The boss was right. Elizabeth didn’t want a weekend warrior on crack lunging at her from a doorway. Jeanine’s mother was threatening to throw her out again.
— It’s your mother’s dementia…
— The AIDS, and she’s crazy to begin with. She gets high, and either she blames me — number one — for what’s going on her in life, or she sits and feels sorry for what she’s done to my life. She sits there and cries…
Jeanine glanced behind her nervously.
— I gotta do something besides sell drugs. I keep going to jail.
Jeanine’s gray-green eyes were lit by a thousand points of artificial light. She’d straightened her hair again. She couldn’t stop moving. Her gelled hair lay still as a grave on her head as she treaded sidewalk. Jeanine fast-talked Elizabeth. Fatboy strained on his leash.
— I don’t have my children, I don’t have anything. So when my mother dies — not that I have really anything, but when she dies I’ll have nothing. My sister and I are on and off the lease whenever her dementia sets in. I have to do something with my life, I have to go back to school. I gotta do something besides sell drugs…
Jeanine might sell drugs until she dropped. They both knew that. They talked about change. It was a version of the conversation she had with friends. Elizabeth was going to quit her job, stop doing something, love and work were everything, nothing, there were no men, no jobs, there was no sex, nothing to live or die for, and if there wasn’t anything, anyone, to want or support you, why bother, because it was hard to change, and most change was small change.
I might not make it back to this corner, Elizabeth thought as she left it.
Two African-American men fly to Africa for a vacation. They get off the plane and hear drumming. The drumming goes on night and day. They ask people, Why is there drumming all the time? People say, Drum stop, very bad, very bad. The drums continue, all the time, night and day. Then, one day, suddenly, the drums stop. The men ask everyone, What’s going on? What’s happening? Everyone says, It’s very bad, very bad. They keep asking, But why’s it bad? What’s so bad? Finally an old man says, Drums stop, bass solo.
The Dallas BBQ restaurant was Friday-night alive and air-conditioned to death. Video wall screens were a distraction when you had nothing to say. The room was loud, filled with echoes, like a public swimming pool, with people shouting for help from waiters, sound bouncing off the walls, an acoustical nightmare. Black and white people ate together and at separate tables. Barbecue and soul food integrated New York, nothing else, not clubs, not schools, not music.
— A whole chicken, one piece of corn bread, cole slaw, two baked potatoes.
— Is that all?
— Yeah.
— You got it.
The BBQ eaters, oblivious of other tables, of Elizabeth, were gulping beer from frosted mugs. Her eyes traveled from table to table of people out for a good time, the pursuit of a good time was pathetic. BBQ was a cheap good time.
People were weird eating, weird with their noses and mouths and dead cells jutting from ends of frantic fingers grasping at straws and chicken body parts, weird whether they chewed with their mouths open or shut.
Her eyes nearly finished circling the room, then she saw Vomithead, Vomithead’s son and daughter, and Vomithead’s mother.
They’re alive, she thought.
Elizabeth collided with herself, with an obstacle lodged in her. She fell back against the stiff chair. The quartet appeared not to see her. She waited for her number to be called. The floor could cave in and they could drop through a hole and never be found. A bomb could be planted by a white supremacist. It could explode right after Elizabeth left, blithely carrying away her whole chicken and cole slaw.
Vomithead’s betrayal couldn’t be undone or forgotten.
Elizabeth prepared her speech, rehearsed. She’d walk over, ignore the mother, who was beneath contempt, and the son and daughter, who were products of an otherwise unproductive woman, and glare at, but not into, her ex-friend’s familiar deceptive eyes and ask: Why aren’t you dead?
That wasn’t sufficient.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi play golf every week. One weekend they’re behind a golfing party that’s very slow. It’s holding up their game and they’re not having any fun. They go to the groundskeeper and say, What’s going on? The groundskeeper tells them it’s a party of blind golfers. The priest says, I’m so ashamed of myself, it’s part of the Church’s teaching to have patience. The pastor says, And I too preach tolerance every Sunday. The rabbi says, yes, I do too, but why can’t they play at night?
Her order arrived, her number was called. Maybe it wasn’t Vomithead. Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to recognize her anyway. She hadn’t recognized her when she knew her. Vomithead could’ve shifted into another set of chickenshit body parts. Elizabeth didn’t glance her way again.
If she thought about someone enough, that person appeared on the next block, like a horror movie.
BBQ was tainted now. Another place was spoiled. Miscreants from yesterday slimed into today. Spoilers were everywhere, thriving on their own misery, making other people miserable. Some of them, like Vomithead, had children to make miserable.
The older you grew, if you grew older, the more people you didn’t say hello to, the more people you avoided. The living dead cluttered the route. Men she’d fucked years ago walked into crummy coffee shops and sat down next to her. Friends she’d once trusted were specters who entered bitterly into neutral corridors and destroyed the spirit in them. It wasn’t hard to make friends, it was easy. Friends don’t sign contracts. It’s why friendships weren’t taken seriously and marriage was. Life is littered with broken friendships.
Elizabeth took the long way home and avoided the corner. An elderly white man was behind her, muttering to himself.
— Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them.
Elizabeth slowed down. He came closer.
— Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them, Hitler was right.
The elderly white man was shabby and unshaved. He wheeled around in circles and searched the street for evidence of his enemies.
— Fuck them, fuck them, Hitler was right.
Elizabeth slowed down even more. She was next to him. He stopped talking out loud. He’d violated her mental space, she mentally engaged him in conversation.
Why don’t you join a militia so you can go kill some blacks and Jews and take over the government?
He probably believed in God.
You really think Hitler would save you?
Militias were worse than the junkies in her vestibule. Junkies weren’t sanctimonious. They knew they were worthless assholes.
Elizabeth guarded her life. She frowned and set her mouth into an angry trap, then kept her trap shut.
In Memoriam. Life’s stupid and the same as when you left. Tell me what death’s like. Light and tunnel? Bridge and tunnel here. Miss you.
What’s the difference between meat and chicken?
If you beat your chicken, it dies.
Hector wasn’t in front of the building. Gone. probably setting a fire in the basement.
On the stairs near her apartment, she was blocked by a drunk hulk. Probably one of the people who camped at Ernest’s door.
…sad-looking woman descending with her bedding late last night…strange man outside my door coughing…feel like I’m a denizen of Devil’s Island.