"I won't. I promise. I'm attempting to come to terms with it, but I'm going to need time. I've waited so long, I don't know what to do right now." I don't know how else to put it. My head is still spinning and the only thing I can focus on is the fact that I may have wasted my life waiting for someone that I'll never have.
One kiss changed my fate. I let it happen. No. I made it happen. I based decisions off of the feelings that consumed me after that day in the woods. I led a life that has been self-destructive since that day. It's not a new development it's just enhanced over time.
I need to let my dreams go. I need to let Luke go. I just don't know how.
After a relaxing day at the spa, I take Felicity to Elliot's. I'll see them again in a few hours. He needs time alone with her, though. Felicity and I seem to be headed in the right direction. She's accepted my apology, but I can tell that something is still bothering her. Her day is only going to get better as it goes along. Elliot will make sure of that.
We walk in the front door and I holler for Elliot so he knows we're here.
"Out back." The voice is familiar, but it's not Elliot's.
I rush to the patio to find James standing, waiting to engulf me in a hug. What a fantastic surprise.
"Hey beautiful."
"What are you doing here?" I hug him again and squeeze a little tighter this time.
"I thought I would drop in for the weekend. When Elliot told me he was celebrating a year with Felicity, I had to see for myself." He lets go of me to give Felicity a hug. "I can't believe you stuck with him this long."
"Stop it, James. You make it sound like I should have my head examined."
Elliot's phone rings and he excuses himself. The look on his face tells me that it's a call he doesn't want to take. I can't imagine work is calling him on the weekend. When he doesn't return after a few minutes, I go in search of him.
I hear him in the kitchen, softly yelling. I stop before I enter when I hear what he's saying.
"You're an asshole. Why not? It's only a weekend, Luke." There's a long pause. I peek around the corner. His back is to me. His body is hunched over the counter, his fist is clenching and unclenching. "We want to see you, you know. You could at least-
"This isn't about- I know how you feel about her and I know how she feels about you. You two need to talk. You're both miserable. No, Luke. No! You're going to have to deal with this shit eventually. It's been almost a decade. Damn it!"
He slams his phone on the counter. I back up slowly and make my way to the bathroom. I close the lid and take a seat on the toilet. I replay Elliot's side of the conversation over and over again in my head. Why is Luke miserable? How does he feel about me? Why hasn't Elliot ever mentioned anything to me? I don't know for sure that they were talking about me, but it's a safe assumption.
There's a knock at the door followed by Felicity's voice. "Are you okay, Reagan?"
"Yeah. I'll be out in a minute." I flush the toilet and turn on the water to make it sounds like I was actually using the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I know Felicity will see right through my act. I need to get out of here.
I apologize to my friends, say that I'm not feeling well and rush home. I keep my mind occupied the rest of the afternoon getting set up for the party. The more I attempt to focus on each task the more I fail miserably. Elliot's words cause my heart to pound inside my chest.
I know how you feel about her... You're both miserable.
I need to clear my head. I change and slip on my shoes. I take off down the beach, music blasting in my ears to drown out my thoughts. I focus on my run, one step in front of the other. I focus on the music and my breathing, humming the beat to myself. Deep breathe in, let it out. Repeat.
As I approach the house I see someone on the porch, waiting for me. He keeps showing up at the most inconvenient times. I'm starting to think he's stalking me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask between deep breaths. My heart is racing. I only ran a mile but it feels like five and it didn't help. Now I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
"I saw you running. Again, not at your usual time. I thought you might need to talk." I'm surprised at how sincere he sounds. I blew him off, I continue to blow him off, and yet he keeps checking up on me.
"No offense, Will but why are you here, really? You have a girlfriend and I keep telling you no." I don't have time for games. I have enough on my plate right now. I tried to add Will into the mix and it didn't work out.
He thinks it over for a second before he responds. "I don't know. It's like I'm drawn to you."
"Well, I'm not sure what to tell you. Even if you were single, I'm not in the right frame of mind to date anyone right now. You don't want anything to do with me, I promise. I'm a mess." I take a seat next to him, rest my head against the back of the chair and close my eyes. "I wish things were different. You seem like a really nice guy. Until I move past some issues I'm having, I have nothing to offer."
"Not even friendship?"
"Friendship is a give and take relationship. I'm a taker these days." I know I'm being harsh and a tad bit rude but I've tried to let him down gently and he won't take the hint.
"I'll take what I can get." I open my eyes and look in his direction. He's serious.
"Fine. If you want to be friends we can be friends. I'm having a little get together tonight to celebrate my roommate's anniversary. It starts in a few hours if you want to come. You can even bring your girlfriend." That's all I can give right now. He can choose to take it or leave it.
"Thanks for the invite. I'll be here." He puts his hand on my shoulder, gives it a little squeeze and then he's gone.
EVERYONE'S HERE. Everyone except Elliot and Felicity. I'm sure everything is fine, but this party is for them. Where the hell are they?
I call Felicity's phone and it goes straight to voicemail. I try Elliot and get his voicemail as well. It's not like them to turn their phones off. Unless... maybe they're celebrating their engagement? It wouldn't surprise me. There's no doubt in my mind that Felicity said yes when he asked her.
James walks in the front door and I dart towards him. "Where are they?"
"What do you mean? They're not here already?" He looks confused. "I left them hours ago so that Elliot could do his thing. Have you called them?"
"I just tried again and both of their phones are going straight to voicemail. What was going on when you left? Were they fighting or something?"
"No. Elliot was fighting with Luke again and Felicity was in the shower. I figured he would pop the question after she got out and they would head over."
Why was he fighting with Luke again? Not important. If they're not here in twenty minutes I'm calling the police. Something doesn't feel right. Until then, I'm going to entertain our friends and try not to worry.
I turn around and run into Will's chest. It's so firm. He's so tall. I admire him for a moment before apologizing and looking away. I know he caught me staring. I wasn't trying to hide it. He knows how attractive he is.
"Where's your girlfriend?" I ask, trying to deflect from the uncomfortable moment I just had.
"I don't have one at the moment." He's staring at me with hope in his eyes. I warned him this afternoon that I couldn't be more than his friend. I don't want him to get his hopes up.