I allow myself to think about Elliot. What would he tell me to do? Would he want me to take a leap of faith and repair my relationship with Luke? Isn't that what he was trying to do for me? For the both of us? He's the one who invited Luke to town with the intentions of reuniting us. He's the one that put the wheels in motion.
I can feel him watching over me right now. I imagine the smug grin on his face. He knows the right answer, but he's not here to share. He's not here to tell me what I should do. I can't bounce ideas or thoughts off him anymore. He was my sounding board. He and Felicity but mainly him.
Felicity is getting released in the morning. She asked me to wash her sheets for her, but not her pillow cases. I'm assuming they might still smell like Elliot. I can't blame her for wanting to keep his memory alive as long as possible. I know it's not good for her, but we all cope in our own ways. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm coping.
Will was a big part of that. He helped me through the unimaginable and I destroyed him in the process. I'm a horrible person. I'm selfish and destructive. To others and to myself. I've been this way for years, but there was a time when I was a good person, a better person. Before Luke. Before I let myself get so wrapped up in him and the way I felt for him.
I force myself to get up. I need to clean the house and get it ready for Felicity to come home. I start by washing her sheets. I'm on autopilot. The bathroom is next. Another load of laundry. Vacuum the floors. Load and unload the dishwasher. Another load of laundry. Dust the living room. Go to the grocery store. Put the laundry away and start another load.
It's dark by the time I finish, but the house is spotless. Except the coffee table. It's still littered with letters, piled in small stacks, waiting for me to attend to them.
I stare at them from across the room. Do I really need to read anymore? Can't I figure out what I want to do without knowing every detail of Luke's life the last ten years? Does it matter what he felt when we were apart? It shouldn't. It should only matter how he feels now. How I feel now.
As long as we still feel the same way...
I do. I love him. He hasn't left my mind since he walked back into my life. The truth of the matter is that he hasn't left my mind in the ten years we've been apart. There's always been something or someone that's reminded me of him. Things that I've seen that I would think "Luke would love this" or "I wish Luke was here to see this."
As if he knew that I was thinking about him, my phone rings with a North Carolina area code. I contemplate not answering, but I know that he'll either call me right back or come over.
"Luke."
"Reagan," he teases, taking the same serious tone with me that I just used. "Are you busy?"
"Not really. I just finished cleaning. Felicity is coming home tomorrow. I was trying to decide if I had the energy to go for a run or not." Oh! And I'm staring at your letters, trying to decide if I want to read them or not. Trying to decide if I can handle reading them or not.
"I'm on my way over. I hope that's okay with you." It doesn't sound like I have much of a choice.
"Sure. I'll leave the back door open for you. I'm going to change and go for a run." At least this way I'll have time to clear my head before he gets here. If that's possible.
"Alone? At night?" You can hear his disapproval loud and clear. I guess he forgot that I've grown up since we last saw each other. Well, let me remind him.
"Yes, Luke. Alone. It's what I do. It's what I've been doing for years now. In case you weren't aware, I can take care of myself."
"I get that, Reagan. I know you can take care of yourself. I see that you take very good care of yourself and your body. I'm just worried about the random people that might like what they see as much as I do." He's always had a way of turning things around on me. It's not about me being able to take care of myself. It's about the crazy people in this world that might prey on me. He has a valid point, but I'm determined not to give in to him.
"I'll see you when I get back from my run. I'm leaving in five minutes so if I'm not back in a half hour, send out the search party." I hang up on him so that I don't have to debate the topic.
He's waiting for me on the porch when I return. To the average observer, you would think that he's waiting patiently. I know him better than that. He's pissed. I can see it in his eyes. His lips are squeezing together, forming a straight line, his jaw clenched shut.
I ignore him and make my way into the kitchen for a bottle of water. I pushed myself too hard. I knew Luke would be here when I got back and I rushed. I wanted to see him but with my lack of sleep, my muscles started to revolt half way home. I had to slow down and walk the last hundred yards.
"Are you going to ignore me or are we going to talk?" Luke's voice is dangerously close.
I turn around to find him seated at the counter. Stealthy ninja. I didn't hear him come in, let alone sit down. The Marines have taught him a few tricks apparently. I wonder what else he learned.
I shake my head, pushing away the naughty ideas my body was coming up with. If I let myself think like that before we figure this out I might never be able to make a decision.
"I leave tomorrow afternoon, Reagan. Will you please talk to me?"
"I will. I need to shower first, though. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few minutes." I now have ten minutes to figure out what I want to say to him. As I'm about to close the bathroom door behind me I remember the letters. They're still on the coffee table. I need to pick those up.
I backtrack and find Luke standing over the coffee table, studying the piles. There's one letter, the one I read just before the sun rose this morning, sitting open on top. He picks it up and scans it. A small smile begins to spread across his face. I wonder what he's thinking.
February 14, 2007
Reagan,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I was there to take you out for a nice dinner tonight and celebrate with you. I thought about sending you flowers, but I talked myself out of it. I haven't sent you a letter in over six months. Sending flowers didn't make sense. I don't want to confuse you more than I'm sure you already are.
One day, I will buy you flowers. Day lilies are your favorite if I remember right. White ones. That's what I'll buy you. Chocolate too. For our first Valentine's Day together.
We will have that one day, Reagan. I hope you realize that I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us. I'm not sure how long it'll take but when we are finally together, it will make all the years apart worth every painful moment.
Until then...
Always in my heart,
Luke
MY SHOWERS ARE normally relaxing. Not today. Today all I can think about while washing the sand and sweat from my body is the fact that Luke is in the other room. He's waiting for me. We need to talk. I've played this conversation over and over again in my mind for years. It's never ended the same way twice. Probably because I never thought this day would ever come. I've held onto the hope that it would for years, but that's all I held onto. Hope.
Hope is the equelivent of a wish. Wishes don't come true without a little help. You have to put in the time and energy to make wishes come true. We don't have time and I'm out of energy.