"Elliot called. He told me that you might need to talk when you got home."
I sit up and wipe the tears from my face. I'm surprised that Elliot called but at the same time, I should have expected him to do it. He knows me so well. He knew that I wasn't in a good place, mentally or emotionally, when he let me leave this afternoon. I promised to hold myself together until I got home, but he knew I would need someone to catch me when I let myself fall.
"I'm not sure if I can relive it again today."
"Can I do anything to help? Do you want me to call Trevor?"
Ah! Trevor. The latest conquest. He's a decent kisser and his body is amazing, but there's not much going on upstairs. I tried to let him down easy last night after our date. He persisted for a few minutes until he realized that I wasn't going to change my mind.
"I broke up with him last night so I don't think he's going to want anything to do with me."
"What happened with this one? It seems like you've had a string of losers lately. You're moving from one to the next pretty quick. Are you even giving them a chance?" I hear what she's saying and what she's asking, but I don't have the words to answer her. "Are you still stuck on Preston?"
I laugh. It comes from somewhere down deep and surprises me. I cover my mouth to try and silence it, but it's no use. I need to laugh and the thought of me mourning the loss of Preston is funny. He was a stand in. They've all been stand-ins for the one person that I'll never have.
"No, Felicity. It's not about Preston. It's not about any of them. It's me. I'm stuck on someone from a long time ago and until I get over him, none of them will be good enough. I keep trying to find one that compares even slightly and they are all failing miserably."
She tilts her head to the side and studies me. Felicity is one of the smartest people I've ever encountered. I never know what's going on inside her head, but it's usually something brilliant. She's never tossed a bad idea in my direction. When her face lights up with a smile I know that I'm in for a treat.
Felicity's plan is for me to transfer to Columbia. I was confused for about three seconds before I stopped her from talking. She thought I was in love with Elliot. If I think about it, it makes complete sense. She's never met him so she has no idea how we act around each other. She hasn't seen the way we look at each other, the faces we make when we think no one’s looking. We act like school kids most of the time, poking and picking on each other. He's my brother from another mother.
I tell her about Luke. I tell her about the love for him that I've been carrying around all these years. The hope that I'll see him again one day soon. The fact that I can't help but compare every single man to him and that none of them measure up.
Once I finally found the courage to tell Felicity the truth about Luke it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. We sat up most of that night comparing each of the men I'd dated to Luke. I told her about all the similarities, every horrible kiss and every reason that I ended it with each of them.
She said that I was torturing myself.
In a way, I guess I am. I'm searching for something that I am never going to find. Not with anyone but Luke. I've accepted that. What I haven't accepted is failure. I wish I hadn't sent him that last letter. I hope it never reached him. If it did, I hope he can forgive me for giving up on him and pushing him away. I now have four more years to wait for Luke, but I will wait. One more kiss will make all the waiting worth it in the end.
Felicity also may have mentioned that I'm a little crazy.
Waiting for someone who may or may not feel the same about me anymore makes me crazy in her eyes. I think she might be right, a little bit anyway. I know that my actions are crazy. There's a reason that I never told anyone how I was feeling or why I was doing what I was doing. I knew the looks I would get. I'm waiting for that look from Felicity, but it hasn't happened yet.
"I think it's beautiful, Reagan, the way you want to wait for him but what if he's not waiting for you? I'm not trying to crush your dream, I'm just trying to keep your head out of the clouds. I'm being realistic." There's a sadness in her voice that I've never heard before. Is it pity? I hate being pitied.
"I know and you're right. There's a better than average chance that he's not waiting for me, that's he's not even interested in me." Despite what I heard Elliot tell me when he thought I was sleeping, there is still a chance that his feelings for me have changed since then. "I've thought of that a lot, but I can't shake this feeling I have. If we're not meant to be together, we won't be together in the end. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to enjoy my life and wait for him."
"So, what's next then? What's your plan?"
"It's the same as it has been all along. I'm going to have fun and enjoy the ride. I have to stop trying to compare everyone to Luke, though. I'm not being fair to them, moving from one to the next without giving them a chance. I won't let myself fall in love, though. I'm not sure there's room in my heart for anyone else. Not right now, anyway."
IT TAKES THE rest of that year and all summer before I'm ready to put myself out there again. I stick to the plan. I date, I enjoy life and I move on. I try not to let myself get too attached. I'm afraid that I might fall in love. Two months tops, no more. Felicity helps me keep my head out of the clouds and my heart grounded.
Elliot calls on a regular basis and talks to Felicity now. At first it bothered me, I assumed that he was calling to check up on me all the time. What may have started out that way has blossomed into a beautiful friendship between the two of them. Now, if I could just get them in the same room together...
After four years of hard work at Yale, I'm about to graduate and walk away with a degree in Business and a new found confidence. It's grown over the years along with me. This past year has been especially beneficial to my confidence. I took an internship at a local law firm where I studied under one of their account managers. She's recommended me to a partner firm back home.
I have a job waiting for me. I just have to walk across that stage and collect my diploma first.
My things are being packed for me. So are Felicity's. I've convinced her to come back to California with me. After spending four years with her nose in a book, she graduated with the highest of honors with a Creative Marketing degree and a Business Management degree. Her hard work has paid off two-fold. She's been offered a number of jobs recently but only one of them is in California and it happens to be close enough to me that we're going to stay together.
The moving truck leaves tomorrow morning before graduation. We're driving my car home and making a vacation of it. It's my gift to Felicity for graduation, she just doesn't know it yet. If I told her she would never agree to it. She still doesn't like it when I buy her things.
We were going to pick Elliot up and take him with us, but he made plans with James to go to North Carolina to see Luke while he's on leave. I thought about taking a detour and showing up unannounced but reconsidered when Elliot told me that this was the first time he has seen Luke in almost five years. As much as I want to see him, I also don't want to interrupt the brotherly love. Luke has three more years before his contract is over. I have no idea when Elliot will get to see him again.
My parents bought me a beach house as a graduation gift. I haven't seen it yet, but I have a feeling that I won't want to move out anytime soon. My mother has impeccable taste. Plus, it's on the ocean. Who wouldn't want to live that close to the water? After being on the east coast for so long, I'm looking forward to long walks on the beach and the warm sunshine on my face.