"I wondered if he would try to talk to you. James came to visit a few days ago and said that he was going to be at the funeral. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he didn't show. I was worried about you when you didn't answer last night."
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear my phone ring. After he left I went for a walk and didn't think to bring it with me." Felicity is chewing on her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact. That's her tell. Something is on her mind and she's afraid to say it. "Out with it. What are you thinking about?"
"Will." I cringe when I hear his name. "Have you at least talked to him?"
"I ran into him on the beach last night. I promised him I would call him today, but I don't have an answer for him yet. I'm supposed to talk to Luke today, too. He leaves tomorrow night to head back east and I have at least a hundred letters to read still."
"Letters?" Felicity's curiosity is peeked. I wasn't going to mention the letters.
We talk for another hour before the doctor comes in. I end up giving her the play by play of what happened last night from the time Luke showed up to the time I woke up this morning. I share a little bit of what's in the letters I've read so far with her. She acts as my sounding board as we bounce options back and forth as to what I could do, what I should do and what I want to do.
By the time I head back to the house, I still haven't made a decision. I contemplate my options the entire way home. I can try and make things work with Luke, picking up where we left off, giving us the chance that we've both wanted for all these years. I would have to forgive him completely. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that or capable of doing that right now.
I can accept Luke's apology and we can try and start fresh. We're both different people than we were back then. We've grown up but have we grown apart? Both of those options require one of us to move. I'm not willing to try and make things work, starting over or not, from a distance.
Or, lastly, we can try and be friends and nothing more. I'm not sure I was built to be just friends with Luke. There was a time, before puberty, that I saw him as just a friend, but that was so long ago. I'm not sure I even remember what it's like to not have feelings for him.
I have Will to consider in all of this too. The only option that includes Will is if Luke and I try to be friends. There's no room for him in my life otherwise. Do I want him in my life, though? Hasn't he just been a fill-in like the others? If I have Luke, do I really need Will?
WILL IS WAITING for me on the back porch when I emerge for my run. I'm not surprised to see him. I expected him to call hours ago. If he's anything, it's predictable. And impatient. The man doesn't give up easily.
"You didn't call."
"So you thought you would just show up and I'd be ready to talk?" The frustration with my current situation is apparent in every word I speak. I'm not frustrated with Will or even Luke. I'm frustrated with myself. I can't make a decision. I don't know what I want.
Will takes a step back as if I've slapped him. "I'm sorry."
"No, Will. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I've got a lot on my mind and I haven't slept much. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"I get it. You just lost your best friend and then the love of your life shows back up and rattles your cage. I want to help, but you won't let me in."
How does he know so much?
"There's nothing you can do."
"You don't know that. Why don't you let me at least try? Give me a chance." His plea is not about helping me. The way he says it tells me everything I need to know. He listened to our conversation last night. From the time he showed up until the time Luke left. I'm not exactly sure what he heard, but it was enough to know about my history with Luke and put the pieces together.
"I'm not sure what you heard last night, but you don't know what you're talking about."
"I know you love him. I know he's probably the reason that you won't let me in."
I want to disagree with him, but it's pointless. I'm not going to lie to him to save face. He's pushing me for answers and it's time I gave him them. I take a seat at the table and he follows suit, sitting directly across from me. He reaches for my hands, but I pull them back and place them in my lap under the table.
"You deserve the truth. I do love Luke. I always have. I've known him my entire life and I don't remember a time when I wasn't head over heels in love with him. Then he went away. He joined the Marines when I was still in high school. I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost ten years." I have to pause when I feel myself getting choked up. "No one knew how we felt about each other, not even Elliot. We hid it from everyone at first because it seemed forbidden. We use to write each other letters, but his letters stopped coming after my first year at Yale. I didn't know why, they just stopped. He was letting me go. He wanted me to live my life and be happy and he didn't think he would be able to make me happy.
"He's the only man I've ever wanted. He turns me inside out with just one look, one kiss. I dated in college, a lot. I kissed a lot of boys. Yes, boys. None of them even came close to making me feel the way Luke made me feel. So I would move on to the next. It was a cycle. Not one that I'm proud of looking back now but it was the way things were. No one was good enough. No one measured up. I was comparing them all to Luke. I couldn't help myself."
"What about me?" Will interrupts.
"You came the closest. I've felt things for you that I haven't felt for anyone else. I let you in longer than anyone else."
"You said came. Past tense."
"I... I guess I did." I stutter out. I didn't realize that I had placed him in a group with the others. Will is a good guy. I never meant to hurt him but judging by the look on his face, I have. "You deserve better than me, Will. You deserve someone who can give you all of themselves, their whole heart. I can't offer you that. I can't offer anyone that. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never asked for it back. I don't want it back. It belongs to Luke, it always has."
Will stands and walks towards the steps. I think for a second that he's going to leave, but he doesn't. He turns back towards the table and starts pacing. Back and forth. Table to steps. Steps to table. He's not saying anything. His body language, however, speaks volumes.
He stops abruptly and turns towards me. His smile is grim, forced. "What can I do to change your mind? I'm in love with you, Reagan. I have been since the moment I met you."
I want to give him the magic answer he's looking for, but I don't have it. Nothing I say will make this easier on him. Nothing he says will change my mind. I don't love Will. If there was never Luke, he might have a fighting chance but that's not the case.
Will interprets my silence the way I hoped that he would. He bows his head and takes the steps two at a time until he's on the beach, walking slowly away from the house. I watch him as he goes. When he disappears from view I let my head fall into my hands and I cry. Not for my loss but for his. I know that I've broken his heart. I've hurt him and I never intended too. Even the best of intentions can go awry from time to time, though.
I don't have the energy to go for a run anymore. I don't have the energy to get up from my seat. This has been the most emotionally draining week of my life.