He couldn’t give in to this attraction. He couldn’t give her the chance to tear his heart out as Elizabeth had. He couldn’t go through that pain again — as bad as it was with his first wife, he knew instinctively that it would be unbearable with Gillian. Elizabeth’s betrayal had crushed his heart; Gillian’s betrayal would destroy him completely.
“Noble?” She placed a hand on his chest where his heart still beat wildly. “Have I done something to displease you?”
She sounded hurt and confused at the same time. Noble gritted his teeth against the urge to pull her to him and murmur words of reassurance, to bury his head in her sweetly scented neck, to hold her until the cold, dark thing that roiled inside him was banished by her light, but he held back. He could not give her what she wanted. He could not allow himself to be vulnerable again.
A burning pain pierced his chest, searing through ice and tissue and bone with unerring accuracy straight to his heart. He reached up to rub the spot and felt the wetness of a single tear. Guilt washed over him, making his breath catch as he roughly pulled her into his arms, tucking her head beneath his chin, knowing he was damned but aware there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “Hush, sweetheart. Go to sleep. You haven’t done anything to displease me.”
She murmured something against his throat, but he couldn’t hear it over the blood pounding loudly in his ears.
Gillian felt his body tense, then slowly relax as she lay in his arms, her lips pressed against a pulse point on his neck. His inner demons had returned with a vengeance, driving him away from her again. It was the intimacy of their lovemaking that brought them out, she knew — such overwhelming oneness, such an expression of love no doubt forced to the surface all the pain he still felt over the death of his first wife. Gillian listened to his pounding heart slow and settle into a strong, steady beat as she considered a future that suddenly seemed bleak and endless. How was she to combat a ghost that Noble would not admit existed? How could she make him love her when it was obvious he still mourned his beloved first wife? She wondered for the thousandth time what had happened the night Elizabeth died, and why Noble was blamed for her death. How could any man who still grieved so be thought a cold, heartless murderer?
The only way to rid their marriage bed of the specter of Elizabeth was to lay her spirit to rest. Noble snored softly above her, then grunted and rolled to his side, taking her with him. He pulled her back against his chest, spooned his legs up behind hers, and draped a heavy arm over her waist. Gillian smiled drowsily to herself as she let his warmth wrap around her. She would see to it that Elizabeth’s ghost no longer haunted their marriage. The faint outline of a plan formed in the hazy, sleep-muddled corners of her mind. She would take a leaf from Charlotte’s beloved novels and investigate both Elizabeth’s untimely death and the mystery of who wanted harm to befall Noble. Once she knew the truth, she could help Noble overcome his fears and teach him to open his heart again. She snuggled back against his warm chest and gave herself up to sleep. Tomorrow she would begin her investigations. Tomorrow she would see that their life was one of order and serenity.
“I won’t have my orders defied, wife. You would have us live in the most disordered, disorganized, turbulent lifestyle, and I won’t have it! We will have order and structure in our lives. You will obey my dictates.”
“I’m not defying them, husband, I’m asking you to reconsider.”
Noble pointed the knife he had been using to spread marmalade on a piece of toast at the two dogs sitting at his side, their dark eyes hopeful as cascades of saliva issued from their flews.
“You ask too much, Gillian. Charles! Make yourself useful and escort these dogs outside to the stable. Piddle is puddling on the carpet.”
“That’s Erp who is drooling so. Piddle is the one tending to his personal equipment. Truly Noble, if you would just see that my presence here—”
“At least they are no longer offensive by other means,” he sniffed, giving the hounds a black look as they followed after the footman before turning back to his wife. Gillian felt her stomach wrap into knots around her breakfast. It was for his own good. Someday he would go down on his knees before her and thank her for her intervention. She just had to be strong until that time. She straightened her shoulders and looked him firmly in his lovely silver eyes.
“If you send me back, I shall simply return.”
His eyes darkened as a muscle twitched in his jaw. It was odd she had never noticed twitching muscles on him before. “Do you threaten me, madam?”
Her words had to be considered carefully, lest he feel she was challenging him. Men, she had found, hated to be challenged. “No, I do not threaten you. I am asking you, Noble, to reconsider. We have been married but three days, and I simply do not wish to be separated from you.”
His frown deepened. She ignored the presence of the remaining footman standing at attention behind her and placed her hand over his. “If you send me back, I will miss you.”
Noble recoiled as if she had struck him. He waved the footman out before, eyes narrowed, he confronted her. “Again you threaten me! What steps would you take to end your loneliness? Would you seek comfort in the arms of another?”
Gillian felt as if she were the one who had been struck. “Threaten you? Noble, I’m not threatening you, ’tis the truth I’m not. I can’t believe you would think I am so faithless that I would seek the attentions of another man.”
Noble’s jaw tightened at her words.
“Do you believe it is possible for me to engage in those…in the wonderful and thrilling things we did last night with someone else? How can you imagine that I would want to? Do you not value my lo—” She caught herself before she let the word slip out. He wasn’t ready to hear about that yet, that was quite evident.
“Do I not value what, madam?” Really, if those brows arched any higher, they’d fly off his face.
“Do you not value my…my…longings for your touch?” Yes, that was good. Longings. It would make him feel that she was pining for him. That she was, was neither here nor there.
“Er…yes, of course, but that is not what I—”
“Indeed, I was not threatening you, my lord. As for the other—’tis the truth I would be lonely, but I would never seek the arms of another man. I wish only to be with my husband.”
She hoped he hadn’t heard the tremble in her voice as she spoke. The urge to throw herself on him and smother him with kisses until she eased the pain evident in his eyes was almost overwhelming. Although admittedly such an inclination was tempered with a healthy dose of self-pity. She hurt too. The fact that he loved Elizabeth so deeply that he could not welcome her into his life pierced her deeply, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that he needed a bit of time before he would realize just what a lucky man he was to have married her. She’d be patient. A week or two ought to be enough to bring him around.
“I doubt that a week or two will be sufficient for anything concerning you, my dear, but I am not an unreasonable man. You may stay for a fortnight,” he said grudgingly, reclaiming his hand and turning his attention to his breakfast. “The Season will be over by then, and at that time you will return to Nethercote.”
She blushed over her Unfortunate Habit but had other things to worry about than her tendency to speak every thought. It was on her lips to ask about his plans in a fortnight, but she bit the words back and muttered a soft statement of appreciation instead.
“About last night, Noble…”