Reagan, I love you more than words will ever be able to describe. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to call you and attempt to tell you. I can't do either. It's not fair to you. I don't want you to keep holding onto me when I have no idea who I'll be on the other side of this journey I'm on.
This place changes you. It makes you realize who you want in your life and what you want to hold onto. I've realized how important you are to me, how much my heart yearns to be near you. It's also hardened my heart. I've seen things that I can't unsee. I've learned things about myself that I don't like.
I'm not the same person I was last year. I'll never be that person again and my fear is that you won't love the person I've become. That's my greatest fear. That's why I'm letting you go. One day we will meet again. When that day comes, my only hope is to find that you're happy and healthy.
I love you, Reagan. I think I always have and I know I always will. I may own a piece of your heart, but you own all of mine. That will never change. When I do see you again, my actions will speak for me.
Always in my heart,
Luke
April 1, 2006
Reagan,
I don't know what to say to you. I just got off the phone with Elliot. He was being an asshole. I asked about you and he freaked out on me. He started asking questions. I know we promised not to tell him but it might be time. He's not stupid. I think he's putting two and two together.
I'm not ashamed that I love you. We shouldn't have to hide it from him. I won't tell him without your permission though and since I'm too afraid to send these letters to you, I'll never tell him. It'll be up to you. If you decide that one day you want to tell him, you have my permission. He might take it better coming from you anyway. He's always had a soft spot for you. You're the sister he always wanted but never had. He was stuck with two brothers that constantly picked on him for having a girl for a best friend.
He was the lucky one. He had you. He still does.
Always in my heart,
Luke
December 24, 2007
Reagan,
I bought you a gift a few weeks ago. I was going to bring it home with me and then I chickened out. I made it all the way to the airport, checked in for my flight and went through security. I listened as they called for passengers to start boarding. I was frozen in place. I watched as they shut the gate and the plane departed.
I want to see you. I want to hold you. More than anything. If I'm going to let you move on, I can't see you though. I know it's been over three years, but it feels like just yesterday I promised myself that I would let you live your life.
Elliot said that you changed your hair. I'm sure it looks amazing. He also told me that you've been acting different lately. I'm not judging you, but he says that you've been dating a lot. His exact words were something like "she's going through boyfriends faster than I go through underwear." I'm worried about you. Please don't do anything you can't take back. Regret is a funny thing. Trust me. There is so much that I regret.
Not sending my letters for one. Avoiding going home. Avoiding seeing you. My biggest regret is not telling you the truth about how I feel. There are so many things that I wish I could change, do over, but I know that I can't.
I'll find a way to make all of this up to you, Reagan. I promise.
Merry Christmas!
Always in my heart,
Luke
January 18, 2008
Reagan,
You still love me. When your letters stopped coming I assumed you moved on, no matter what Elliot would tell me. After talking to him on his way home from your place last night, I know that you love me. At least, according to Elliot who was pressing me for answers.
Don't worry. I didn't tell him anything. He needs to hear it from you.
He was angry, Reagan, and maybe a bit confused. Whoever Preston is has him on edge. Does he really look that much like me? Elliot thinks you're looking for me, that you're trying to replace me. I hope that's not the case. I hope you never replace me with another man. I understand why he would think that, though.
There was a girl - I'm sorry, I know you aren't going to want to hear this - last year that I tried to date. She was sweet and innocent like someone else I know. Her eyes... that's what really got me. They were so similar to yours that I got lost in them. It was like I was looking at you if I stared at her long enough. Her hair was even a close match.
I made it two dates before I had to break all ties with her. It was too weird. She was you, but she wasn't. Her physical features were similar, but that's where it ended. I don't want a stand-in Reagan. I want the real thing because no one will ever be able to compare to you. No one gets me like you do. No one turns me on like you do. Sorry, that may have been a little bit of an over share.
The point is, I think it's time to tell Elliot. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter so that you knew. When you're ready, when the time feels right, I know that you'll tell him.
Always in my heart,
Luke
May 25, 2014
Reagan,
This is my final letter to you. I'm on my way home. I'm on my way to see you. I'm actually sitting in the airport right now waiting for my plane to board. Once I seal this envelope, I'll place it in the bag with the rest of them. I'm bringing them all with me, to give to you. I owe you an explanation and I'm not sure that words will be enough. I think the letters will help you. Writing them has helped me.
Elliot put everything in perspective for me this afternoon. He's the reason that I'm finally coming home. He says that you're miserable. All I've ever wanted for you is to be happy. It seems I've had the opposite effect on you than I intended to have. Letting you go was supposed to be a good thing for you. I was trying to be selfless. I screwed that up and I'm so sorry. I plan to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me.
I love you, Reagan Elaine Brooks. By the time you read this letter, I hope I've shown you how much I love you and have loved you for the last ten years. I have a decade to make up for and I'm going to start as soon as my plane lands. I hope you're ready.
Always in my heart,
Luke
I NEED TO TAKE a break. With every new letter I read my emotions run wild. To know that Luke was thinking about me all these years... I don't know what to do with that information. My hope was that one day we would be together. When I dreamt about him I always wished that he was dreaming of me as well. To know that he was, that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine, is surreal.
It spins a whole new perspective on things.
I change my clothes and make my way down to the beach. My plan is to run, but my body has other ideas. The sleepless nights and stressful days are getting to me. Instead, I walk and think of Elliot. I let my mind wander as I stare at the beautiful homes that are along the water.
Money. Success. None of it really matters. Happiness and the people you surround yourself with, the people that you share your life with, the people you love. That's what matters in life. It's not what you have it's how you live.