I close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath. When I open them, Elliot is watching me like a hawk. I'm sure my body language tells him more than words ever could. My back is straight as a board and my hands are clasped in front of me. I stare at the door from my spot on the couch for a moment before standing.
Plastering on a fake smile, I open the door to find Preston smiling back at me. He leans in and kisses me softly on the lips before ushering us both into my apartment. My legs feel heavy. They don't want to carry me the twenty feet back to the couch. Turning around, I find that they won't have to. Elliot is behind me with a look of shock on his face.
"Hey, man. You must be Elliot. It's nice to finally meet you. Reagan has told me a lot about you." Preston is holding his hand out, but Elliot is making no attempt to raise his own. He's staring at me, shock and anger the only emotions present.
"I need to I talk to you alone, Reagan." Elliot stalks off toward my room before I can answer him.
"I'm sorry. I have no idea what's going on. I'll be right back." I squeeze Preston's hand, more for my own comfort than his. I knew it was a bad idea for them to meet.
Elliot is pacing the length of my room when I walk in. He doesn't bother to stop when he sees me. He only shakes his head before he starts yelling.
"Really! Are you kidding me, Reagan?"
"What the hell is your problem?" I ask as if I don't already know. I'm going to play stupid for as long as I can. When Elliot stops dead in his tracks and turns toward me, I know that it's going to be better to come clean. His left brow is raised in challenge to my words.
"Luke." One word. Just his name. That's all Elliot says. He's waiting for me to respond, but I have no idea what to say. I give him a questioning look, but he continues to stare at me and wait. He's not giving me a choice.
"What do you want me to say, Elliot? He looks a little like him, but it's not like their twins. What does it matter, anyway?"
"It matters. Why are you dating someone that looks like him? Do you have a thing for Luke? Am I missing something here?"
Damn it! I think back to last spring when Elliot showed up unannounced. His words while he thought I was sleeping are still as clear as day. He knows how Luke feels about me, but he doesn't know that anything happened between us. He was mad at Luke for caring about me just like he's about to be mad at me for caring about Luke. I have to try and play this off the best I can.
"Your brother is attractive. What's the big deal? I would be stupid not to notice him after spending most of my life hanging out with the two of you."
"Right. He's attractive. There's nothing more to it than that? There's no other reason that you might be dating someone that resembles him as much as Preston does?" He pauses, waiting for me to defend myself, but I can't. He'll see through any lie I try to tell. "I can't believe I never saw it before today. Why would I? You're both so good at hiding things from each other. I shouldn't be surprised that you'd be good at hiding shit from me."
What's he talking about? What is Luke hiding from me? I want to ask him, but I don't get the chance. He snags his bag off my bed and storms out of the room. I hear the slam of the front door and that's when I break. Our friendship is crumbling and there's nothing that I can do to keep it from happening at this point. I can't help that I love Luke. I fell in love with him years ago and I've been trapped in this growing tomb ever since. I wish Elliot would understand so that I could explain everything to him. I wish I had told him the truth from the beginning.
Preston tries to comfort me. I can't take it. I tell him to leave after only a few minutes. He reads between the lines, knowing that I'm not going to call tomorrow or even next week. We had a good run, but he was too much. Too much like Luke. Too much of a reminder of the regrets that I have in life. Now, he's too much of a reminder of my crumbling friendship with the best friend I've ever had.
Felicity finds me curled into a ball on the couch when she gets home from work. Without asking, she figures out what happened. Elliot's absence helped her put all the pieces in place. She sits with me most of the night, running her fingers through my hair as I cry in her lap sporadically.
I tell Felicity everything. I tell her about my fight with Elliot. I tell her about Preston's resemblance to Luke. She knows who he is, that we grew up together. She knows all the basics of our friendship.
As the sun starts to rise and shine in the windows I make myself a promise. I will fix my friendship with Elliot. It may take time, a long time, but I will fix our relationship. As soon as I figure out how.
WALKING UP TO Elliot's door I resist the urge to run. It's been two months since we've seen each other. Two very long months without talking to him, the last words he spoke to me running through my head over and over again. I'm not sure if my apology will be enough, but it's all that I have.
An apology and the reason I'm in love with his brother. It's time I told him what happened. I never wanted to tell him. I always thought it would be better if I kept it from him. I'm hoping it will help him to understand. I'm sure he won't want details, but I'll give them if he does. I'm laying it all out there hoping that we can go back to the way we were. I want my friend back. I've never had to live without him before and the last two months have been horrible.
I'm driving Felicity nuts. I talk about Elliot non-stop. I complain about him not calling. I complain about being scared to call him. She finally told me to drive here and apologize or she was moving out. She gave me the ultimatum I needed to get my ass in gear. She and Elliot really are perfect for each other.
I knock twice before the door finally opens. Surprisingly, it's not Elliot's face that's staring back at me. She's blond and hiding her probably naked body behind the door, a look of confusion the only prominent feature on her face.
"Can I help you?" Her voice is hoarse from sleep. It's only a little after seven in the morning. I knew I needed to catch Elliot before he left for class if I wanted my opportunity to trap him into listening to me.
"Is Elliot here?"
"Who is it, Bambi?" Elliot's voice hits my ears and I can't help but smile. I missed the sound of his voice. It's been way too long.
"It's me," I say a little louder than I need to. I hear shuffling, drawers opening and closing and moments later, Bambi disappears and Elliot's frame fills the doorway.
"Reagan. What are you doing here?" He seems happy to see me. I was expecting him to look surprised.
"I came to apologize." Might as well put it on the table. No skirting around the issue.
He moves quickly and pulls me in for a hug. "God I missed you."
"I missed you too, Elliot. Want to grab some coffee and talk?"
ELLIOT WAITS IN line to order our coffee while I find us a seat. The line is longer than I expected it to be. People are coming and going quickly. The barista's are hollering orders to each other and calling names. The sound of whip cream being swirled on top of mochas and cappuccinos echoes through the shop. The smells wafting through the air calms my fears slightly, but they don't dissipate completely.