I'm nervous. I don't know how Elliot is going to react to what I'm about to tell him. I'm sure he'll be angry with me but for how long? The last two months have been hell. I don't think I can take another second of him being pissed and not talking to me.
I should have told him sooner. I shouldn't have kept this from him at all. If there is anyone that I can trust with my secrets it's him. He wouldn't have made fun of me for it. He probably would have supported me when I needed him most.
I needed him back then. I was an emotional wreck after Luke left for months. I kept to myself. When I was around others, Elliot especially, I put on a brave face and fake smile. No one seemed to notice that I wasn't completely myself that summer.
That's when I decided I needed a change. I wanted to be stronger than I was. I needed to be ready for the next time I was able to see Luke. Confidence in myself was never in abundance. I needed to learn to love the person that I was before I could expect anyone else to love me.
I love myself now. I love the changes that I've made to my appearance. I feel confident walking down the street. Not because of the way I look and not because guys notice me. I'm confident because the person on the inside is able to shine through my exterior. I need to make that clear to Elliot for him to fully understand.
I hear the barista call his name. I wring my hands a few times before wiping them down the front of my jeans. My nerves are on high alert again. He's going to come over here in a second and I'm going to open up my soul to him. Once the anger passes, there's no telling how he'll feel or what he might say. I need to be prepared for anything.
"Here ya go," Elliot says as he slides my coffee on the table before taking the seat across from me.
"Thanks." I can't start off confessing all my sins to him. I need to break the ice first. He seems to be happy to see me so let's talk about him before we talk about me. "So, tell me about Bambi."
"I'd rather not. I'm not even sure that's her real name." I wait for him to crack a smile, but his face remains serious.
"Seriously, Elliot?" I want to give him shit. I want to yell at him and slap him across the face. He's better than that. He was raised better than that. He better not be sleeping around just for fun.
"I know it starts with a B. She answered me so I think its Bambi. What do you care? I'm safe and no one gets hurt. She knew what she was getting into when she came home with me last night." He's defending his actions and he has every right to. The Elliot I know only defends his actions when they are in question, though. He knows what he's doing is wrong no matter how he spins it.
"At least you were safe."
There's an awkward silence that settles between us. I sip my coffee and enjoy the burn as it goes down. I should have waited a few more minutes. Elliot watches me, waiting for me to say something else. I can't stall any longer.
"I'm sorry for blowing up at you." My eyes flick up at him. He's serious. He's apologizing to me for the way he acted. I thought we came here so I could apologize.
"I'm not mad at you, Elliot. You had every reason to be upset with me and storm out." I want to say more, but the words won't come out. Confessing my darkest sins is harder than I thought it would be.
"No. I owe you an apology. I freaked out because he looked like Luke and it was a little weird. I should have handled it differently. I should have at least called you to apologize the next day. When you didn't call, I assumed you were mad at me."
"I was mad at myself." My words are barely a whisper as they leave my mouth. I know he hears me because he reaches across the table and takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Tell me what's going on with you. I know I encouraged you to reinvent yourself, but I never thought you would change who you are completely. I was thinking you might go shopping and maybe buy a new pair of sandals. I never thought you would take it this far.
"You're beautiful, Reagan, don't get me wrong, but you were beautiful before. You have the kindest heart and are one of the most caring people I know. I'm glad that hasn't changed. But, you're sad. I can see it in your eyes every time I look at you. Something is making you sad. So, please, tell me what it is so I can fix it."
Damn him! I'm going to cry and smear my mascara. Mascara that I wouldn't have been wearing a few short years ago when I didn't care about what I looked like on the outside.
"It's Luke." His hand instantly stops caressing mine when I mention Luke. "You can't tell him I'm telling you this, Elliot. Promise." I make eye contact with him to make sure he complies before I continue. He nods slightly so I brace myself for what I'm about to say.
I tell him all about the race in the woods. The kiss that has destroyed all other men for me. The two weeks that Luke and I snuck around behind his back before Luke left for boot camp. The letters. I tell him the true motive behind my transformation on the outside. I even tell him how I still feel about Luke. Through it all he listens but doesn't comment. He doesn't ask me any questions. He doesn't probe for more information.
Once I finish, we both sit back in our seats and digest what I just said out loud for the first time ever. It felt good to get it off my chest, but I'm now waiting for Elliot to blow. He's going to have an opinion I'm sure. I've kept this from him for so long that hearing it now makes the situation ten times worse.
"Say something. Please. I need to know what you're thinking right now. I need to know if you hate me." I beg him to speak to me. He's staring at me, studying me. You can see the wheels inside his head turning, going over everything again and again.
"He's not coming home, Reagan. He signed up for another four years. I don't know what you want me to say. I love you. You're my best friend and you always will be. I'm not angry, maybe a little disappointed that you didn't tell me sooner, but I'm not angry. If anything, I'm sad. I'm sad for you because he's probably never coming home. He doesn't want to even come home to visit."
My heart drops and shatters in my chest. All my dreams of being reunited with Luke when he was out of the Marines... gone. He's not coming home. I have no idea when I'll see him again or if I'll see him again.
"I don't..." I try to find words to describe how I feel, but there's nothing. I'm empty inside.
We silently finish our coffees. Elliot is watching me like a hawk. He can tell I'm about to break. I can feel it, but I'm doing everything I can to hold myself together until I'm alone. I can't let him see me break. I don't want anyone to see me like that. It's going to be ugly.
The drive back to Yale is long and quiet. My thoughts are running wild. I could call him and ask him why. I could call him and beg him to come home. I could beg him to come visit me. All those options are dead ends for me. I would never be able to pick up the phone.
I could write him, but I have no idea what I would say. I said goodbye and I'm hoping that's not what pushed him to sign up for another four years.
I vowed that I would let it happen naturally. If it ever happens...
Felicity is in the kitchen, talking on the phone when I finally make it back to our place. I walk right past her, toss my purse on the counter and head to my room. I want to be alone. My hopes and dreams of one day having a life with Luke have been crushed.
Felicity comes in to check on me when I don't reappear. She sits on the edge of my bed and runs her fingers through my hair like she always does when I'm sad. I close my eyes and relax. I'm almost asleep when she finally speaks.