He asked me to speak tomorrow, but I don't think I can. I told him I would try, but I didn't make any promises. In my heart, I know Elliot would want me to try. He would do the same for me if the situation were reverse. He would try.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I won't sleep tonight so I'm going to try and write a nice speech to give tomorrow. My fear isn't public speaking. My fear is losing my shit in front of everyone. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself together while talking about him.
I say his name. I talk to him when I'm alone. I think about him when I run in the mornings. My life has always and still is revolving around Elliot. Mostly, I think about the important things he's said to me over the years. The big conversations we've had. Our last one being when he told me that he was going to ask Felicity to marry him.
I think about that conversation the most. I think about the life he was cheated out of, the one Felicity will be cheated out of no matter if she wakes up or not. I think about the future they could have had together. Kids. A house. Their very own happily ever after. Something I'll never have.
I've officially given up on Luke. It's time. It's been time for longer than I can remember. I've been dreaming of a life with someone who has no interest of having a life with me. He's never once attempted to reach out to me. I haven't seen him since the day he left and I don't want to. I know he'll be there tomorrow for the funeral, but I have no interest in making small talk with him. If he says anything to me I'll be cordial but nothing more. I will not seek him out.
I would like to think that Elliot would be proud of me for finally making a decision, for taking action. I'm not sure if he would agree with my decision, but I would like to think that he would. I know the path I've taken to get here has been twisted. I can't say that I wouldn't change anything, but I am happy that I was able to share my journey with my two best friends.
The clock in the living room chimes. It's time for me to head to the hospital.
On auto pilot, I drive across the city, park in the ramp and walk the all-to-familiar path that leads me to Felicity's room. The Grangers leave and I'm once again alone with my thoughts. I pull out my notepad and start to jot down some things I might want to say tomorrow. I scribble out the first two things on my list and write two more. I'm not normally a funny person and tomorrow is not the time to try my hand at humor. I want to keep it light but heartfelt.
"Rea-"
My head whips in Felicity's direction. Her eyes are open and staring into mine. "Felicity?"
"I hurt."
Oh. My. God. She's awake. I stand, the pad falling to the floor. All thoughts of writing Elliot's eulogy forgotten. I move closer to her and place my hand on hers.
"I need to get the doctor. I need you to stay awake." I back away, never taking my eyes off of her. I open the door, stick my head out and holler to the nurse down the hall. She comes rushing towards me followed by another woman.
They check Felicity from top to bottom and page the doctor. He shows up and starts asking her questions. Her name. Where she is. What city she lives in. Who I am. How she knows me. He asks her question after question and she answers them all, her voice growing stronger with each word uttered.
"Where are her parents?" The doctor asks me after he's finished questioning Felicity.
"Shit! They went to get some rest. I'll call them. I only live fifteen minutes away." I'm already dialing my phone. It rings and rings, but there's no answer. I try them again and this time Mr. Granger answers, half awake and mumbling.
"She's awake." Two words. That's all it takes to wake him up fully and get his engine running. Those two words just changed his world completely. What was dim only a few hours ago is now bright as day.
The doctor promises to return shortly once the Grangers have arrived to answer any questions they may have.
"Where's Elliot?"
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I knew she would ask, but I didn't think it would be her first question. I can't tell her. I can't be the one. It's going to break her.
"What do you remember?"
"Reagan. Where is he?"
"I'll tell you, but I need for you to tell me what you remember first. Please." I beg her to talk to me. I need for her to talk to me. I need for her to be my friend right now because once the truth is out, she's going to change. Her life is going to change. Her heart is going to be crushed.
"He proposed and I said yes. We were headed to tell you and James. I'm assuming you knew he was going to ask me." I nod my head and smile at her. Of course, I knew. "We had just left his place when this minivan passed us and was swerving in and out of traffic. The guy was driving like a maniac so Elliot said we were going to take a short cut. That's the last thing I remember."
I swallow the lump in my throat. I'm glad she doesn't remember the accident. I'm glad her last memory of Elliot was the best memory she could possibly hold onto.
"Someone hit you guys. He ran a red light and crashed into Elliot's side of the car." The tears are starting to form in my eyes. I can't hold them back. "The burns on your face are from an airbag exploding."
"What about Elliot?" Tears are streaming down her face. She knows the answer to her own question. I shake my head. "Reagan. Where is he?"
I've lost my voice. I'm not ready to say it out loud. I can't. It'll make it real. It's real enough right now. His funeral is tomorrow. A funeral that Felicity probably won't be able to attend. The place where I'll have to say goodbye to the best friend I've had since childhood. The best friend a girl could ever ask for.
He was my protector. My confidant. The only person who understood me. The one who pushed me to be the best I could be. The one who was there to catch me when I fell. He was my everything and now... he's gone. I love him, more than I'll ever be able to describe and in a way that I'll never love another again. I'm not sure I ever told him that.
I close my eyes and bow my head. I hear Felicity crying, but I know there's nothing I can do to comfort her. It hurts. It's going to hurt for a long time. The pain will never go away, but it will hopefully fade over time. I have to believe that one day Elliot's memory will make me smile and the pain will be a dull ache in my chest.
When the Grangers arrive, I let them have some time alone with Felicity. I pick up my fallen pad of paper and my purse and promise to come back and see Felicity tomorrow. I don't tell her it's Elliot's funeral. I know the doctor's won't let her leave the hospital to attend. We'll have our own private memorial once she's better. She needs to focus on her recovery right now.
The house is silent. It's an eerie feeling. I've never lived alone. Felicity and I have been roommates for eight years. She'll be home eventually but until then I'm going to have to get used to being here without her. Not tonight. Tonight I need company.
I rummage through my purse and pull out my cell. He answers on the first ring as if he was waiting for my call. He's walking through the front door with a bottle of wine and a smile half an hour later.
We sit on the back porch, drink wine and talk. I talk, he listens. I tell him every good memory of Elliot I have. I tell him about growing up next door to each other. I tell him about our fights in college. I could talk about Elliot for hours and hours and never run out of stories.