Does that count?
Does it matter if I myself wasn't human when I did it? If I shape-shifted into a hawk, then was it one hawk killing another, and does it make it less bad?
Goddess, I don't know. Maybe I am on the dark side now. I don't want to be. I want to work for goodness. Do I get to try again? Goddess, I need answers. I'm only seventeen.
"Free!" Tess cried, throwing her arms in the air. Moira, sitting on the school steps, closed her mother's Book of Shadows and smiled.
"Mondays are always so long," she said as students from their school streamed past them. She kept a watch out for Ian-they'd had barely any time to talk today between classes.
"Is your mom still freaked about Saturday?" Vita asked in a low voice. "My folks were uptight all yesterday. It was the worst thing I've ever seen."
"Me too," Moira said. "Yeah, Mum seems really rattled. She hates to let me out of her sight. Yesterday I met Ian in town, but I'd told Mum where I was and all."
"Iiiiaaaannn," Tess sang under her breath. "Did you tell him about the black smoke?"
"No." Moira shrugged. She still couldn't shake the uneasiness she'd felt since scrying with him.
"How are things going with him, then?" Tess asked.
"Good," Moira said, nodding. She saw Tess and Vita look at each other. "What?"
"What's wrong?" Vita asked. "You're all distracted. Like you're not really here."
That got Moira's attention. "I'm sorry." She leaned closer so only they could hear her. "Actually, I'm totally weirded out about my mum."
Tess and Vita looked at her questioningly.
Moira hesitated. But if she couldn't tell her two best friends, who could she tell? "My mum shape-shifted," she breathed. "Into a hawk." Her friends' eyes went wide.
"No," Tess whispered. Vita's mouth was open in shock.
Moira nodded solemnly. "Mum told me yesterday, and then I found it in her second Book of Shadows. These books have been something else," she said softly. "It's a whole different picture of my mum. Like she had a completely different life that I didn't know anything about. It's kind of mad."
"Do you know what happened?" Vita asked.
"Not completely," said Moira. "I mean, she told me about it, and I was like, oh, Goddess. But then I read that bit in her second Book of Shadows this morning and again just now. And for some reason, reading about it got to me in a way her telling me about it didn't. Like it was more real. But I've been freaked out about it all day."
"Don't blame you," said Tess, looking worried. "I don't know what I'd do if I found out something like that. I mean, shape-shifted! That's some wicked magick."
Moira nodded, her tension feeling like a knot in her chest.
"Did you mention it to your mum?" Vita asked.
"No. Not yet. But we've been having big talks." Moira sighed. "About her. Her past. I mean, it's good and all, but…"
"Come on over and get it off your chest," Vita offered. "My folks are at work still, and Seanie won't bother us." Seanie was Vita's twelve-year-old brother.
"Moira?"
Ian. Moira turned and there he was, standing on the step above her. He gave her a slight smile, as if unsure how she would be today. Last night he'd insisted on walking with her all the way to her house in the rain because he hadn't wanted her to have to walk by herself. They'd held hands, and he'd kissed her again, in the road, right before the light from Moira's house had hit them. All day they'd been exchanging glances between classes and during math, the one class they shared.
"Hi," she said, feeling shy in front of her friends.
"I'll come, then, Vi," Tess said, straightening up and acting normal. "Moira, you want to come, or maybe another time?"
Tess was giving her an easy out. Moira glanced at Ian, at the expression in his eyes, and she nodded gratefully at her friends.
"Another time?"
"Sure." Tess and Vita waved good-bye. For a moment Moira wanted to change her mind and run after them. It had been such a relief to confide in them, and she wanted to talk about it more. On the other hand, this was Ian.
"Are you all right?" he asked after the two girls had left.
"Yes. You?" Could he see all the emotion in her eyes?
"All right. I'm amazed we didn't catch our death of cold," he said, trying for a light tone.
"Must be all that Echinacea and goldenseal Mum pumps into me," Moira said, and Ian grinned. There. Now he looked like himself.
"Want to go sit in the park for a while?" he asked, and she nodded happily. The doubts were still there, but somehow being with Ian made everything else feel all right.
"What does that look like?" Ian asked.
Moira tilted her head and squinted at the pile of leaves on the ground. "Nothing. A fat mouse?"
Ian grinned at her. They were sitting side by side on a bench in the tiny park two blocks from school. The wind was picking up, and it was getting chillier as the sun started to think about going down. But Moira wasn't going to be the first to move- not when Ian had his arm around her and they were alone. Not even her mum's worrying could budge her. Moira sent her a quick witch message letting her know where she was.
"Cair a beth na mill nath ra," Ian sang very softly under his breath. He chanted more words so quietly that Moira couldn't hear them.
The leaves on the ground shifted and overlapped and rearranged, separating and drawing together. Soon they had formed the initials MB, there on the brick walk.
Moira grinned with delight. "Next thing you know, you'll be doing it with ladybugs," she said, and Ian laughed.
The wind scattered her initials, and she leaned closer to him, feeling cozy.
"No, not ladybugs," he said, still smiling. "But maybe something a little bigger." He began to murmur some words, and Moira thought she recognized their form as being a weather- working spell. She raised her eyebrows. Weather working was considered taboo unless you had a very good reason. Of course, so was turning pages in people's books without their permission and writing one's initials in ladybugs… but it wasn't as if any of it actually hurt anyone.
"Oh my gosh…," Moira breathed, staring at the sky. Almost imperceptibly, Ian was sculpting the clouds above and had gently morphed them into a huge, puffy M and a huge, puffy B. She laughed, but he wasn't finished, and soon a large plus sign floated next to her B, followed by a capital I and a D. MB + ID.
Laughing, Moira gently smacked his knee with her hand. "Lovely-the world's largest graffiti." They smiled at each other, and then Moira said, "That's amazing-thank you. But maybe you shouldn't risk working weather magick."
"There's no risk in playing with clouds," Ian said reasonably. "I've always done it. It can be so cool." In the sky the letters were already wisping away. It had seemed harmless, Moira thought.
"You try it," Ian urged her. "You know how."
Moira hesitated for a second. Members of Belwicket-especially uninitiated ones-were not allowed to work weather charms. Belwicket has such a narrow view of things sometimes. Anyway, she probably wouldn't be able to do it-she wasn't initiated and had no practice.
"Right, then. Here goes," she said, closing her eyes and thinking about what she wanted to do. She thought about the clouds, their heavy grayness and the letters Ian had formed. Then she began to chant her coven's basic form of weather- working spells, adding in a ribbon of allowing the clouds to be whatever they wanted to be. She was proud of herself for remembering to weave in a time limitation and a place limitation. Instead of forcing the clouds into a picture she wanted, she would let them create one of their own, using their own essences. Frankly, she thought her idea was really cool.
Crack! Moira's eyes flew open as lightning bleached the world. Moments later a huge rumble of thunder shook their bench.