"I will."
He pulls me into his body, mine fitting perfectly to his and kisses my hair. That's not how I want this to end. I want his lips on mine. I want more. More of everything. More time. More kisses. More of Luke. All of Luke.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" My voice is barely above a whisper, but I know he heard me. His body just went stiff as a board.
"I don't know if that's a good idea, Reagan. This is already going to be hard enough. If I stay here tonight and things happen, it's going to be even harder to say goodbye."
I push against his chest and he lets me go. I step back and look him square in the eye, determined for him to hear every word I'm about to say. "If I'm going to lose you in a few weeks then I'm telling you right now," I say as I poke him in his deliciously hard chest. "We will spend the next few weeks as if they are our last and make the most of every moment. It starts right now."
I don't wait for him to respond. I've known Luke my entire life and if I give him a chance to say something, we might talk around things for the rest of the night. Instead, I reach up, capture his face and bring my lips to his. That's all the prompting he needs. I'm lifted off the ground. I wrap my legs around his waist and when my back hits the wall, I moan in satisfaction.
"I'm never going to be able to forget you, Reagan Brooks."
June 8, 2004
Luke,
You left this afternoon. I hugged you. I wanted to kiss you, but I refrained. Then, I watched you disappear down the driveway. I cried. I'm still crying. I can't find a way to put into words how I feel right now. Empty. Hollow. Alone.
I don't want to feel this way and I know it won't last forever. I have all summer to get used to you not being around. I don't like the idea, I loathe it actually. It'll be the first summer ever that we've spent apart. There was that one time where you went to summer camp. What did that last? Three days? Elliot lasted longer than you. I think he was gone for two weeks.
I need you to explain this to me again. Why did you sign up to be a Marine? I need to understand it. I can't grasp the concept of why you would want to put your life in danger. Please don't misunderstand. I am very proud of you and the fact that you want to protect our country. I just need to understand your mentality a little better. Something had to influence you to make this decision.
Disregard my rant. I do get it. Sort of. I'm just sad. I'm still crying. You've only been gone for an hour. I'll pull myself together by the time Elliot comes home.
Okay, I hope you get settled and that they're not as hard on you as you said they would be. I need for you to remember two things.
1. You promised you would be safe and that you would come home.
2. You promised to write me back.
I miss you already,
Reagan
July 15, 2004
Reagan,
Sorry, it took me so long to write. To say I've been busy is the understatement of the year. Things are different here. It's hard. They push you to do better than your best. Then, you have to do even better than that. I can do this. I know I can. It's not going to be easy, but I'll manage.
I had a dream last night about you. Do you remember when we were kids and you were learning to ride without training wheels? I thought you had it so I let go and you fell, scraping your knees. I remember carrying you back to your house so that your mom could fix you up. You didn't even cry. You were so brave. I think I fell in love with you a little that day.
I didn't realize it until now. That dream must have triggered something. Maybe it's the stress from everything here or maybe it's the fact that I haven't seen you in a month. I just woke up this morning and realized when it all began and I wanted to tell you.
I miss you, Reagan.
Always in my heart,
Luke
September 10, 2004
Luke,
School started again last week. I'm actually writing this letter during Spanish. It was different knowing that you weren't here. It's not like we ran into each other all the time but just catching a glimpse of you every now and then was the highlight of my day. I don't have that anymore. I barely see Elliot.
He says you might be able to come home soon now that boot camp is done. Congratulations on graduating. My parents took us to the Bahamas for a week or else I would have been there. Elliot said it was pretty cool to see you walk across the stage. He showed me a few pictures. You look different. I can't tell what it is, but you look different to me. Maybe it's the uniform?
There's not a whole lot going on here that you're missing. Elliot has a new fling. Some girl from a different school. He calls her V so I'm not really sure what her name is. She's kind of skanky. Even James doesn't like her and you know he normally likes everyone, especially Elliot's "toys". That boy will never learn to keep his hands to himself.
I don't have much else to tell you. I hope I get a letter back from you soon. They are the highlight of my day. Just remembering our last few weeks together makes me smile. I can't wait until you come home and we don't have to sneak around. It was pretty hot, but I think things can be just as interesting without all the secrets.
Miss you,
Reagan
October 2, 2004
Reagan,
Things here are crazy. I'm being deployed. I can't tell you where but it's not somewhere I want to go. Please don't worry about me. I know you will but try your hardest to know that I'll be as careful and safe as I can. I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to write again either.
If something happens, always know that I will never forget you, Reagan Elaine Brooks. You are the next chapter in my life, the one that matters.
I'm sorry this letter is so short. I have to pack and we are leaving in 30 minutes.
Always in my heart,
Luke
November 13, 2004
Luke,
You totally could have left out the part that said "don't worry" because you know me better than that and I've done nothing but worry about you since I got your letter. The part about never forgetting me and shit. I hate you for that. You make it sound like a goodbye letter and I won't accept that. I know you're scared and so am I. You will be fine. You will come home safely. You will come home to me and it will be soon.
Instead of asking Elliot about you, I ran into James on purpose the other day at school and asked him. He said you were fine. It made me wonder if he really knows anything so I invited myself to dinner at your house last night and asked your mom.
She looked concerned, Luke. What the hell?
If your mom is worried about you, then you are probably in danger. Does she know where you are? I need you to at least tell me that. I can't stop thinking about you. I actually failed a government exam the other day because it asked me something about a war and I couldn't answer it. I froze up. All my thoughts went to you and your safety and I didn't even finish the exam. It was the second question!
I need peace of mind, Luke. Please.
Call me. Text me. Send me another letter. I've been waiting for a letter for over a month so that I know where to send this one. I'm hoping it reaches you, wherever you are.