«I don't understand. Anton is behaving very strangely. Sometimes he seems to be madly in love with me. And sometimes it's as if I'm just one of hundreds of Others that he knows. A comrade in arms.»
«A destiny node,» I said briefly.
«What?»
«You haven't studied that yet, Sveta.»
«Explain it to me, then!»
«You know,» I said, driving the car faster and faster—that must have been the body's motor reflexes kicking in—«you know, when he came to your place that first time…«
«I know that I was influenced. He told me,» Svetlana interrupted.
«That's not the point. The suggestion was removed when you were told the truth. But when you learn to see destiny—and you'll learn to see it a lot more clearly than I do—then you'll understand.»
«They told us that destiny is variable.»
«Destiny is polyvariable. But when he came to see you, Anton knew that if he succeeded in his assignment, he would fall in love with you.»
Svetlana didn't answer that. I thought I saw her cheeks color slightly, but maybe that was just the wind in the open car.
«And what difference does that make?»
«Do you know what it's like to be condemned to love?»
«But isn't it always like that?» Svetlana asked, trembling with indignation. «When people love each other, when they find each other out of thousands and millions of people. It's always destiny!»
Once again I sensed that infinitely naive girl in her, the girl who couldn't hate anything except herself. The girl who was already beginning to disappear.
«No, Sveta, haven't you ever heard love compared to a flower?»
«Yes.»
»A flower can be grown, Sveta . But it can be bought too, or given as a gift.»
«Did Anton buy it?»
«No,» I said, a bit too sharply. «It was a gift. From destiny.»
«What difference does that make? If it is love?»
«Sveta, cut flowers are beautiful, but they don't live for long. They're already dying, even the ones that are carefully placed in a crystal vase and given fresh water.»
«He's afraid of loving me,» Svetlana said thoughtfully. «Isn't he? I wasn't afraid, because I didn't know all this.»
I drove up to the building, weaving between the parked cars, mostly Zhigulis and Moskviches. This wasn't a prestigious district.
«Why did I tell you all that?» asked Svetlana. «Why did I make you answer? Just because you're four hundred forty-three years old?»
I shuddered when I heard that number. Yes, a real wealth of experience. An immense wealth. Next year Olga would be celebrating a very magical kind of birthday.
I'd like to believe my body would still be in such beautiful physical condition, even at a quarter of that age.
I left the car without putting on the alarm. No human being would ever think of trying to steal it in any case: The protective spells provide greater security than any alarm system. Svetlana and I walked briskly up the steps without speaking and went into her apartment.
Things had changed a bit, of course. Svetlana had left her job, but her study grant and the initial allowance paid to every Other when they are initiated came to far more than her modest earnings as a doctor. She had a new TV; what I couldn't understand was when she found the time to watch it. It was a flashy widescreen model, too big for her apartment. I found this sudden yen for the good life amusing. It's something everyone goes through at the beginning—probably a defensive reaction. When your world crumbles around you, when the old fears and anxieties disappear and new ones, still vague and unfamiliar, take their place, everyone starts acting out some of the dreams from their former life that seemed so unreal only recently. Some go on a spree in restaurants, some buy an expensive car, some buy themselves haute-couture outfits. It doesn't last for long, and not just because working in the Watch won't make you a millionaire. The very needs that seemed so compelling only yesterday begin to fade away, disappearing into the past. Forever.
«Olga?»
Svetlana looked into my eyes.
I sighed, gathering my strength.
«I couldn't tell you earlier. We can only talk here. Your apartment is protected against observation by the Dark Ones.»
I could see that Svetlana already suspected the truth.
«This is only Olga's body,» I said.
«Anton?»
I nodded.
The two of us must have looked really absurd!
It was a good thing Svetlana was already used to absurdity.
She believed me straight away.
«You bastard!»
Spoken in a tone that would have suited the aristocratic Olga. And the slap to my face came from the same opera libretto.
It didn't hurt, but it upset me.
«What's that for?» I asked.
«For eavesdropping on other peoples' conversations!» Svetlana snapped.
It wasn't a very precise way of putting it, but I got the idea. When Svetlana raised her other hand, I ignored the Christian teaching and dodged the second slap.
«Sveta, I promised to take care of this body!»
«I didn't!»
Svetlana breathed heavily, biting her lip. Her eyes were blazing. I'd never seen her in such a fury, never even suspected it was possible. Just what was it that had made her so furious?
«So, you're afraid to love cut flowers?» said Svetlana, slowly advancing on me. «That's your problem, is it?»
I got the idea. But it took a moment or two.
«Get out of here! Get out!»
I backed away until I ran into the door. But the moment I stopped, Svetlana stopped too. She jerked her head to one side and yelled:
«Stay in that body! It suits you better; you're not a man, you're a spineless wimp!»
I didn't answer. I didn't say a word, because I could already see the way things would go. I could see the lines of probability stretching out ahead of us, see destiny derisively weaving its pathways together.
And when Svetlana burst into tears, instantly robbed of all her fighting spirit, and lowered her face into her hands, when I put my arm around her shoulders and she sobbed in relief on my shoulder, I felt cold and empty inside. The cold was piercing, as if I were back standing on a snow-covered roof in a blustery winter wind.
Svetlana was still human. There wasn't enough of the Other in her yet; she didn't understand, she couldn't see the road leading off into the distance, the road we were destined to follow. And so she couldn't see how that road divided in two, running off in different directions.
Love is happiness, but only when you believe it will last forever. Even though every time it turns out to be a lie, it's only faith that gives love its strength and its joy.
Svetlana was sobbing on my shoulder.
Great knowledge brings great sorrow. How I wished I didn't know the inevitable future! I wished I didn't know it, and I just could love her without thinking twice about it, like an ordinary, mortal human being.
And what a pity it was that I wasn't in my own body.
To any outsider it might have looked like two women who were close friends had decided to spend a quiet evening in front of the TV with tea with jam. Drinking a bottle of dry wine and chatting about those three eternal subjects: All men are bastards, I've nothing to wear, and the most important of all—how to lose weight.
«You really like bread rolls, don't you?» Svetlana asked in surprise.
«Yes. With butter and jam,» I replied morosely.
«I thought someone promised to take care of that body?»
«I'm not doing it any harm! Believe me, it's having a really great time.»
«Well now,» Svetlana said vaguely, «you ask Olga afterward how she takes care of her figure.»