He spoke softly. “By all means blame your mother for her cruelty to us both, but temper your anger with pity.”
Yeah, I thought. I can do pity nowadays. Hadn’t I felt pity for Moker? Christ, Moker! Even the cold-blooded killer wasn’t as he—she—seemed!
“She isn’t responsible for her mental problems. In her mind, I had left her. She hadn’t forced me to go. After that, she was always afraid of losing you too, and that’s why she turned your mind against me. But, of course, eventually you did leave her—you got married. And then you died. That has shattered her, she feels she has nothing left.”
“But Andrea and I didn’t want to cut her out of our lives, she made the choice herself.”
“For her, in her fragile mental state, it was the right choice to cut you out, or at least begin the process. I’m sorry to say this, but it was the right choice for you both. She would have tried to destroy your marriage.”
I gave a little shake of my head in frustration, then leaned back on the bench.
“You have to accept what she is, son. With acceptance comes forgiveness, and forgiveness is important to you right now.”
I didn’t follow up this last remark: my mind was still busy with other deceits.
“You know my wife was unfaithful to me throughout our marriage?”
He nodded. “It wasn’t entirely her fault. The other man was different to you and he has a power over her that is strong yet inexplicable. You’ll think it strange, but your wife loved you in her own way.”
“So that’s okay then.”
“You’ve every right to be bitter, but it’s a sentiment that’s of no use to anyone. All this anger of yours is only delaying your own progress.”
Again, I failed to follow up; in my mind there were only visions of Andrea and Oliver together, living happily with Primrose.
“Her lover—my best friend and working partner—is Prim’s father.” I gazed across the cemetery, unwilling to show him the full intensity of my fury—of my jealousy.
“To Primrose, you will always be her father. No matter if she learns the truth when she becomes older, she will still consider herself your daughter. Don’t underestimate the child’s devotion to you.”
“In time she’ll forget me.”
“With time her love will only be more assured. She’ll grieve for you now, just as your wife grieves for you, but eventually the hurt will pass for them, to be replaced by a memory that won’t ever be spoiled.”
“I just… I just don’t know whether I can believe you.”
“Then go back home and see them once more. Only once, mind you. You wouldn’t want to haunt your own family.” He smiled again, but it wasn’t catching. “If you stay with them, then their mourning will take longer to resolve itself. They won’t see you, but your presence will be there and they will sense something that they can’t understand. It will only make their pain harder to bear.”
“I don’t think I can do that,” I told him dejectedly. “I can’t just turn my back on them.”
“You must. Go back once and it might help you accept.”
“I don’t want to accept. I can’t accept!”
“Before long you’ll grow tired of your own melancholy. That’s when everything will change for you.”
“Okay. I still love Andrea and I’ll always love Primrose.”
“And that’s precisely what will help you overcome your bitterness. In your present state you’ll soon begin to experience pure love. Love without jealousy or passion, without partiality or bounds, an unselfish love, because it won’t be burdened by need. Anxieties will soon disappear.”
“I could never forgive Oliver for what he did to me.”
“No, but sooner or later you’ll accept it. I hope for your sake it will be sooner.”
“Forgive him?”
“Forgiveness follows acceptance.”
“You sound like a priest.”
He laughed aloud. “Where I come from we all do. It’s something we have to resist.” He became serious again. “You mentioned one other person who deceived you.”
“Sydney. Sydney Presswell. He was the agency’s business partner and accountant. Sydney did more than just deceive me though—he was the bastard that killed me.”
My father nodded as if he already knew.
“He also stole money from the company and engineered a takeover bid that I was against. Seems he’s been fiddling the books for years.” I breathed a resigned sigh. “I used to like him. Didn’t always agree with some of his methods and business proposals, but I always thought he was a stand-up guy. That’s the kind of idiot I am—was.”
“Gullible?”
I looked at him, about to object, then thought better of it. Wryly, I said, “Yeah, that’s about it. Sydney had been cheating on us for years, but Oliver and I, well we didn’t have a clue.”
“No wonder you feel nobody was ever true to you.”
“Paranoid? Doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.” An old joke that failed to raise a chuckle between us. “But you know what? I couldn’t care less about Sydney anymore. Weird, I know, because not only was he a crook, but he took my life away, too. I don’t feel hatred and I don’t feel forgiveness. I just feel kind of numb where he’s concerned.”
“That might be because he’s dead.”
“And I killed him. Retribution, I’d call it.”
“Is that how you feel—you’ve avenged yourself.”
I thought about it for a short while. “Well—no. Like I said, I don’t feel anything at all.”
“That’s good.”
“Is it? Doesn’t seem right to me. He turned out to be a complete sham, who even tried to get someone else blamed for my murder.”
“But you’ve accepted it.”
“I don’t know, I wouldn’t quite say that. Let me put it this way: the murder and the embezzlement are bothering me less and less with each day that passes.”
“You’re getting yourself ready.”
I looked at him sharply. “Ready for what?”
“Ready to leave this all behind you.”
It didn’t come as a shock. “So I really am dead? There’s no reprise, no coming back, not even as someone else?”
He shook his head, and he seemed pleased.
“You’ve lost your body.”
“Couldn’t I… couldn’t I find another one?”
“They’re all taken. You’d have to be born again to gain another and that would put you in a different time and place. You wouldn’t even remember this life.”
“I could live with that,” I assured him.
“I’m afraid the choice won’t be yours. There’s much more to learn on the other side, you see. Much more.”
“Oh.” I didn’t bother to hide my disappointment “So how do I get to this ‘other side’? I feel useless here.”
“You’re making progress all the time.”
“I am a ghost then.”
“Not quite. In your present form, you’re a transient spirit.”
“I thought that was the same thing.”
“No.”
“My body’s dead, so why do I have to hang about here?” I protested.
“You weren’t in your body when it died. Fortunately.”
“Fortunately? How so?”
“It enabled you to do something before leaving this world. Something important.”
“Kill the killer.”
“She was corrupted.”
“But her face—”
“Her soul was not deformed to begin with. Only her own resentment and wickedness changed that.”
“Where is she now? I saw her soul leave her body. I was kind of hoping she’d become extinct, you know, become nothing.”
“Not punished?”