She had felt she was fulfilling her destiny, yet deep down what she wanted was to go back home. But she never did it; so perhaps she both wanted to and didn’t want to. Although she would have liked it to be different, the truth was that she missed her father too much and every day she told herself the same thing, today I won’t go back, but tomorrow I will, this week I can’t, but next week I’m out, I can’t take it anymore, I’ll stay for the summer, but by fall I’ll be there, back with my people. And so time passed, and she continued to postpone her return, month after month, year after year. When her father died, a return was no longer possible for her. She had always been able to return to her mother and sister, and in fact often did, but the reunion with her father remained pending. To return for his burial would have been dreadful, that wasn’t the kind of return that she had wanted, she would not have been able to get through it.
“I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told you,” she said. “It’s about my father, a little story about Papaíto. It’s about a present that he sent to me in Madrid a few days before he died. It was a dress that he must have sewn himself at his tailor shop, death looking over his shoulder, although he must not have suspected that, because he was relatively young and the heart attack hit him without warning.
“I never got that parting gift of his. The news of his death arrived first and I took off for Argentina. Months later, I found out through the comrades in Madrid that it had arrived, but I never saw it. I never knew what color it was, or if it came with a letter, or what that letter said. And do you know how much that dress eats at me, Mateo? For years that memory has been seared in me, and it still hurts to think about it.”
9
THE INCIDENT WITH the pork loin with pineapple had been a replay of a much earlier one, with mango. The same story repeating itself. Mateo must have been eight or nine years old and Lorenza wanted him to eat a mango, whether he wanted to or not. There were things that his mother did not understand: for one that his problem wasn’t with fruits and vegetables but with Lorenza herself, especially when she tried to force him to eat fruits and vegetables. He considered himself a tolerant person. If she wanted to eat mangoes, many mangoes, a dozen mangoes, then so be it, he wasn’t going to stop her. She could eat a carrot if she felt like it, or a tomato, or spinach, or bite into a raw onion for all he cared. He was a tolerant person. As opposed to Lorenza, who was obsessed with putting whatever atrocious thing that came out of the earth, or the sea, in his mouth. She tried to stuff him with mollusks and squids and other things with claws and spines, animals that God created to live secretly in the depths of the sea, where whatever they might do, they were out of sight. In the great darkness of the ocean is where they belonged, not in his stomach. But she insisted that they would nourish him and make him stronger, and for the life of her, swore they were delicious. Just taste them, she pronounced in a false and honeyed tone. She was a sadist with food. She knew that Mateo would not want to taste anything that came from her plate, or even her fork, but she never relented. You don’t know what you’re missing, she said, lustily putting a bite into her mouth. When he heard her saying have a taste, Mateo, or worse, have a taste, my child, his tolerance plunged to nearly zero. First of all, he wasn’t a child, damn it, so when was she going to stop calling him that? And he felt like retching and spitting as if he were possessed. But she persisted, her tolerance reserved only for her political views. She always pronounced that word in an affected tone, like, “The government should be tolerant of the opposition.” Couldn’t she understand that tolerance also meant not becoming hysterical because Mateo was repulsed by some green tuber or some rotten cheese? It’s a French cheese, she would say, as if that would win him over. And it’s delicious, a word that soon became hateful to him because she so often repeated it while brandishing a fork. Was he exaggerating? No, it wasn’t an exaggeration, the scenes were grotesque, but Lorenza was wholly unaware, she could not look at herself objectively, making those endless speeches and creating such a circus around their meals. From the time he was very young, Mateo closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and chewed. Sometimes he cried and regurgitated a bit, but without opening his mouth so she would not get mad, and then he swallowed that sour filth. Three more little bites, she then said sweetly. But he was older now and he could not stand her “it’s delicious” looks anymore; he wanted to slug her in the face. Of course he wouldn’t do that. He would never hit Lorenza, but it would be good for her to know that sometimes he wanted to.
Many times before, he had given in and accepted anything just so that she’d remain calm and happy. And she had taken full advantage of this, like the time with the mango. She proclaimed that a mango was joy itself, the passion of the tropics, the fruit of paradise, or something in that vein. But Mateo did not open his mouth, not even when she speared his lips with the end of the fork. It’s true, she had tried to spear his mouth open, but not even then did he open his mouth, he was not going to have a second bite, not on his life, or hers. He had spit out the first one as soon as he felt the uneven and fibrous texture of that repulsive bright-orange fruit inside his mouth, something not uniform and which therefore could not be trusted. Lorenza warned him, if you don’t have some fiber, your stomach will suffer. And he wanted to scream back, what’s making my stomach suffer is that poison you’re trying to stuff into me. But they had each gone too far to go back, it was life or death now, mango or catastrophe. Zero tolerance, Mateo sought refuge under the table, feeling that his mother would rather see him dead — choking with a piece of mango lodged in his throat — than accept defeat. Lorenza got down on all fours, closing in on him with a fork in her hand, like a demon with its trident, making him feel like an idiot for not eating a mango — especially since later, at school, he found that almost no kids like mango, so that when it came down to it, he wasn’t that unusual.
The weird thing was that she would lose control of herself in such a fashion, how her brain would shut down when she grew angry, so she couldn’t think straight. Guadalupe had saved him that time with the mango. She had walked in on the scene and screamed, “Both of you, stop.” And her admonition had its effect. In their household, Guadalupe was the head of the sensible and communicative faction and Lorenza of the delirious faction, and more than once Guadalupe had saved him from Lorenza. There were many times when Mateo liked his mother’s nature, that frenzied manner in which she accomplished things. But when she overdid it, it was a nightmare, and for the most part, she overdid it with him. As far as he was concerned, her best side came out when she sat down to write because she’d remain still for hours, forgetting that he had to eat right. Mateo took advantage of those lulls to eat spaghetti and drink milk, spaghetti and milk. And since he was at peace, he’d sneak into the kitchen and perhaps taste a grape, without her knowing, of course. Because if she were ever to find out, she would be so thrilled that she would want to celebrate the eaten grape and then begin an educative campaign, buying grapes by the bunches, forcing the issue until Mateo realized that they were delicious and ate them one after another.
He enjoyed the time when she was writing because he knew he wouldn’t have to go chasing after her if she decided to travel on a whim, make sudden decisions, or take up new political causes and leave everything else to go to hell, for the sole reason that she was Lolé and Lolé did whatever the fuck she wanted. Hadn’t Mateo noticed the murderous fury in her eyes when he refused to eat something? Now that he was tall and robust, no one could force him to do anything, and even if he didn’t lift a finger against her, she glared at him as if he were a monstrous abuser of mothers.