There's only one thing left in the room that's mine. A framed photo of Elliot, Luke and I from the weekend before he left. I'm in between the two of them and both of them have their arms wrapped around me. It was a perfect weekend.
Thinking about the time the three of us spent together reminds me of Elliot's confession when he came to visit me. We've talked a dozen times since then and nothing leads me to believe that he has feelings for me. Maybe I was reading too much into it.
Maybe he was feeling over-protective of me because of Luke. Or Vance.
I almost forgot about him. The kiss of death. The kisses have gotten worse since then. I've tried to give a few different guys a chance, but it seems like every time one of them kisses me I have to move on. One guy even looked a lot like Luke so I was hopeful that he might be better than the rest. He was the worst one of all.
Felicity thinks it's funny that I keep dating guys that suck at kissing. She has no idea who I'm comparing them to. I want to tell her about Luke, but I can't bring myself to say the words out loud. I can't bear to relive the best and worst moment of my life.
So I force myself to move on to the next guy that asks me out. I give them a chance to prove themselves only to continually be let down. One day. One day, I'll meet the right person and the kiss we share will make all of my trial and error worth it.
August 15, 2006
Luke,
I'm not sure how to even start this letter. When you left for boot camp it seemed like there was something between us. I know I didn't imagine it. You felt it too. Your actions, the fact that you came to see me that night, the way your body reacted to mine, told me more than words ever could.
Looking back now, I think about that night. The fact that you didn't stay with me should have been a neon sign that you may have regretted the kiss. I hate to think that. I don't want it to be the truth, but the fact that you haven't returned any of my letters in so long tells me that I'm right.
I'm sorry if I pushed you.
I'm sorry if you regret that day.
I'm sorry we didn't have more time to figure it all out.
Maybe someday things can be different. Maybe not.
I regret nothing. I never will. I have no reason to be ashamed of how I feel for you. You are a wonderful person with a big heart. I wish you would let me in. I wish you would let me love you.
I'm heading back to school next week. Felicity and I have moved into a condo. I'm telling you this because my address is changing so if you do write. I'm not expecting you to at this point. Why would I? I'm sick of being disappointed. I can't take the heartache.
You own a piece of my heart, Luke. I wish you didn't sometimes. I wish I could stop looking for you in every man I date. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. In a way, it's not even fair to you. No other man will ever compare to you, to the way you made me feel with just one kiss. I've tried to find him, the one who will be able to erase that day from my memory. I don't think it'll ever happen.
There will come a day when you walk back into my life. It's inevitable. Our lives have been intertwined since we were kids. When that day comes I need for you to do one thing for me; if you love me, tell me. If you don't, I need for you to let me go. It'll be hard enough seeing you. I can't allow myself to hope for more than a hello or a goodbye.
Until then,
Reagan
SUMMER PASSED BY in a flash. I send Luke a few letters, but they all go unanswered like the rest. I don't know if he's avoiding me or if he's letting me go. I would like to think that there's something else stopping him from writing me back. In the end, it doesn't matter. I sent him one final letter at the end of August. I told him everything I've ever wanted to tell him and hope that the letter at least finds him well.
Before I have time to enjoy myself, I'm headed back east to start another school year. It begins the same as the first one ended, with no luck finding Mr. Right. And no Luke. I attempt to get over him, to push him from my mind, but I can't seem to shake him.
I do the only thing I can think of to keep my sanity in check, I focus on myself. I throw all my energy into school and take all my frustrations out at the gym after class. It occupies my mind for a while but not long enough. I started dating again only a few months into the new school year and things end up much like they did the year before. I'm disappointed in each and every man I kiss.
I try to stick with a few of them for more than just one kiss, hoping that my feelings for them will grow. Preston lasts the longest. He reminds me of Luke in a lot of ways. They're built the same. His mannerisms mimic Luke's in the craziest ways. He's a fun spirited man, always picking on me. I think it's the eyes that cause me to stick with him the longest. They are almost a perfect match to Luke's. Most importantly, his kisses are passionate but gentle.
"Do I get to meet this guy when I visit this weekend?" Elliot asks.
"If you want to." I'm not really sure if I want Elliot to meet him, but I also don't feel like I have a choice. If I say no, he'll ask me what I'm hiding. Plus, Preston asked if he was going to get to meet Elliot as well. They're both curious about the other man in my life. If they only knew that the most important man wasn't going to be present this weekend.
Felicity waits as long as possible for Elliot to arrive. She's excited to get to finally meet him this weekend. We've lived together for a year and a half now and she still hasn't met him. She leaves for work only minutes before he shows up.
I greet him with a big hug. He stayed in New York for Christmas this year so we haven't seen each other since summer. He hasn't changed a bit. Myself on the other hand, I'm changing more and more every day it seems, but Elliot doesn't seem to notice.
"So, where is Felicity? I thought you said she was going to hang out with us this weekend." Elliot looks past me into the living room.
"She is. She had to work tonight, but she's off the rest of the weekend. She left a few minutes ago so it's just you and me tonight." I pull him into the apartment and he drops his bag on the floor.
"What about Preston? I thought he was going to be here too." Elliot gives me a knowing look. I'm not going to be able to avoid this.
I promised Preston I would call him when Elliot arrived so he could come over. I wasn't going to call him at all. I was going to text him and tell him that Elliot canceled or make up an excuse as to why he couldn't come over. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to avoid this situation.
"I'll call him in a minute. Can't we hang out, just the two of us? Why do you need to meet him?" I'm whining and I know it. I don't care. If I'm lucky, Elliot will give in.
"I need to meet this guy and make sure he's not a douchebag. Call him." He's serious. He's going to play big brother and check out my boyfriend. His words cause a smile to break out across my face as I dial Preston's number.
I grab us each a beer while we wait for Preston to arrive. My nerves go on high alert when he knocks on the door. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out. What if they don't get along? I want them to get along, I think. It'll make life a lot easier but on the flip side, if they don't, I have a reason to let Preston go. He's nice, but I never planned to keep him around for this long to begin with. If he didn't remind me so much of Luke, he would have been gone after the first kiss.