I take a seat and stare out into the darkness. I'm not sure what time it is, but the sun has been down for hours. There's a chill in the air and my skin pebbles as a breeze blows off the water. I rub my hands up and down my arms to warm myself when I feel someone standing behind me.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up until I hear his voice. I let out the breath I was holding and shake my head.
"What are you doing down here?"
"You happen to stop in front of my house and take a seat on the sand so I thought I would join you." Will wraps a blanket around my shoulders as he takes a seat in the sand next to me. "I took that as a sign that you might need to talk."
We do need to talk, but I don't think he's going to like what I have to say. Will's been chasing me for years and his timing has always been horrible. This time is no different. I was ready to give him a chance, to really try and make it work this time. Luke showing back up made my head spin in circles and his letters have caused an ache in my chest that I don't think will ever go away.
"I do need to talk to you but I don't think now is a good time." I look over at him but can't see his expression. There's a porch light shining brightly behind him and no matter how hard I squint, I can't make our more than the structure of his cheeks.
"I'm guessing this has something to do with the guy that was at your house earlier."
"Um. That was Elliot's brother, Luke. How did you know I had company?" Was he spying on me? What did he see? What did he hear?
"I came over a few hours ago to check on you and I heard you yelling."
"I had no idea. You didn't knock." I wish I knew exactly what he heard when he was there. I've never talked about Luke with Will. There was never a reason to.
"I walked so I was coming up the back and when I reached the top step of the porch I heard you. It didn't look like he was hurting you so I didn't stay. Is everything alright?" His concern for my well-being makes my heart ache. I never intended to hurt Will, it was the farthest thing from my mind, but I knew this day would come and I should have prepared myself better. I should have prepared him for it. I should have told him about Luke.
Who am I kidding? I could barely bring myself to tell Elliot all those years ago. I would never have told Will if Luke hadn't shown up.
"I'm managing. Thanks for asking."
"I'm worried about you."
"I know. I'll get through this." I get the feeling he's not referring to Elliot or the funeral. He knows more than he's letting on.
"Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think so but thank you." I'm going to have to talk about it with him eventually. No matter what decisions I make, I'm going to have to let go of Will. If I choose Luke, if I pursue him after everything is said and done, I'm going to have to tell Will everything. If I don't choose Luke, I'll probably still let Will go and he'll want answers. It's not fair to him to keep him in the dark. I push myself off the sand and wipe my hands on my shorts. "I'm going to head back to the house. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Do you want company?"
I cringe before quickly forcing a smile. Hopefully, he couldn't see my face. "Not tonight."
"Okay. Goodnight then." Will stands and pulls me in for a hug. I resist the urge to push him away and instead wrap my arms around him. It'll be the last time. I let him savor the moment before I pull back and start back towards my house. "Reagan," he calls.
"Yeah," I stop and turn towards him.
"Do you still love him?"
He must have listened longer than he let on if he's asking me that question. I wish I had an answer for him, but I don't. I wish I had the courage to tell him everything. "I don't know."
Without waiting for a response, I turn my back to him and head home. There are more letters waiting for me, but I don't think I'm up to reading them tonight. I need to figure out how I feel about Luke and what I want before I read anymore. I won't let this be about him. The only way to separate the two would be to make a decision without knowing everything.
I rinse the sand off of me in the shower and head to bed.
I grab my phone and listen to my voice mails. Felicity called me twice earlier. She sounds depressed. I'd already planned to visit her in the morning so I'll talk to her then. They are planning on releasing her in a few days. Her parents tried to convince her to go back home with them, but she's putting up a fight. She wants to stay here. I love her for that, but I want her to be happy too.
There are memories of Elliot here. I see him everywhere I turn. I know she will too. This is the place they met for the first time. The place where they fell in love. I'm barely holding it together. She's always been stronger than me in so many ways. I hope for her sake that this is one of those times that her strength shines through.
Sleep eludes me for most of the night. I move to the couch and turn on the television. The letters are calling to me. I read one, cry my eyes out and then try to sleep. The cycle repeats itself until the sun comes up. My eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles under them. I can hide the imperfections with makeup but not the eyes. They tell the world my story.
Felicity is sleeping when I finally make it to the hospital. Against my better judgment, I read a few more letter before taking a shower. I had a meltdown. I let it all out. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.
I answer a few work emails while I wait for Felicity to wake up. Her parents are nowhere to be found which I'm grateful for. I'm sure her mother would be concerned with the way I look right now. I don't need for her to worry about me. She needs to focus all her energy on her own daughter.
"You look like shit," Felicity says, her voice still groggy from sleep.
"You didn't even want to try and sugar-coat that?" Her smile lights up the room and she pushes herself into a sitting position. "I tried to hide it with makeup, but apparently I didn't do a very good job."
"You covered your face just fine, but I know you better than that. Your posture gave you away. You never slouch your shoulders forward unless you're sad."
Damn! I didn't realize I had a tell. Leave it to Felicity to wait this long to point it out.
"What can I say? You hide your emotions better than I do."
"Not really. I'm having a good day. That's the reason I tried calling you a few times last night. Where were you?"
Let the inquisition begin...
"Luke showed up."
There is a mix of emotions that cross her face in less than a second. I see shock and sorrow. Joy and agony. By the time she gets control of herself, her uncertainty is all that's left. I let my words sink in for another second before I continue.
"I'm okay if you were wondering."
"You're here so there's that."
"Yes. I got out of bed this morning, or rather off the couch. I didn't sleep because I couldn't get my brain to shut off and I skipped my morning run but otherwise I'm fine."
"What did he have to say? What was it like seeing him again?" She's starting to rapid fire questions so I put my hands up in protest.
"One question at a time. It was weird seeing him, talking to him. It was almost like no time had passed but at the same time it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. He's different. Not in a good or bad way, just different." I pause, giving her a second to catch up. I'm not sure my words make any sense to her. When she nods, I continue. "He apologized. That's about all. I yelled a bit, he explained a bit. Nothing really came out of the situation to be honest with you. I'm just as confused this morning as I have been for years."