I hand Luke his beer and motion for him to follow me outside. Luke takes a seat at the table, but I remain standing, too nervous to be close to him. I lean against the railing, sipping my cocktail, as I wait for him to say something. He's staring at me, studying me again.
"How have you been, Luke?" I break the silence, unable to take it anymore.
"Fine. You?" I close my eyes at the sound of his voice. It's been so long and I've missed it so much.
"I'm okay. Are you still in North Carolina?" It's all I can think to say.
"Yeah. It looks like you've built quite a nice life for yourself here. Does your boyfriend live with you?" I laugh. I don't mean to, but it slips out. I cover my mouth to stop myself, but it's too late. "Did I say something funny?"
"Boyfriend?"
"From today. The one that was possessively eyeing me and touching you any chance he had." There's something in his voice that I don't recognize. It's not anger. It's not concern. I can't put my finger on it.
"That's Will. He's my personal trainer and a friend. I don't date." Shit! Why did I just say that last part? He's going to want to know why and I can't tell him why.
"Really? I think he might have the wrong impression." That's all he says for a minute as he sips his beer and studies me some more. My knees are starting to go weak so I take a seat across from him at the table and a staring contest ensues. Until Luke leans towards me and whispers. "I know, Gracie. I know how you feel."
MY MOUTH DROPS open, but no words come out. He knows what? How? The only two people I've told how I feel about him are Elliot and Felicity. I find it hard to believe that Elliot told him after years of keeping my secret. I know Felicity didn't tell him. James thinks he has it all figured out, but I confirmed nothing.
On top of that, why is he calling me Gracie again? My heart fluttered when he said it, but it's been too long. I always thought he used to call me that to annoy me. There was a moment, a brief, fleeting moment when I thought that maybe there was a bigger reason. That maybe his words had some truth behind them that day in the woods. I hoped but never thought it was a possibility.
"I can see the wheels turning inside your head. You're wondering who told me and why. You're going through every conversation you've ever had that I was mentioned in, picking each one apart. You can stop torturing yourself. I'll tell you, but you need to ask the right question first."
"Did you ever think that you might be misinformed?" I'm not going to play his game. If he knows the truth it doesn't matter who told him. I won't confirm or deny anything. I'm not going to put myself out there just to be let down. Luke is the only man that I will never be able to have for just one night, for just one more kiss.
"I thought about it and then dismissed it when I saw you yesterday."
"Hmm. So just by looking at me you were able to confirm that the information you were given was correct. That's amazing. You should work for the government and spend time talking to terrorists." My sarcasm is over the top and I know it. It was unnecessary to take it that far. Instead of covering up my feelings I just confirmed them for him. I was never very good at deflection.
He's always done this too me. I close my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day in the woods. He got me fired up so that I would tell him the truth, so I would tell him exactly what I wanted. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He fought me to give me what I wanted. To get what he wanted.
When I open my eyes, the fire in his is burning bright.
"Grac-"
"No." I stop him before he says it again. I can't let myself get caught up in him again if he's going to leave town. He will leave town, it's inevitable. If it took a tragedy to bring him home, I can't think of anything that's going to keep him here.
"Reagan. I'm sorry." He stands, towering over me. It's my turn to take him in. The basic gray t-shirt he's wearing shows the definition of every muscle in his body. I stare, wondering how it's even possible for him to look better than he did before he left. "I should never have come here. I was obviously misinformed."
My resolve to let him go lasts as long as it takes him to walk to the front door. "Wait, Luke."
He stops but doesn't turn around. His head drops to his chest. "Ask me, Reagan."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I'm afraid of the answer. You're going to leave, right? Does it even matter?"
He spins and is in my face in seconds. "It matters. You matter. You always have. I saw it back then and I see it now." I take a step back and he matches me. Another and my back is against the wall. His body language changes and a playful grin appears on his face. "Here we are again. Tell me, Gracie. What do you want from me because there are a few things I can offer you."
His words shatter my resolve. I close my eyes and were back in the woods, young and impressionable. Running from our fears and towards each other. I remember being head over heels in love with him. Am I still in love with him or am I more in love with the idea of him, the memory of him?
I have two choices right now. I can go for broke and tell him everything. Or, I can stick to my guns and tell him nothing. Neither option appeals to me. I want something in the middle. I want time with him, to get to know him again, the person he’s become. Time is so precious, though. You never know how much you are going to get.
That's my answer.
"Time."
"How much?"
"As much as I can have." He takes a step back and looks in my eyes. The burning desire is still there, but something else is lingering as well. "I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't care about you, that I haven't spent every day for the last ten years wishing for this moment. I've imagined this going one way and one way only. Losing Elliot puts a whole new spin on everything, including this. So, right now all I want is time, with you."
"I have a plane to catch in two days. You can have me until I leave if you want." I nod, never taking my eyes off of his. "Now, the question is where do you want me?"
I start laughing hysterically and so does he. I'm thankful for the break. I was drowning in the tension in the room. His words hit me deep though. I'm not sure how much he knows and I'm sure that he doesn't know that I've never been with a man.
I stop laughing. I need air. I try to step around him, but he traps me against the wall again. "I was only half-kidding, Reagan. There is one thing I want from you and I can't wait a second longer."
I draw in a deep breath, ready to blurt out the truth. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Luke is staring at me, waiting for me to say something, but I can't. He leans in close and whispers in my ear. My eyes close, his voice seducing me in the way I've dreamt it would.
When his lips touch mine the sparks fly. No time has passed. I wrap myself around him and he lifts me, pressing me against the wall. The same combination of gentle caresses and passionate lust ignite something deep down inside me. This is what I've been looking for all these years. This is why no man has ever measured up. It's my own personal heaven.
I feel us moving and then I'm being lowered onto something soft. The couch. Luke is on top of me, one of his knees between mine, the other planted on the floor. I open my eyes when he pulls back. He reaches up and moves a stray piece of hair from my face, softly rubbing my cheek with the back of his hand. He kisses my lips gently only once and then pushes himself off of me.