"James asked me to stand up and say something tomorrow. Today, actually." I say as I look down at my watch. It's after two in the morning. The funeral starts in less than eight hours.
"Are you going to?"
"I don't think I can. I want to, for Elliot. I want to honor his memory, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about him yet."
"You just did. I know it's different but I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for Reagan." He takes my hand and slowly brings it to his lips, kissing my knuckles.
"I'm not. I haven't slept in days for more than a few minutes at a time it seems. I can't close my eyes without seeing him." I relish the feel of my hand in his. His touch is gentle and comforting. There's a reason I called him. Deep down I know it's not fair to him but I can't help it. I need him right now and I'm being selfish. There's no one else. I'm all alone.
Will excuses himself and disappears inside. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. The breeze blows my hair around my face, tickling my nose. I smell the ocean, the salt. I listen as the wave’s crash against the beach. My body feels comfortably numb thanks to the wine. As long as I don't think about Elliot, his funeral or the fact that Felicity is broken inside and out, I might be able to sleep tonight. I take a deep breath and then another.
MY ALARM IS BLARING. I reach for it but something is in my way. Correction. Someone is in my way. I crack open my eyes to see that Will is fast asleep next to me. He's fully clothed and snoring lightly. I reach over him and shut my alarm off. Careful not to wake him, I crawl out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I realize as I close the door behind me that if my alarm didn't wake him, nothing is going to.
I take off down the beach at a snail’s pace. I'm grateful I was able to sleep last night, but my lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me. If my alarm hadn't gone off, I could have slept the day away. I would have regretted it later on, but the thought is enticing.
The water is rough today, mimicking the feelings coursing through me. As the waves crash ashore, the spray blows against me, coating my skin in a sheen of salt mixed with water. It's both refreshing and annoying. It's causing my skin to itch, but I'm glad for the sensation at the same time. I feel it. I feel something other than the despair that's been encompassing me.
I stand under the spray of the shower much longer than I need to. The salt is gone. The sweat is gone. My body feels clean and refreshed, but the thought of starting my day consumes me. Once I shut the water off, get dressed and emerge from my room, the darkness will be real. I only have a few hours before I have to face reality. I want to make those hours pass as slowly as I can.
Wrapped in a towel, I make my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. My mind is focused on what I'm going to wear today. Black skirt or black dress? Do I even bother to put on mascara? Oh! I have a new black pinstriped pantsuit I can wear. That will look nice with my favorite boots, the ones I bought when I went to visit Elliot that first time in New York.
"Good Morning." Will's voice catches me off guard. He's sitting at the counter, a cup of coffee in his hand. I assumed he went home when I didn't find him in my bed after my run. I was wrong.
"Hey. I didn't know you were still here." I reach up and carefully grab a mug from the cupboard, holding my towel to ensure that it doesn't slide down.
"I hope that's okay. I figured you went for a run so I made some coffee since it seems like Felicity always makes the coffee."
"That's fine." There's an awkward silence. Felicity does make the coffee. We also always sit out on the porch and catch up in the mornings. Feeling slightly awkward, I lean against the counter and blow on my cup causing the steam to rise. My lack of clothing is a problem for me. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "I'm going to get dressed for the funeral. Will you still be here when I come back?"
He puts his coffee down and tilts his head, studying me for a minute before he answers. "Do you want me to be?"
I don't know the answer to that. In a way, I do. At the same time, I don't. I have enough on my plate today. Adding Will into the mix will either help or hurt my situation. I would love for him to be there for the support. He has a way about him that calms me and makes me believe that everything is eventually going to be alright. The depression and anger are still there, but it doesn't consume me when he's around.
I don't know what to tell him so I don't answer. I smile at him and take my coffee back to my room to get ready for what is bound to be the worst day of my life thus far. Looking at myself in the mirror I see a version of myself I haven't seen in a long time.
Staring back at me is a much younger, less confident, scared Reagan. It's as if I've rewound time ten years. If only that were possible. I would save Elliot and Felicity from the crash. I would have introduced them back in college. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back.
Thinking about college and all the wasted time makes me think of Luke. I know I'll be seeing him in a few hours. I didn't ask James if he was in town, I assumed. I can't imagine him not coming home for Elliot's funeral. No matter his reasons for not coming home until now, this is different. Elliot was his brother, his best friend. He'll be there. If he's not... well then he's not the person I've been in love with anymore. The Luke I've loved most of my life is a caring person who always put others needs ahead of his own.
I blow out my hair and pull it back in a bun. My contacts don't want to cooperate so I slip my glasses on. I do my best to hide the bags under my eyes with concealer and look decent. The final result is less than glamorous, but it's not about being glamorous today. It's about remembering Elliot and he's a large part of the person that I used to be and an even bigger part of the person that I've become.
Will is waiting in the kitchen for me when I come out. He must have run home while I was getting ready because he's freshly showered and dressed for the funeral. He looks nice. Better than nice, actually. I take notice of how attractive Will is. His eyes are the lightest shade of hazel and they contrast nicely with his dark brown, almost black, hair.
"Thanks for being here today. I hope you know that it means a lot to me." I try to sound appreciative, but I fall short. I wish I sounded more sincere, but I only have two emotions today. Sad and destroyed.
"You're welcome. I know Elliot meant a lot to you and I want to help in any way that I can. Today, tomorrow or next week. Whenever you need me for as long as you'll let me help."
His looks are mild in comparison to his personality. He has to be one of the nicest people I have ever met. He's much nicer to me than I deserve. I never expected him to talk to me after our first disaster of a date let alone be here for me like he has been the last week. Words will never be able to express my gratitude, but I'll find a way to try. Not today but soon.
The drive to the funeral home is solemn. I stare out the window and watch as life goes on around us. There’s a couple holding hands, waiting to cross the street. I see a mother and her daughter walking down the sidewalk eating ice cream. There's a man in a suit talking on his cell phone looking distressed.
Life goes on. Mine will. Felicity's will. Elliot's won't. He lived his life to the fullest while he was here, no regrets, but it was still cut too short in my opinion.