«We of Mars had the same difficulty,» it was saying. «Happily, we have been able to solve the problem by substituting robots for domesticated animals. Obviously, however, you have a different situation. Through the lack of suitable hands, or even tentacles, you have found it necessary to domesticate one of the lower orders which is so equipped.»
Flapjack brayed briefly and the loud-speaker said, «Naturally you wish to know the purpose of our visit. We wish your advice in solving a problem that is vital to us. Mars is a dying planet. Its water, its atmosphere, its mineral resources, are all practically exhausted. If we had been able to develop interstellar travel, we might seek an unoccupied planet somewhere in the galaxy. Unfortunately we have not; our ships will take us only to other planets in the solar system and only the discovery of an entirely new principle would enable us to reach the stars. We have not found even a clue to that principle.
«In the solar system, yours is the only planet—besides Mars—that can support Martian life. Mercury is too hot, Venus has no land surface and an atmosphere poisonous to us. The force of gravity of Jupiter would crush us and all of its moons are—like yours—airless. The outer planets are impossibly cold.
«So we are faced with the necessity, if we wish to survive, to move to Earth—peaceably if you submit; forcibly if we must use force. And we have weapons that can destroy the population of Earth within days.»
«Just a minute,» I yelled. «If you think for a minute that you can—»
The critter who had been aiming a flashlight at me lowered it at my knees and, as I started toward the one who’d been operating the speaker contraption, he pushed a button. My knees suddenly went rubber and I fell down. Also I shut up.
My legs just didn’t work at all. I had to use my arms to get to a sitting position so I could see what was going on.
Flapjack was braying.
«True,» the speaker said. «That would be the best solution for both of us. We do not wish to occupy—by force or otherwise—an already civilized planet. If you can really suggest another answer to our problem—»
Flapjack brayed.
«Thank you,» said the loud-speaker. «I am sure that will work out. Why we did not think of it ourselves I cannot imagine. We appreciate your assistance immeasurably; we offer you our heartfelt gratitude. We leave with good will in our hearts. We shall not return.»
My knees worked again and I got up. I didn’t go anywhere, though. My knees had been out of commission for a full minute and I was thinking that if that flashlight thing had been pointed higher and had stopped my heart working for a full minute I wouldn’t be worrying about my knees.
Flapjack brayed just once more, and not for long this time. The funny-looking critters began to take their contraption with the speaker apart and carry it a piece at a time back to the big ball they’d come in.
It and them were all back in the balloon that wasn’t a balloon in ten minutes, about, and the door in it closed. The bottom of it began to fire up again and I ran back to where my tent was and watched from there. And all of a sudden the contraption whooshed upward and disappeared almost straight up into the sky.
Flapjack came strolling over toward me, kind of avoiding my eyes, like.
«You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you?» I asked him.
He wouldn’t answer me.
But I guess he did think so. Later on that same day he stole my pancakes again.
And that’s the whole story, partner. That’s how Flapjack saved the world from the Martians. You want to know what he told ’em? Well, I’d like to know, too, but he won’t tell me. Hey, Flapjack, come over here. You had enough beer for tonight.
All right, partner, here he is. You ask him. Maybe he’ll tell you. Or maybe he won’t. Flapjack’s a caution, Flapjack is. But go ahead and ask him.
THE JOKE
The big man in the flashy green suit stuck his big hand across the cigar counter. «Jim Greeley,» he said. «Ace Novelty Company.» The cigar dealer took the offered hand and then jerked convulsively as something inside it buzzed painfully against his own palm.
The big man’s cheerful laughter boomed. «Our Joy Buzzer,» he said, turning over his hand to expose the little metal contraption in his palm. «Changes a shake to a shock; one of the best numbers we got. A dilly, ain’t it? Gimme four of those perfectos, the two-for-a-quarters. Thanks.»
He put a half-dollar on the counter and then, concealing a grin, lighted one of the cigars while the dealer tried vainly to pick up the coin. Then, laughing, the big man put another—and an ungimmicked—coin on the counter and pried up the first one with a tricky little knife on one end of his watch chain. He put it back in a special little box that went into his vest pocket. He said, «A new number—but a pretty good one. It’s a good laugh, and—well, ‘Anything for a Gag’ is Ace’s motto and me, I’m Ace’s salesman.»
The cigar dealer said, «I couldn’t handle—»
«Not trying to sell you anything,» the big man said. «I just sell wholesale. But I get a kick out of showing off our merchandise. You ought to see some of it.»
He blew a ring of cigar smoke and strolled on past the cigar counter to the hotel desk. «Double with bath,» he told the clerk. «Got a reservation—Jim Greeley. Stuff’s being sent over from the station, and my wife’ll be here later.»
He took a fountain pen from his pocket, ignoring the one the clerk offered him, and signed the card. The ink was bright blue, but it was going to be a good joke on the clerk when, a little later, he tried to file that card and found it completely blank. And when he explained and wrote a new card it would be both a good laugh and good advertising for Ace Novelty.
«Leave the key in the box,» he said. «I won’t go up now. Where are the phones?»
He strolled to the row of phone booths to which the desk clerk directed him and dialed a number. A feminine voice answered.
«This is the police,» he said gruffly. «We’ve had reports that you’ve been renting rooms to crooked boarders. Or were those only false roomers?»
«Jim! Oh, I’m so glad you’re in town!»
«So’m I, sweetie. Is the coast clear, your husband away? Wait, don’t tell me; you wouldn’t have said what you just said if he’d been there, would you? What time does he get home?»
«Nine o’clock, Jim. You’ll pick me up before then? I’ll leave him a note I’m staying with my sister because she’s sick.»
«Swell, honey. What I hoped you’d say. Let’s see; it’s half-past five. I’ll be right around.»
«Not that soon, Jim. I’ve got things to do, and I’m not dressed. Make it—not before eight o’clock. Between then and half-past eight.»
«Okay, honey. Eight it is. That’ll give us time for a big evening, and I’ve already registered double.»
«How’d you know I’d be able to get away?»
The big man laughed. «Then I’d have called one of the others in my little black book. Now don’t get mad; I was only kidding. I’m calling from the hotel, but I haven’t actually registered yet; I was only kidding. One thing I like about you, Marie, you got a sense of humor; you can take it. Anybody I like’s got to have a sense of humor like I have.»
«Anybody you like?»
«And anybody I love. To pieces. What’s your husband like, Marie? Has he got a sense of humor?»
«A little. A crazy kind of one; not like yours. Got any new numbers in your line?»