龟孙子 guī sūnzi (gway swen dz)
Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “turtle’s grandson.” Another variation on wángbādàn used only in southern China.
Dog-related swears and insults
狗崽子 / 狗仔子 gǒuzǎizi (go dzigh dzz)
Son of a bitch (although a bit milder than the English). Literally “son of a dog.”
狗娘养的 gǒu niáng yǎng de (go nyahng yahng duh)
Son of a bitch (rude-more so than the previous entry). Literally, can mean “raised by a dog mother” or “born of a dog mother.”
狗日的 gǒurìde (go rih duh)
Son of a bitch (rude). Literally, can mean “fucked by a dog” or “born of a mother fucked by a dog.”
狗杂种 gǒu zázhǒng (go dzah dzohng)
Literally “mongrel dog,” a variation on 杂种 zázhǒng (dzah dzohng), another insult meaning “mixed blood.” Extremely rude.
Shit
屎 shǐ (shih)
Shit (noun), like shit (adverb), shitty (adjective). You would use this to describe things. For example, you might say 太屎了 tài shǐ le (tie shih luh), literally “too shitty,” to say that something was shitty or bad. Sometimes written “ 10” online because both are pronounced shih.
狗屎 gǒushǐ (go shih)
Bullshit. Literally “dog shit.” This term was originally used to describe people of low moral character. This new usage is probably due to Western influence-it started out in Hong Kong and Taiwan, where “Oh shit!” in Hollywood movies was often subtitled gǒushǐ, and spread from there.
臭狗屎 chòu gǒushǐ (choe go shih)
Stronger form of above. Literally “smelly dog crap.”
屎盆子 shǐ pénzǐ (shih pen dz)
Shitty job, the blame for doing a shitty job. Literally “crap pot.” You might say, for example, that someone gave you the crap pot, meaning that they made you take the blame for a shitty job. Or you can describe something directly as a crap pot, meaning that it was done poorly.
吃屎 chī shǐ (chih shih)
Eat shit. Equivalent to “fuck off,” though much less profane.
粪 fèn (fen)
Feces (formal term). You wouldn’t say this alone as an adjective, like “shitty,” but one common Beijing expression is 臭大粪 chòu dà fèn (choe dah fen), literally “stinky big stool,” meaning that something is shitty or worthless.
大便 dàbiàn (dah byinn)
Excrement, poop, defecate (both noun and verb). Literally “big relieving of oneself”-urination, by the way, is 小便 xiǎobiàn (dah byinn), “small relieving of oneself.” Not an expletive, and thus does not have the same effect as “shit.” For the most part, this refers to the actual act of defecation and its product, but can be used mockingly, in a silly and unserious way, like calling someone a poop. Girls in particular use this teasingly.
去吃大便 qù chī dàbiàn (chee chih dah byinn)
Go eat excrement; go eat poop. Similar to saying “get lost.” Sounds mild and silly, so it’s mostly used by girls in a teasing way.
Writing
傻 X shǎchā (shah chah)
This is often used in written Chinese to stand in for a dirty word. Literally “stupid X.” X is pronounced chah in Chinese.
CHAPTER FOUR. Men and Women: Flirting, Dating, Love, and Marriage
It’s hard to be in China for long without noticing the prevalence of not terribly attractive Western men who seem to have inexplicably landed themselves a gorgeous Chinese girlfriend. Though I hesitate to offer any explanation for this phenomenon, I do find myself recalling an awful lot of conversations with Chinese gal-pals about their inability to tell westerners apart. I may or may not have told some of these women to be sure and introduce me to any prospective beaus before taking the plunge, so that I could distinguish for them the handsome men from the mugs that even a mother wouldn’t love.
Then again, maybe these women know exactly what they’ve gotten themselves into, as more than a few pragmatically minded Chinese women have counseled me on the importance of choosing someone “bald and fat”-the reasoning being that such mates will be less likely to cheat or leave you. And on top of all that, you never know what seemingly smoking hot girl is considered downright homely by Chinese beauty standards. I have pointed out plenty of what I thought to be beautiful women, only to have Chinese friends reply musingly, “Yes, it’s strange, my other Western friends think she’s hot too. We all think she looks like a peasant.”
But perhaps we should just be glad that cross-cultural blindness is enabling people everywhere to get laid. In this chapter, you’ll find all the vocabulary you need for flattering, cajoling, and hopefully landing a date-or more. But read with caution: dating in China is a whole new ball game. The essential thing to know is this: the woman wears the pants in the relationship. Though we certainly can’t stereotype every Chinese woman this way, should you as a Western male choose to embark upon a relationship with one, be prepared to pay for everything (possibly including her rent), call and text her ten times a day (being tied up in meetings at work all day is no excuse), secure her permission whenever you want to go out with the guys (it will not be granted), and always, always, carry her purse (no matter how shiny, pink, or Hello Kitty bedecked it may be). And should you Western women desire to learn the ways of Chinese dating, you’d better brush up on the art of 撒娇 sǎjiāo (sah jow)-a common, whiney way of acting that most westerners find maddening and Chinese presumably find cute-which essentially involves pouting a lot, speaking in the voice of a five-year-old, hitting your boyfriend a lot whilst calling him “so bad,” and, of course, making him carry your purse.
Finding Love
调情 tiáoqíng (tyow cheeng)
To flirt. Literally “throw feelings.”
挑逗 tiǎodòu (tyow doe)
To flirt. Literally “incite and tease.”
打情骂俏 dǎ qíng mà qiào (dah ching ma chyow)
A literary way to say “flirt” or “banter flirtatiously.” Literally “hit passionately, scold prettily” referring to the expression 打是亲骂是爱 dǎ shì qīn mà shì ài (dah shih cheen ma shih aye), which translates to something like “hitting is intimacy and yelling is love.”
吃豆腐 chī dòufu (chih doe foo)
Cop a feel. Literally “eat tofu.” When used between people of the same sex, it can mean “to bully,” either verbally or physically. Used mainly in southern China, Taiwan, and Hong Kong, though northerners generally know the phrase as well. Relatedly, “sell tofu,” 卖豆腐 mài dòufu (my doe foo), is a southern Chinese euphemism for prostitution.
泡妞 pàonīu (pow nyoo)
One of the most common slang terms for “hitting on,” “flirting with,” or “hooking up with” girls. Literally “soak a girl.”
钓凯子 diào kǎizi (dyow kigh dz)
To pick up men, to hit on a man. Literally “fish for men” or “fish for a boyfriend.” Originated in Taiwan and Hong Kong but known and used everywhere.
搭讪 dā shàn (dah shahn)
To chat someone up, to start up a conversation.
戏果戏孙 xì guǒ xì sūn (she gwuh she swen)
Beijing slang for “chasing girls and boys,” or for people who go to bars with the express intent of finding a guy or girl to hook up with. 果 Guǒ (gwuh) means “fruit” but is Beijing slang for “chicks” because with a Beijing accent it’s pronounced like 果儿 guǒr (gwerr). 戏果 Xì guǒ (she gwuh) literally means “play with chicks” or “trick girls” and is an old Beijing expression that means flirting with or hitting on girls. 戏孙 Xì sūn (she swen) literally means “trick boys” or “play with boys” and means hitting on or flirting with guys.