In true Reagan fashion, I’ll do the only thing I know how to do to keep my feelings in check. I’ll date. I’ll throw myself into it head first. For the next year, I'll date as many guys as time allows. My only focus will be to feel nothing, fall for no one. I'll move from one to the next, biding my time until Luke shows his face. Then, when he finally does, it'll go one of two ways. We'll either be together or we won't. If we don't end up together... well, I don't honestly know what I'll do at that point.
Felicity and Elliot are too caught up in one another to notice the depression that I've fallen into. Thankfully, Elliot moved out a few weeks after he came home and Felicity spends most of her days and nights there. We still see each other on the weekends. We still spend time together, the three of us. I'm the third wheel these days when we go out.
My routine is on point. I run the beach in the morning. I've added an extra mile to my normal route and I'm feeling better than ever about my physique. After that, I work a minimum of twelve hours followed by an hour at the gym. I've given up cardio at night and now I'm focusing on toning. My legs and arms are looking great. My abs are flatter than they've ever been.
After the gym, I shower and hit the bar down the street. That's generally where I pick up my next fill-in. That's how I've started to think about them. They're filling in for Luke. They're only a part of my life because he's not here. None of them matter to me. Most of them don't make it past the first date.
I waited seventeen years for the most amazing first kiss. I always thought that I was a nerd because of that fact. What I realize now is that there was a reason that I never kissed a boy before Luke. I was waiting for him. I've been waiting for him since then.
Of all the men I've dated, all the horrible and sub-par kisses I've endured, there's one thing that I haven't let go of while waiting all this time. My virginity. It's not mine to give away. It belongs to Luke. If he had stayed with me that night after he kissed me it would have been his, but he was a gentleman. He knew where things would lead and he knew I would be even more devastated after he left. Some days I thank him for that, other I curse him.
I'm sure my friends think I'm sleeping with some of the guys I date. I almost did a few times in college. The urge was there, but the passion wasn't. My heart wasn't in it. Whenever things got to that point, my first thought was always of Luke.
Then they would kiss me and that was the nail in their coffin.
FOR THE FIRST Time in weeks, Felicity and I are having dinner at home, just the two of us. She and Elliot are celebrating one year this weekend. We have a party planned for tomorrow night here at the house. Felicity doesn't know it yet, but Elliot has big plans for their anniversary.
"Are things okay with you? You seem different." She's hesitant. Why is she hesitant?
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?" I take another bite of my salad, picking around the tomatoes. I try not to make eye contact. She can read me like an open book and I don't want to give anything away.
"It just seems like you're going out a lot lately."
"Oh! So what?" That was a quick shift in the subject.
"Well-"
"Is my social life affecting you in some way that I'm not aware of?" I regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. Felicity has never done anything other than support me when I've needed it the most. I need to dial back the anger in my voice.
"We're concerned about you, Reagan."
Great! Elliot is concerned too. He wasn't concerned the other night when he called to tell me about this weekend. He wasn't concerned when I talked to him at lunch this afternoon.
"About what? There's nothing to be concerned about. You two should just focus on yourselves."
"He's not coming home, Reagan."
My fork falls from my hand and crashes into the bowl. The world starts to spin around me as it sinks in. Her words strike deep. I knew it was a possibility, but I prayed that it wouldn't become my reality. I've held on to his return for so long now that I don't know if I can give up. My feelings for him won't change because of this. Nothing could ever change that.
"When did Elliot tell you?" I want answers. How long have they kept this from me? Why didn't Elliot tell me himself?
"I overheard him on the phone last night when I stopped by. He was planning on telling you this weekend. I wasn't supposed to tell you. I think he's trying to talk some sense into Luke. He wants him to come home as much as you do."
"I'm sure he does."
I have to get out of here. My mind is racing a mile a minute. I should call him. It's been a long time coming. I know how to pick up a phone. I can get his number from Elliot. If I could just get these feelings off my chest then maybe I will be able to move on. If he's not coming home, I have to.
I lace up my shoes and take off down the beach. I'm pushing myself too hard. The sun is almost down, darkness is surrounding me. I don't care. I keep running until I hit my mark and then I turn back. I'm halfway back to the house when my legs start to give out. I have to stop. As soon as I bend over my dinner comes up. I'm trying to catch my breath when I feel someone approach from behind.
"Water?" He asks. Leave it to him to be here at my weakest moment. I hate when people see me like this. I don't like looking vulnerable. I stand and turn to face him. I gratefully accept the water bottle he's extending towards me and drink it down.
Will takes a seat in the sand and I follow suit. My legs are trembling and my heart is still racing. I need to rest for a minute before I head back to the house. Looks like I have some company.
"What are you doing out here? I thought you only ran in the morning?"
"I needed to get out some frustrations."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not really." If I stay any longer he might get the idea that he can convince me to talk. Ready or not, I need to head back. "Thanks for the water. I'll see you around."
I toss Will his water bottle before jogging slowly back towards the house. I practically crawl up the steps of the porch and into the house. I start the shower and stand under the cold spray until my body is numb. I knock on Felicity's door before heading to bed, but she doesn't answer.
Tomorrow. I'll fix this tomorrow. It's not her fault that he's not coming home. It's not her fault that I'm in love with someone who is afraid to love me back. It's not her fault that I've spent the last nine years fantasizing about one man, planning my life around one moment. A moment that isn't going to happen.
My gift to Felicity for her anniversary is a day at the spa. It's also my chance to apologize to her for the way I've been acting. When she tried to talk to me about it last night, I blew up on her. I felt bad instantly but instead of admitting that I was being a bitch, I stormed out.
We ride to the spa in silence. I know what I need to say. I have the words, but they won't come out. I'm ashamed of how I reacted. I should have been preparing for the worst instead of expecting the best. I should have known that he wouldn't come home. Time to suck it up and ask for forgiveness.
"I'm really sorry, Felicity. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't have been such a bitch to you." She doesn't respond right away. I turn my blinker on and pull up to the spa. The valet it as my door in seconds, but I hit the locks. We need a moment still.
"I'm not going to apologize for being worried about you, Reagan. I'm still worried about you. You’re self-destructive right now and the fact that Luke isn't coming home makes me even more concerned. I don't want you to do something that you'll regret the rest of your life."