“Ariana would come with us,” he told me, “but she doesn’t have the power she once had, not even a tenth of it. And fire-dogs are too close to her nightmares; there is no guarantee that she wouldn’t do as much damage to us as she would to Guayota and his beasts.”
“I’d come with you,” I said, “but Adam doesn’t want me to die, and for some reason, he seems to think that’s his decision to make.”
Samuel hugged me. “Don’t mourn us until we’re dead,” he said.
“I’ll spit on your graves,” I told him, and he laughed, the bastard.
“Nice,” said Adam, crouching in front of me. “I had to watch you go up against the river devil.”
“That sucked, too,” I told him without looking up from my knees. “But we had a plan that we thought might work.”
“Based on a story,” he said roughly. “It wasn’t a plan; it was a suicide mission.”
I looked up and met his eyes. I didn’t say, So is this. He knew it; it was in his eyes.
“Honey has made her suite available to us,” he said. “Will you come?”
I unlocked my fingers from around my legs and rose out of Samuel’s embrace and went into Adam’s.
“Yes, please,” I whispered.
No one in the room spoke, but they watched us leave, knowing where we were going, and I didn’t care.
Honey’s suite was a bedroom, office, and bathroom, all done in shades of cool gray. It surprised me until I remembered that this had been Peter’s room, too. The gray suited the man he’d been.
We didn’t speak. All of the words had already been said. When he stripped my clothes off me, I noticed that Honey kept her house a little cooler than ours because I was cold—or maybe that was just fear.
Naked, I took off Adam’s clothes and folded them as I set them down, as if taking care with his clothing might show him how much I longed to take care of him. Unusually, his body was slow to awaken, and so was mine—but that was okay because this was about saying good-bye. About impregnating my skin with his scent so that I would have him with me after he was gone. About remembering exactly—exactly—what the soft skin just to the side of his hip bone felt like under my fingertips and under my lips. It was about love and loss and the unbearable knowledge that this could be the last time. Was probably the last time.
I could feel Ariana’s magic on him, and I hoped that it would be enough to keep him safe.
He lay on his back on Honey’s bed and pulled me on top of him as he’d done the first time we’d made love. He let me touch him until his body was shuddering, and sweat rose on his forehead. He pulled my face up to his and kissed me tenderly despite the speed of his pulse.
“My turn,” he whispered. I nodded, and he rolled me beneath him and returned the favor, seeking out his favorite places and the ones where I was most sensitive. He brought me to climax, then lay with his head on my stomach, his arms around me, catching his breath before he started to build the pace again.
We ended as we’d begun, with me on him, watching his face as I moved on him and he in me. The expressions he wore told me to speed up or slow down until his bright yellow eyes opened wide, and he grabbed my hips and helped me take us both where we were going.
I lay down on him and put my face in his neck, and if I cried, I didn’t show him my tears. He ran his hands up and down my back until I could pretend I hadn’t been crying.
“I suck at this,” I told him. “I suck at words when they count.”
He smiled at me. “I know.”
“I understand,” I told him. “I understand why you have to go and why I have to stay. I think that you are doing the right thing, the only thing you can do. I wish…” My stomach hurt and it would have been kindness to put me out of my misery, but I wasn’t going to share that with Adam.
I know, he said.
“You weren’t supposed to get that,” I told him.
“I know that, too,” he said, his voice tender. “You should know that you can’t hide things from me.”
“Good,” I said, my voice fierce. “Good. Then you know, you know I love you.”
We showered the sweat off our bodies in Honey’s shower, wordless. His hands were warm, and he was patient with my need to touch and touch. I wished futilely that this time would last forever, but eventually he turned off the water and we dressed.
“Willis asked you to call the police if you figured out where Juan Flores was,” I said, jerking a comb through my hair.
Adam took the comb away and took over the job. His touch was gentle and slow, as if there were all the time in the world to do the job properly. As if untangled hair mattered.
“He did,” Adam said. “And I saw enough cannon fodder in ’Nam to last me a lifetime.”
He saw my flinch and paused in his combing to kiss me. Neither of us talked again until he set the comb aside.
“I love you,” I told him rawly. “And if you don’t come back, I will spit on your grave.”
He smiled, but not enough to bring on his dimple. “I know you do, and I know you will. Mercedes Athena Thompson Hauptman, if I have not said it, you should know that you brought joy into my life when I thought there was no joy left in the world.”
“Don’t,” I said, tears spilling over as I frantically scrubbed them away. “Don’t say things like that when I’m going to have to go out there and face all of them. Don’t you make me cry.” Again.
He smiled, this time with dimple, and mopped my face with the shirt he hadn’t put on yet. “You’re tough, you’ll deal,” he said. “And at least I didn’t leave you a letter.”
13
They left at dusk. Ariana had only managed to magic the wolves through Mary Jo, so Alec was with those of us who waved them out. When they were gone, most of the pack dispersed to their own houses. Lucia busied herself cleaning up the havoc that the pack had made of Honey’s house, and Christy and Jesse helped her. I understood the need to do something.
“Mercy.” It was Ariana, but it was something more, too, so I was careful to move slowly when I turned around.
“I have to go,” she said. “I wish … but I cannot stay with my magic depleted and so many wolves about.”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I understand. Thank you, Ariana. You gave them a chance.”
She looked down. “I hope so,” she said in a low voice. “I hope so.”
I didn’t know what to say to her fear, not with mine so wild in my heart. So I watched her get into Samuel’s car and drive off, and tried not to remember that I knew the address.
I went back into the house through the back door. Christy was cooking with Lucia and Auriele. They looked like they were making enough food for an army, even though everyone was gone.
“Where’s Jesse?” I asked.
“Upstairs with Darryl,” Christy said. “She doesn’t want to talk to me, but maybe you’ll have better luck.” Christy looked tired and worried. Her eyes were red. I hoped mine weren’t. “If I had stayed here, where I was needed, everyone would be safe now.”
I wiped my hands over my face to cover whatever expression might have crossed it. She wasn’t trying to shut me out, she was trying to save Adam and the rest.
“If I had married a doctor, like my mother told me to, then I wouldn’t have Joel to grieve over,” Lucia said unexpectedly. She was good at being quiet and unobtrusive. “And that would be a waste. If you had stayed here, this might not have happened, but maybe you’d have gotten in a car wreck and died.” She shrugged. “It does no good to play with what-ifs.”
“Well said,” Auriele told her. “‘Play the hand you have,’ my papa liked to say.”
I left them to their conversation and trotted up the stairs, where I could hear a movie running quietly. Darryl sat on one side of the couch nearest to the TV and Jesse on the other.
I sat down in the middle. “So,” I said to Darryl, “do you think Korra is going to be as good an avatar as Aang?”