"I have to study tonight."
"Seriously? We are in our last hours of spring break. Why don't you take a moment to relax from studying? I'm sure you did plenty of that while I was gone."
She glances at the clock, I'm sure she's calculating the amount of time she'll have to study once we get back. "Let me change and I'll keep you company for a little bit. What's with the sudden interest in working out, though? You're already skinny. My big butt could stand to lose a few pounds but not you."
"First of all, your butt is not big. Second, working out creates endorphins or some shit that creates energy. At least I think that's right. I'll be more focused to study when we get back if my blood is pumping." She gives me a curious look but doesn't say anything else about it.
MY BODY IS achy. A week straight of working out at the rec center after nineteen years of never being active is killing me. If the pain doesn't subside in a few days I'm going to stop going altogether. Who am I kidding? I won't stop going. The pain supposedly means good things.
Limping up the stairs to my room I have a sudden craving for coffee. I turn back around and head across campus to the coffee shop. Thankfully, my legs start to ache less the closer I get.
I order my usual and take a seat near the front windows. People watching has become one of my favorite things to do to pass the time. I like to study them and see what I can figure out about them just from watching them for a few minutes. The group of girls walking past the coffee shop right now are sorority girls for sure. They cling to each other for dear life, walking closer than necessary. There's one near the back that reminds me of the person I use to be. She's hugging a book to her chest, following them quietly.
The chair across from me is pulled out and a guy sits down, a huge grin on his face. I stare at him for a moment before I find my manners.
"Hi. Can I help you?" Apparently I left my manners at home.
"Sorry to bother you. I've been watching you for a few minutes and thought I would come over and say hi." I've barely touched my coffee. How long has he been watching me because that's a little creepy. "I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime."
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I'm pretty sure I'm in shock. I've never been asked out before. I don't know what to say. He's good looking and he seems nice, but there's still something about him that I can't put my finger on. He looks familiar in a way.
"Um. I don't know."
He extends his hand across the table and I instinctively meet him halfway. We shake and he introduces himself to me. "Vance."
"Hi, Vance. I'm Reagan."
"It's nice to meet you. Now that we know each other a little better, can I ask you out again so that I can learn more about you?" He's full of himself. He seems to think that knowing my name entitles him to take me out. Is that how this works? Do people meet each other and go out on dates without really knowing anything about the other person?
"You can ask me anything you want, but you might not like my answer." I'm flirting with him to stall. I don't know what to say. I need to consult Elliot or Felicity. What would they tell me to do?
"At the risk of being rejected twice in one day, would you like to go out with me on Friday night? I promise to be on my best behavior."
I thought that he might give up if I avoided the question, but he didn't. Now I have to make a split-second decision. What if he's a crazy psycho killer? Do I really want to take that chance?
"I'm not really sure that's a good idea, but maybe we could get coffee together on purpose sometimes so that I can get to know you better." Meet in the middle. I can compromise if he can.
"I think that sounds like a good idea. How about Friday afternoon. Are you free?"
Hopefully, Felicity is free. I can bribe her to watch us from a distance with coffee I'm sure. Plus, she can always study while she's here. "Four o'clock?"
"I'll meet you here then. It was nice to meet you, Reagan." He stands and tosses a sexy grin in my direction. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but he does have a handsome face.
Friday comes too soon. I'm not ready for it to be here yet. Felicity seems to think that I'm crazy for not wanting to go on a date. Elliot was indifferent when I told him that I was going on a date. I started to write Luke a letter telling him. That's when I really freaked out. I crumpled up the paper and tossed it in the trash. I can't tell him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I shouldn't be going out on a date with anyone.
Why am I nervous? All I can think about is the fact that he's not Luke. I spent last night lying awake, thinking about Luke. When I closed my eyes to try and sleep, he was there, shaking his head at me the way he used to when we were growing up. He never seemed to understand anything I did.
I dreamt of our day in the woods. The way he made me feel came back in waves so strong that my chest felt tight, my heart pounding like it was trying to escape. I've had the same dream so many times that I'm waiting for it to end differently just one time. It never does. He always leaves, the taillights disappearing down the driveway, tears running down my face.
The one thing I regret more than anything else is the fact that I never told him. I tried to play it cool. I wanted him to think that it was just a kiss. I think that was more for my sanity than for him. I tried not to focus on what we could have together knowing that our time was limited. He was leaving.
Everything changed with that one kiss. Nothing will ever be able to compare to the way his lips felt against mine. Nothing will compare to the way he made me feel in that one moment. He made me feel special. I crave his touch still and it's been two years.
VANCE IS NICE, but he's not Luke. I spent our entire date comparing him to Luke. When he asked if we could go out again, I said yes because I felt like I hadn't given him the chance that he deserved. I need to move on from Luke, but I'm a realist at heart. That's not going to happen anytime soon. The only way I'll ever get closure is to see Luke and tell him the truth about how I felt about him. How I still feel about him. I'm hoping that he's able to come home on leave this summer. It doesn't feel right to tell him in a letter. I can't bare my soul to him without knowing that he hears what I'm trying to say.
I don't like talking about Luke with Elliot. I'm pretty sure he has his suspicions about why I ask. I never told him what happened and I never will. He doesn't need to know and I'm too embarrassed to relive that day, even if it is Elliot. It feels like a mistake sometimes, but I know, deep down, that it set in motion a series of events that I wouldn't change for the world. The night we spent together. The letters we've shared.
The new me. Luke may not be responsible for buying the clothes or putting the ideas in my head, but I'm doing it for him, in a way. I want him to want me. I want the next time we see each other to be a wow moment for him. I want him to like what he sees and to want to be with me. I am still the same person on the inside, the one he chased in the woods that day, I just look a little different. I want him to take notice.
Vance and I are headed to dinner tonight. He said he was going to take me some place nice this time, so I slip on one of my new dresses and my favorite pair of knee-high boots. The time I'm spending at the gym is starting to pay off. I'm slimming down and toning up. I need to go shopping again for new pants. The ones I bought in New York last month are starting to get loose on me.