almost back to where it was,” he said, kissing her shoulder.
The night after their first date, a madman had chopped her hair off and nearly killed her after she had gone by herself into a serial killer’s house, willing to trade her own life for another’s. The episode had earned her a Police Combat Cross, but she knew why Max was mentioning it now. That attitude gets you into trouble. Not everything’s black-and-white.
She rolled over to face him. “I really do love you, Max.”
He gave her a soft kiss on the lips. “We’re going to figure it out. As long as we don’t give up on each other, we’ll be okay.”
She smiled and kissed him again, then closed her eyes, needing to find sleep. But when she heard that first click in the back of his throat—a sign he was out for the night—she felt a tear slide down her cheek into the pillow.
She was so sure Max was different. He was supposed to be the one. But now he had become yet another man who had convinced himself that in exchange for his patience she would eventually change.
A grinding sound pulled her upright. Had she even been asleep? Her hand automatically slapped at her nightstand, searching for the cell phone buzzing its way across the wood top.