"Have you thought about asking James for help?"
"Where do you think I got his address? He offered to help, but I declined. I want to do this on my own. I need to."
Felicity smiles at me softly. I know she's happy for me, but right now she's thinking about Elliot. Her eyes betray her. Her smile doesn't light up the room and her eyes are sad. I called her out on it once and only once. She cried when I did. Now, I take it as a sign to change the subject.
I lost Luke once and I remember clearly how devastated I was. For years, he was all I thought about. My darkness will never compare to the hell that Felicity has been through. After she came home, she was sick all the time. They kept changing her meds and nothing helped. Finally, she stopped taking them all together and the vomiting ceased.
A few weeks after she came home she seemed to be in a better place. It didn't last long. The Evans sold Elliot's condo and called to ask Felicity if there was anything she wanted before they cleared it out. I volunteered to go over and get her things and a few things I thought she might like, but she insisted that she do it herself. Alone.
When she didn't come back for hours I got worried and went over there. I found her curled in a ball on his bed, sobbing. She was clutching one of Elliot's shirts for dear life. I had to call James to come and help me get her home. The shirt came with us, along with a handful of other ones I thought she might want later on. She sleeps in them most nights, but I've never seen a single one of them in the laundry pile. I'm assuming they still smell like him.
The last few weeks she's been coping better; helping her has helped me. I dream of Elliot from time to time but not as often. I miss our conversations, but I know that when he's not with me at night that he's comforting her. She needs him more than I do at this point.
We stop for ice cream on the way to the doctor’s office. Felicity orders a plain chocolate cone, Elliot's favorite. It's the little things I've noticed lately. She's clinging to things about him that I will never understand. His favorite ice cream. His favorite movies. The music they use to listen to together. She's trying to keep his memory alive the only way she knows how, the only way she can.
She goes into the room alone. I pull my phone out of my purse and contemplate calling Luke a hundred times before she comes back out. I talk myself out of it before I hit send. I really want to surprise him, but he's never been one to enjoy surprises. Hopefully, this will change his mind. This is meant to be a good surprise.
What if he's with someone when I show up?
No. James assured me that he hasn't talked about anyone else but me since he left. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have needs that need to be fulfilled. Maybe he has a booty call. I shake the thought of Luke with another woman from my mind and put my phone away.
Felicity finally comes back out. She looks the same but somehow different. She tips her head toward the front door and I follow her out to the car. I wait for her to tell me what's going on, but she's silent the entire drive home. It's killing me, the not knowing what's happening. Is she okay?
Turning off the alarm, I close the front door behind us. Felicity has already disappeared into the kitchen. She hands me a bottle of water and motions for me to take a seat at the counter. I give her a questioning look, but she pleads with me using only her eyes. This is serious.
I take a seat and Felicity starts to pace the length of the kitchen. She opens her water and takes a sip before replacing the cap and setting it on the counter. I think she's going to tell me what's going on, but she doesn't. She starts pacing again, this time biting her bottom lip.
"I'm going crazy over here. Please tell me what the doctor said. Are you okay?"
She stops walking and turns toward me. "Yes. I'm fine. We're fine."
Felicity places her hands over her growing belly and her words sink in. "What?"
"I'm pregnant, Reagan. Sixteen weeks to be exact."
I do the math and know for sure that it's Elliot's. Not that there's been anyone since Elliot. It must have happened just before the accident.
"Oh. I don't know what to say. Are you okay? Is this okay?" I point to her belly, not knowing what to do or say at the moment. If the situation were reversed I would be scared to death. She doesn't look scared at all.
"I'm fine and yes, I'm happy about this."
"Really?"
"I was freaked out at first. I had no idea. We were always careful and with as many doctors as I've seen lately, you would think one of them would have caught it. He said that it may have been too early to detect anything while I was in the hospital. What's important is that I have a part of Elliot growing inside me. He may not be here, but a piece of him always will be."
When you look at it that way...
"Congratulations are in order then. You should call your parents." I try to sound excited for her, but I can't muster the right emotions as I speak. For the first time in weeks, I feel sad. I feel Elliot's loss in my heart again and it aches down deep.
"I know how you're feeling right now, Reagan. Give it time. I never thought I would be able to share my heart with another person after Elliot. Now I have a tiny human growing inside my body and my heart couldn't feel any fuller. It's a weird feeling. I love it already and I just found out it was in there."
I nod my head as if I understand what she's saying. I get the concept, but I don't think I'll fully understand the impact being pregnant has on a person until I am that person. One day I'll think back on this conversation and it'll make perfect sense. Until then, I'll pretend to understand and be happy that my best friend is out of the dark hole she's been hiding in. She's lighting up the room with her smile again. That's enough to make me happy.
I head to my room to finish packing while Felicity calls to tell her parents. She plans to call the Evans next. I hope the news helps them the same way it's helping her. They've put on a brave front recently, but I've known them long enough to know that it's just that. A brave front and nothing more.
MY FLIGHT LANDS in Raleigh just after five o'clock local time. With the time difference, I'm getting in later than I originally planned. I should have booked an earlier flight. I'll have to remember that next time I fly east. I pick up my luggage and rental car in record time. It's almost six by the time I leave the airport and head to my hotel to check in.
I'm back on the road as quickly as the elevator ride allows. I follow the turn by turn directions my phone is giving me and pull up in front of a small blue house only five minutes outside the city. It's a cute little cottage-style house with a bay window in the front and white shutters. It doesn't look anything like the houses we grew up around. It's quaint and fresh. I love it. It fits Luke's personality perfectly.
I slowly get out of the car, grabbing the white envelope out of my purse in case he's not here. I make my way up the sidewalk and then the front steps. They creak and give away the houses age. The front porch has character. There are two white wicker rocking chairs and a small table between them. I picture Luke sitting in one of those chairs, a beer in his hand, as he watches the sun set below the tree line.
The thought makes me smile. I would love to sit in the other chair and watch with him.