"I promised my parents that I would call them today once I was settled. Can you help me to my room so that I can call them and then take a nap?" I nod and grab her elbow to help her stand. "You should call Luke while I'm taking a nap."
Very subtle, Felicity. Elliot rubbed off on her apparently.
"I'll think about it." In fact, I think I'll do more than think about it. I think I'll actually call him.
Once Felicity is settled, I pour myself a glass of wine and I step back out on the patio. My phone is sitting on the table, taunting me. I want to call him. I calculate the time difference. He's three hours ahead of us now. It's just past nine his time. Where has the day gone?
Screw it!
I pick up my phone, scroll through my contact and hit the call button before I back out. It goes straight to voicemail. I dial again and get his voicemail again. I set my phone back on the table, defeated. Maybe he's still on the plane? Maybe he forgot to turn his phone back on?
He's not avoiding me. I know that for sure.
I reach for my phone again and it rings in my hand. I smile spreads across my face and then vanishes. Wrong Evans boy.
"Hey, James. What's going on?"
"Not a whole lot. Just checking in. I wanted to make sure you were okay." He sounds like Elliot on the phone. His concern for my well-being warms my heart.
"I'm fine. Felicity came home today."
"I know. That was my next question. How's she doing?"
"She's resting right now. We found that coffee was not a good idea. In fact, I should probably clean it off my deck before it bakes into the wood."
"Gross. I could have lived without that image in my head. Thanks." I have to laugh at James. He's always been the squeamish one of the three boys. "Not funny, Reagan. You know that shit bothers me."
"Sorry. How are you by the way?"
"I'm doing fine. My parents are hibernating at the house, avoiding phone calls and visits from everyone, even me. I guess they saw Luke before he left, but that's it. I tried to call them before I called you and the phone was busy. I think my dad finally took it off the hook. Both of their cell phones are going straight to voicemail. I'm worried about them."
I wish I knew what to say. I'm not surprised that his parents are avoiding everyone and everything right now. They just buried their son. No parent should ever outlive their child. That's not the way it's supposed to be.
"I have to go see my parents for dinner this week so I'll stop over and check on them."
"Thanks, Reagan. I'd appreciate that. Elliot would too." James' voice catches in his throat when he says Elliot's name. I wonder how he's really dealing with all of this right now.
I think about the fact that I'm an only child. When I go, my parents will be all alone. The Evans have two children that will be a constant reminder of the one they lost. I can't decide what's worse. Losing your only child or staring at your living children and being constantly reminded of the one you lost.
I let James go so that I can check on Felicity. She's sound asleep when I peek my head in her room. She probably won't get back up tonight. I know she's been looking forward to sleeping in her own bed. It probably feels amazing compared to the hospital bed she's spent the last week cooped up in.
I try calling Luke one more time and it goes straight to voicemail. The stress of today is killing me. I need to clear my head. I change into shorts and a tank. That first step on the beach is the hardest. The silence allows my thoughts to creep in. On a normal day, I would welcome the time to think things through. Today, I would prefer my brain to shut down.
Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out.
I replay my conversations with Luke over the last few days. I replay my conversations with Felicity too. I remind myself to clean up the puke when I get back to the house. I think of Elliot. I focus on all the good times we had together over the years.
I laugh out loud when I remember the frat party he took me to. The look on that frat boys face when I told him that Elliot and I were dating still makes me giggle. The idea of dating Elliot makes me giggle. He was the greatest person I ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. He was a perfect match for Felicity.
My steps falter when I pass Will's house. The lights are on. I try not to look, but I can't help myself. I see movement in his kitchen. It’s Will. He's shirtless, staring out the window. It makes me wonder if he's watching for me. My running patterns have been mixed lately.
I slow down and eventually come to a stop. He hasn't moved. He's still staring and even though I'm sure he can't see me it feels as if he's staring straight at me. I want to lift my hand and wave, but I can't. If he is watching me, if he can see me, waving would only confuse him further.
I turn toward home, cutting my run short. I've lost my ambition. I suddenly crave the warmth and comfort of my bed. I want to pull the covers up to my chin and hibernate like the Evans.
The sorrow creeps in. In the last week, I've lost my best friend and the love of my life. I let him leave when I should have begged him to stay. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will call him and beg him to come back.
I crawl under the covers and pull Luke's letters out of my night stand. I need to feel his love right now. What better way than to read his words. The words he wrote to me, for me.
March 19, 2007
Reagan,
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I signed up for another four years. I know you'll ask me why one day and you'll want the truth so here it is.
I asked Elliot about you. He blew up at me. He told me about your boyfriend. I'm glad you're happy. The fact that you have someone in your life makes me happy for you. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how wonderful you were and held onto you. I hope he treats you well.
I figured if you had moved on, there's no reason for me to come home. I don't want to interfere. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I always imagined that it would be me that made you happy, but since I'm not there it couldn't be.
I ran from you, Reagan. I was scared. The thought of ruining your life scared me. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I was stronger right now. If I were, I wouldn't have signed that contract. Instead, I would be on the next flight to New Haven. We would be together like we were meant to be.
You may not be mine anymore, but you will always own me. I love you, Reagan. I always will. Please do not ever doubt that.
Always in my heart,
Luke
November 15, 2008
Reagan,
Wow! Japan is a beautiful place. I'm starting a list of places that I want to take you. This is at the top of the list right now. I haven't made it off the base yet, but the view alone is worth seeing. Mount Fuji is miles away from us yet it looks so close. I should take a picture and send it to you. Maybe with the next letter.
I'm going to be over here for at least six months. We're in a safe area so you don't need to worry about me. I have no idea where they're sending me after this. There have been rumors, but nothing has been confirmed. I'll let you know if my next destination needs to be added to the list or if we can skip it.
Elliot and I had an actual conversation before I left the other day. We didn't argue at all. I think he was kissing my ass because I was leaving the country. I know he worries even if he won't say it. If the situation were reversed I would worry about him too. Do me a favor and pop up and see him if you get time. He sounds like me needs a friend.