CHAPTER VIII
FOR a long moment there was silence, except for the sound of dance-music coming faintly from the ballroom beyond.
Then Simon spoke at last.
‘Well’-his voice sounded slightly defiant-’have you nothing at all to say to me?’
He stared down at her as she lay perfectly still now in his arms, her eyes half closed and her cheeks very pale.
She raised her heavy lashes then.
‘What do you expect me to say, Simon?’
He gave a half-vexed little laugh.
‘Reproaches of some sort, I suppose,’ he admitted. ‘At any rate at first.’
‘Yes. I shouldn’t think it feels specially nice to know you’ve been so brutal and-beastly.’
‘I’m sorry, my darling.’ He spoke eagerly now, and tenderly. Lifting her very gently, he put her back on the settee, piling the cushions behind her and making her comfortable.
‘See-I won’t even touch your hand. I know, I always frighten you a little, don’t I? I forget that you’re so young and gentle and unawakened. But I’ll remember now, Alison. I’ll never frighten you like that again Only I had to make you listen to me. You must listen to me now.’
She made a gesture of protest.
‘Haven’t you said more than enough already?’
‘No. Because I’ve only said the things that frighten and revolt you. I’ve made you think I can’t be anything but passionate and violent, And it isn’t true, Alison dear. There’s tenderness for you too, and warmth and gentleness.’
She saw that he was pale with the intensity of his own feelings, and for a moment she felt almost sorry for him. There was something strangely moving in the sight of such burning, suppressed emotion in anyone who was usually so cool.
‘I’m sorry, Simon,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m really sorry if you feel so deeply about me, but it isn’t the slightest good. No, wait’-as he made a quick movement to interrupt her. ‘You must understand that it’s Julian I love, and you must please remember that I am Julian’s wife. Do you think it’s quite-decent of you to be making violent love to me now, whatever the circumstances?’
‘And do you think I care a damn about the decencies?’ He spoke in a low, rapid voice. ‘I love you, I tell you. I never guessed that anything could be like this-this welter of pain and rapture. I’ve taken everything so lightly before -gambled on every chance and not cared much if I won or lost. But now I can’t do that. I’ve stumbled on something quite different. It matters too much-and it hurts too much -for me to dare to take any chances. I want to be sure of it. For the first time in my life, I want security and reassurance about something. It’s odd, Alison, but for the first time in my life I think I’m afraid.’
‘Poor Simon. I’m so sorry.’ She put out her hand and just touched his arm.
He bent his head quickly at that and kissed her hand, but very gently this time.
‘I wish I hadn’t got to hurt you,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Life seems. to be made up of hurting and being hurt nowadays. But if I love Julian it-it’s no kindness for me to pretend anything else, is it?’
‘There’s such a thing as bowing to the inevitable-and beginning again.’ He sat there with his head a little bent, not quite daring, perhaps, to meet her eyes. ‘I don’t want to recite unwelcome truths again, but it is Rosalie that Julian wants. If you let the-obvious happen between those two, you would end what can’t be anything but pain and humiliation for you. And you would be free-to begin again.’
‘Simon, look at me.’
Alison spoke sharply, and like someone much older than her years. A little reluctantly he raised his eyes and met hers.
‘What you are really suggesting-if you strip off the high-sounding words-is that I should try to force on an affair between Rosalie and Julian, so that I can get rid of him and marry you. Is that it?’
Simon moved restlessly.
‘I don’t care how it’s done,’ he said roughly, ‘so long as you’re mine and not Julian’s.’
‘And I don’t care what sort of a fool you think I am to stay with Julian. I will not have Rosalie ruin his life for him now,’ Alison retorted angrily.
‘Well then, for God’s sake leave Rosalie out of it, and come down to the bare fact that I want you, and Julian doesn’t. Come away with me. I’ll make you love me, make you happy. And in the end Julian will be more relieved than anything else to find himself free again.’
‘I think we’ve said enough on the subject,’ Alison said coldly, and, sick and trembling though she was, she got to her feet with determination. ‘Please don’t suggest any more variations on this-theme of elopements and affaires. They don’t happen to interest me.’
He made an impatient movement.
‘You can’t dismiss it like that. This can’t be your last word about it.’
‘No?’ She turned suddenly and looked him full in the eyes. ‘I’ve nothing else to say to you, Simon, except to repeat your own excellent advice. There is such a thing as bowing to the inevitable. I suggest you apply that to yourself.’
He threw back his head with an angry, defiant laugh.
‘I’ve never even recognised the inevitable yet, much less bowed to it,’ he told her. ‘I’ll wait. I can afford to, though God knows I hate doing it. And one day, quite soon, you’ll find that it is best for all of us-including Julian-that you should listen to me again.’
It was the last sentence which frightened her more than anything that had gone before. For it was Julian’s happiness that she had vowed to herself to protect. And now there was no knowing what sacrifice that promise might involve.
Her heart was very heavy as she turned away to the ballroom once more.
She saw Julian almost as soon as she came in. He was standing talking to an elderly man, and Rosalie was dancing again, with someone Alison did not know.
It touched her and comforted her slightly that Julian noticed her at once, made some excuse, and came over to claim her from Simon.
‘You look pale, Alison,’ he said, the moment they were alone together. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Oh, yes, thank you.’ She was a little surprised at his anxiety, until she remembered that he was probably reproaching himself for having vented his irritation on her.
She wanted to tell him that it was all right-that he needn’t bother about it: but, remembering the previous snub when she had read his thoughts too nearly, she was afraid to say anything.
When at last it was time to go, she could scarcely hide her relief. Perhaps Julian. noticed something of it because he glanced at her curiously, and then maintained a tactful silence on the way home.
‘Did you enjoy yourself?’ he asked, as they came into the white-panelled hall of the flat.
‘Yes, thank you,’ Alison said dutifully, but suddenly she shivered, quite irrepressibly, as she remembered that frightening scene with Simon.
‘What’s the matter?’ Julian said quickly.
‘Nothing.’
‘But you shivered just now. Why?’
‘I-I’m a bit cold, that’s all,’ she assured him hastily.
‘Cold? You’d better go straight to bed, Alison, and I’ll bring you a hot drink,’ he said.
‘Oh, no-really you needn’t. I’ll be all right,’ She spoke eagerly, but he seemed unimpressed.
‘Yes-I’d rather. Hurry up, and I’ll go and heat some milk.’
She thought of telling him that she didn’t like milk, anyway, but it seemed a little ungracious when he was obviously so anxious to do something for her. She would have to drink it somehow.
By the time he knocked at the door, she was in bed.
‘Come in,’ She sat up quickly, and rumpled up her hair with a nervous hand.
Julian came in. He was in his dressing-gown, and was carrying her glass of milk very carefully.
‘Thank you.’ Alison smiled as she took it, and thought absurdly that she loved him best of all like this-not quite so self-possessed as usual, and with an odd suggestion of anxiety to please.