We're a few minutes early so I search for James and find him standing in front of the casket. The casket is closed as I expected. If the accident was even half as bad as the paper reported it, as I've imagined it over and over again, his casket would need to be closed. I would love to see my friend one last time but it wouldn't be the same and I don't want to remember him that way. I have pictures to help me always remember the Elliot that I grew up with. The Elliot that I loved. The man that I want to remember.
I stop a few feet away from him, my eyes trained on the back of his head and not the casket. I can't get any closer. Will takes my hand and squeezes it for support. I needed it just then and he knew somehow. "James." He doesn't turn around, only nods. "I've decided I would like to say a few words if that's okay with you still."
"I think he would like that, Reagan. Thank you." His head drops to his chest as he speaks. I can't imagine the sorrow that he feels right now. I'm sure it pales in comparison to mine and the sorrow that I feel is indescribable.
I leave him to mourn in peace. Will and I take a seat and wait in silence for the funeral to start. I watch as past acquaintances from high school pay their respects to the family. No one seems to notice me and I'm grateful. I'm not in the mood to make small talk.
The pastor walks behind the podium and people find their seats. The Evans family takes their seats in the front row. It hits me that there is not one but two of their children missing. I'm surprised to see that Luke is not with the family. Whatever his reasons for not coming home will never be good enough to excuse him from this. Times like these tell a lot about a person's character. This moment will define him. I hope he understands that.
The pastor says a prayer and then a few nice words about Elliot. James heads to the podium. We all wait for him to speak and when he doesn't, I take it as a sign that I need to help him out. I need to be strong for him like Will has been strong for me. I make my way to the podium at quickly as possible. I've never enjoyed being the center of attention and right now I can feel all eyes on me. I hug James and whisper in his ear. "I've got this."
As soon as he takes his seat again I clear my throat and search for my focal point. If you can find one thing to focus on during a speech you forget you're in front of an audience. I scan the room to find it and when I do, I inhale so sharply that the microphone picks it up. People start to turn, following my eyes. To distract them, I start speaking.
"For those of you that may not know me or recognize me, my name is Reagan Brooks. Elliot and I grew up next door to each other and have been best friends since we were little. I'm not sure what I can tell you about Elliot that you don't already know. He was an amazing person, brought up in an amazing family." I look to the Evan's who are all assembled in the front row with the exception of Luke. I shift my eyes back to him and continue. "I was blessed to have known Elliot for as long as I did. He was the kind of person who made you feel special just because you knew him. He had a caring heart, one that had room for everyone. The day of the accident-"
I pause and look down at the podium. I can feel myself getting choked up. I regain my composure quickly and find my focal point. He's still staring directly at me. "The day of the accident Elliot asked his girlfriend, Felicity, to marry him. Of course, she said yes. He was so excited to ask her. He was already making plans for their future together: kids, a house, the whole nine yards. He would have made it his reality, too. That's the way Elliot was. If he wanted something, he worked hard until he earned it, until he could prove to everyone that he deserved it.
"Each of you are here because in some way Elliot made an impact on your life. It may have been small or felt insignificant when it happened, but you can see how much bigger it really was now. He had that effect on people. He would say one kind word, one encouraging word and you just knew things were going to be better. It's important to remember Elliot the way he would have liked to have been remembered. As a good friend. An amazing brother. A loving son.
"I'm sad to have to say goodbye to my friend. I am proud to have known him. He made me a better person just by being a part of my life. I loved him and I'll miss him, but he will forever live on in my heart."
I break eye contact with Luke and head directly back to my seat. The pastor takes my place behind the podium and we bow our heads in prayer one last time. He speaks to the heavenly father while I speak directly to Elliot, telling him everything I want him to know before his soul is taken.
I tell him that I love him. I thank him for his unwavering friendship and support through all our years together. I promise to watch over Felicity and help her through this. I promise to keep his memory alive long after he's gone. Lastly, I promise to find someone who makes me as happy as Felicity made him and that when I do, I'll fight for them and never let them go.
I DON'T SOCIALIZE at the wake. There are a few familiar faces that say hello to me, tell me what a great speech I gave and then go about their business. I'm not interested in reconnecting with people that I haven't seen in a decade, people that didn't care about me back then and are only being cordial now. I've never cared what they thought of me and now that Elliot's not here to be my wingman, to defend me when needed, I don't plan to open myself up to strangers.
That's what they are. Strangers. They were back then and they still are.
My parents have come and gone. My mother was a wreck. Elliot was like her son. I'm pretty sure she was hoping that we would marry long ago. She never completely understood our relationship and now she never will. I won't be able to explain it to her or talk about Elliot for a while.
Will stays by my side the entire time. I watch as Luke and James move from table to table, thanking each person for coming today. Mr. and Mrs. Evans stay seated. Neither of them are making eye contact with anyone. Mrs. Evans looks as if she might break at any moment. I want to go to them, to hug them, but I know better. It's best to let them grieve right now and save the hugs for a later date.
I study Luke, his movements. He's changed. The boy I knew has grown into a man. Physically I would recognize him anywhere. He's still as gorgeous as he was in high school. His confidence radiates off him like it always has. Something is off though, and I can't put my finger on it.
I expected him to be different than I remembered. Maybe under the circumstances I'm holding onto the boy he used to be and that's who I recognize. When he turns toward our table and our eyes meet, my heart speeds up. The feelings that were coursing through my body that day in the woods so long ago have returned. Every emotion, every desire, builds and builds as he walks toward the table, his eyes never leaving mine. From this distance, they look like they're the same color they were that day, dark and stormy.
I'm not ready. I've spent years dreaming about this moment and all I can think about is how much I'd like to run and hide. Running is what got me into this mess to begin with. He'll catch me, or at least he'd try. I'm not that girl anymore.
Will says something to me, but I don't hear him. I'm still staring at Luke. He's only a table away now. Suddenly, he breaks eye contact. I follow his eye to where my hand is, on the table covered by Will's. I pull my hand away and look back to Luke, but it's too late. I don't see him anywhere.