"You know I do."
"Then what's the problem? Do you want to end up like me?"
I feel like I've been slapped across the face. The first tear falls and I'm powerless to stop it. "You shouldn't have... it's unfair."
"Life isn't fair, Reagan. I wish I was still here. I wish I could hug you right now and help you two make sense of your relationship. I wish I could hold Felicity, kiss her one more time. What I want doesn't matter though, because nothing is going to change my situation. You, however, can change yours. I know you want to so figure it out. Sometimes love is enough, Reagan. This is one of those times."
The tears won't stop. I wipe my eyes with the sheet and catch my breath. When I look back up Elliot's gone. I take a deep breath before the first sob escapes my chest. I let it all out. I let go of everything I've been trying to keep inside.
The ringing of my phone wakes me up. I reach across the bed and silence it. The sun is shining through the curtains. I look down at my display and see Felicity's smiling face staring back at me.
"Hello," I mumble as I roll back over and pull the covers up to my chin.
"Are you still in bed? I thought you were going to come and get me?" Felicity sounds confused. She should. I haven't slept past sunrise in years.
"I am coming to get you. What time is it?"
"Almost noon. I've been waiting for you."
Shit! I didn't realize I slept that late. I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. "I'm on my way. I just need to change." My hand is wet when I pull it away from my face. I look down at my pillow, the tear stains evident, and my dream comes back to me. Elliot.
"Grab me a coffee on your way. See you in a bit." Felicity hangs up before I have a chance to respond.
I stare at my pillow for a few minutes before forcing myself to change and head to the hospital. Elliot's words ring loud and clear. I know what I need to do. My heart feels lighter, my spirits higher. Elliot was right. Sometimes love is enough. I hope this is one of those time.
THERE'S AN ENVELOPE sitting on the front steps when Felicity and I finally make it home. I snag it but not before Felicity sees it. I expect an inquisition, but it never comes. Only a sly, knowing smile.
I help her to the couch and head to the kitchen to make her some coffee. I was lost in thought on the way to pick her up and forgot her request. I could use a cup myself.
The letter never leaves my mind as Felicity and I sit on the patio and stare at the ocean in silence. I refill both of our cups twice before she finally says what's on her mind.
"It's nice to be home."
"It's nice to have you home. This place isn't the same without you. It's too quiet." I think about all the times I've walked in the past week to deafening silence. The knowledge that I was alone was the most unbearable part. It felt different than when Felicity use to stay the night over at Elliot's house.
"You haven't been completely alone though. Have you?" She knows the answer to her own question so I don't bother responding. "Are you going to read it? I'm assuming it's another letter from Luke."
"I'm sure it is. I'll read it later. Right now I want to relax and enjoy your company."
"Isn't he leaving today? Don't you think you should read that letter before he's gone?" She has a valid point, but I already have a plan. I wasn't counting on another letter before I put my plan in motion. "Reagan?"
"I hear you. I have a plan."
"Does it include reading that letter anytime soon?"
"I didn't expect him to write me another letter." No reason to beat around the bush. She's going to make me talk about it no matter if I want to or not. "I'm afraid it says goodbye. If it does, my plan doesn't matter."
"I doubt that. If there's anything I've learned in the last week it's that love is worth fighting for. Even if you only have it for a short period of time, the time you did spend together was worth every heartbreaking moment. Elliot may be gone, but I'll never stop loving him. If there's one thing that makes life worth living, its love. Love is enough, Reagan. I know you still love him so why don't you let him love you back? It's what you've always wanted. It's why you've been holding on all these years. It's why no other man has ever measured up. They weren't Luke. They weren't who you wanted at the end of the day. Now you have a chance to be together. You should take it. Don't waste another minute. Life is too short. I think we all learned that."
There are tears streaming down Felicity's face. She started to get choked up and they started falling the second she said Elliot's name. My own tears started to fall as I watched her put on a brave face for me. She shouldn't have to do that. I should be the one comforting her, sharing encouraging words with her and yet she's pushing me to move forward with my life.
I can only nod my head. My voice is lost. There are no words that will take away the pain we both feel right now. There are no words that will bring Elliot back to us. All we have now are the amazing memories we created. We're going to have to hold onto them for dear life.
I excuse myself and head inside to face my fears. I pull the letter from my purse and head to my room, closing the door behind me. If it is a goodbye letter, I'm going to need to be alone after I read it.
Reagan,
I'm leaving for the airport in a few minutes. I just wanted you to know that if it's time you want, take as much as you need. I'll be waiting for you when you make your decision.
I don't need time. I know exactly what I want. You. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I was afraid to have it, but I'm not afraid anymore. I know I've told you this before, but I'll say it again.
I love you, Reagan. I always have and I always will. There is no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way. That's why I'll be waiting.
I need for you to do me one favor, though. Please don't make me wait as long as I made you wait. I don't think I will be able to survive another ten years without you by my side. I know I said you could take as much time as you needed, but that was a lie. Please hurry.
I'm ready to start the rest of my life. That can't happen until we're together.
I love you.
Always in my heart,
Luke
Definitely not a goodbye letter.
I didn't understand until now why he signed his letters that way. Always in my heart. It couldn't be truer. If he's held onto his love for me this long, he's going to hold on forever. The feeling is mutual.
I hear Felicity calling my name and I run into the living room. She's sitting in a chair near the door, out of breath. Her face is ghostly white and her hands are shaking.
"What's wrong?" You can't miss the concern in my voice as I rush to her side.
"Nothing. I think the coffee was a mistake. It all came back up on the patio." I look past her and confirm her story.
"Are you feeling better now that it's out of your system?"
"A little," she says as she gains control of her breathing. "Can you grab me some water?"
I grab a bottle out of the fridge and bring it back to her. The shaking has stopped and her face has a little color back in it. She sips the water for a few minutes. I watch her closely for any signs that I need to rush her back to the hospital.