O’Rourke embarked on a freelance writing career in 1981, producing articles for such magazines as Playboy, Harper’s, and Vanity Fair. He also began to work on books of humor, beginning with Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People (1983). A spoof of etiquette guides, Modern Manners is a tour de force of neverisms. Of several dozen that appeared in the book, here are my favorites:
Never fight an inanimate object.
Never stab anyone with a gravy ladle.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
Never hit anyone below the belt,
particularly a black one earned in karate.
Never hit anyone from behind
(people should be kicked from behind).
Never strike anyone so old, small,
or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.
Never steal anything so small that you’ll have to go to an
unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal tennis prison.
In the fashion of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck, O’Rourke also began many of his cautionary warnings in what appeared to be a serious way:
A word of warning to the young:
never have a food fight with school-dining-hall food.
And then he finished it off with a dash of wit:It’s too dangerous. Once, a few years ago, at Phillips Exeter Academy, a student was hit in the face with a piece of dining-hall meatloaf. Some of it got in his mouth, and he died.
After the publication of Modern Manners in 1983, O’Rourke went on to an extraordinarily successful career as an author, writing fourteen additional books, two of which reached #1 on the New York Times bestseller list: Parliament of Whores (1992) and Give War a Chance (1996). You’ll find more neverisms from O’Rourke later in the book.
So far, we’ve featured contributions from extremely well-known humorists. But it is also possible for everyday people to demonstrate exceptional skill in the creation of clever or witty warnings. Last year, I invited subscribers to my weekly e-newsletter to participate in a neverisms-writing contest. The hands-down winner was a software developer and technologist from San Leandro, California—and a man who just happens to share a name with a famous American science personality. I think you will enjoy his winning submission:
Never make an obtuse observation about a triangle.
It just isn’t right.BILL (“NOT THE SCIENCE GUY”) NYE
Humorists have long played a valuable role in our lives, giving us a lift when we’re feeling down and providing helpful little slaps on the head when we begin to take our lives too seriously. In the remainder of the chapter, you will see many more examples of how wits and wags have approached the serious topic of admonitions and, in their own special way, helped us see the lighter side of strongly worded cautionary warnings.
Never eat in a restaurant where
there’s a photo of the chef with Sammy Davis, Jr.ALF (Paul Fusco)
This was almost certainly inspired by Nelson Algren’s “Never eat at a place called Mom’s,” which was discussed in the Introduction. Alf (from the term Alien Life Form) was a 1980s television sitcom about a wisecracking extraterrestrial whose spaceship crashed into the garage of an American family. Created by Paul Fusco, an American puppeteer, the show ran on NBC from 1986 to 1990. Algren’s famous neverism may also have inspired these other spin-offs:
Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.LEWIS GRIZZARD
Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.BRYAN MILLER, New York Times
restaurant critic and food writer
Never eat at a restaurant with a Help Wanted sign in the window.CYNTHIA NELMS
There is one exception to the rule, “Never eat at a restaurant called Mom’s.”
If you’re in a small town,
and the only other place is called Eats—then go to Mom’s.CARL WAXMAN
Never comment on a woman’s rear end.
Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end.” Never.TIM ALLEN, who concluded his advice by saying,
“Avoid the whole area altogether. Trust me.”
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.ANONYMOUS
The authors of some of the best neverisms may never be known, but their contributions can be found everywhere: websites, blogs, bumper stickers, e-mail attachments, and occasionally even on T-shirts. You’ll find more examples in later chapters, but here are a few of my favorites from the world of wit and wordplay:
Never say “bite me” to a vampire.
Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man.
Never give yourself a haircut after five cups of coffee.
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never drink and derive; alcohol and calculus don’t mix.
Never inhale through your nose when eating a powdered doughnut.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with something bigger and heavier.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
(often called “Murphy’s Special Law of Combat”)
Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he doesn’t like what you have to say, it’ll be okay
because you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.
Never have a dog.
Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.DAVE BARRY, in Homes and Other Black Holes (1988)
Barry went on to write: “We have always had dogs, and they have faithfully performed many valuable services for us, such as: 1. Peeing on everything. 2. When we’re driving in our car, alerting us that we have passed another dog by barking real loud in our ears for the next 114 miles. 3. Trying to kill the Avon lady.”
Never moon a werewolf.MIKE BINDER
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing
a hat that has more than three pastel colors.GEORGE CARLIN,
in Brain Droppings (1997)
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.JOHNNY CARSON
Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.JOHNNY CARSON
Never make a decision when you’re feeling guilty.STEPHEN COLBERT, in his 2007 bestseller
I Am America (And So Can You)
The words come from Colbert’s same-named comedic caricature, a parody of pompous and self-important conservative television pundits. He went on to add: “The bleeding hearts that came up with affirmative action back in the 1960s could have used my advice. They felt bad about the racial injustices of the past, so they decided to make it a crazy law that gave minorities preferential treatment when it comes to the choicest jobs, scholarships, and roster spots on NBA teams.”
Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty.DAVID CORRADO
Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.
QUENTIN CRISP, from his memoir
The Naked Civil Sevant (1968)
For more than thirty years, Crisp was one of England’s great raconteurs and wits. He was also one of the most flamboyant members of London’s gay community, once tweaking a famous Virginia Woolf line to observe, “I am one of the stately homos of England.” He moved to New York City in 1981 and quickly captured the hearts of New Yorkers (Sting’s 1988 song “Englishman in New York” was inspired by him). He also wrote: