“This is my ship, Mister and Owner Rod McBan to the hundred and fifty-first! An Earth ship. I pulled it out of orbit and grounded it with the permission of the Commonwealth. They don’t know you’re on it, yet. They can’t find out right now because my Humanoid-robot Brainwave Dephasing Device is on. Nobody can think in or out through that, and anybody who tries telepathy on this boat is going to get himself a headache here.”
“Why you?” said Rod. “What for?”
“In due time,” said the Lord Redlady. “Let me introduce you first. You know these people.” He waved at a group.
Lavinia sat with his hands, Bill and Hopper, with its workwoman Eleanor, with his Aunt Doris. They looked odd, sitting on the low, soft, luxurious Earth furniture. They were all sipping some Earth drink of a color which Rod had never seen before. Their expressions were diverse: Bill looked truculent, Hopper looked greedy, Aunt Doris looked utterly embarrassed, and Lavinia looked as though she were enjoying herself.
“And then here…” said the Lord Redlady.
The man he pointed to might not have been a man. He was the Norstrilian type all right, but he was a giant, of the kind which were always killed in the Garden of Death.
“At your service,” said the giant, who was almost three meters tall and who had to watch his head, lest it hit the ceiling, “I am Donald Dumfrie Hordern Anthony Garwood Gaines Wentworth to the fourteenth generation, Mister and Owner McBan. A military surgeon, at your service, sir!”
“But this is private. Surgeons aren’t allowed to work for anybody but government.”
“I am on loan to the Earth Government,” said Wentworth, the giant, his face in a broad grin.
“And I,” said the Lord Redlady, “am both the Instrumentality and the Earth Government for diplomatic purposes. I borrowed him. He’s under Earth rules. You will be well in two or three hours.”
The doctor, Wentworth, looked at his hand as though he saw a chronograph there:
“Two hours and seventeen minutes more.”
“Let it be,” said the Lord Redlady, “here’s our last guest.”
A short, angry man stood up and came over. He glared out at Rod and held forth an angry hand.
“John Fisher to the hundredth. You know me.”
“Do I?” said Rod, not impolitely. He was just dazed.
“Station of the Good Fresh Joey,” said Fisher.
“I haven’t been there,” said Rod, “but I’ve heard of it.”
“You needn’t have,” snapped the angry Fisher. “I met you at your grandfather’s.”
“Oh, yes, Mister and Owner Fisher,” said Rod, not really remembering anything at all, but wondering why the short, red-faced man was so angry with him.
“You don’t know who I am?” said Fisher. “I handle the books and the credits for the government.”
“Wonderful work,” said Rod. “I’m sure it’s complicated. Could I have something to eat?”
The Lord Redlady interrupted: “Would you like French pheasant with Chinesian sauce steeped in the thieves’ wine from Viola Siderea? It would only cost you six thousand tons of refined gold, orbited near Earth, if I ordered it sent to you by special courier.”
For some inexplicable reason the entire room howled with laughter. The men put their glasses down so as not to spill them. Hopper seized the opportunity to refill his own glass. Aunt Doris looked hilarious and secretly proud, as though she herself had laid a diamond egg or done some equal marvel. Only Lavinia, though laughing, managed to look sympathetically at Rod to make sure that he did not feel mocked. The Lord Redlady laughed as loudly as the rest and even the short, angry John Fisher allowed himself a wan smile, while holding out his hand for a refill on his drink. An animal, a little one which looked very much like an extremely small person, lifted up the bottle and filled his glass for him; Rod suspected that it was a “monkey” from Old Old Earth, from the stories he had heard.
Rod didn’t even say, “What’s the joke?” though he realized plainly that he was himself in the middle of it. He just smiled weakly back at them, feeling the hunger grow within him.
“My robot is cooking you an Earth dish. French toast with maple syrup. You could live ten thousand years on this planet and never get it. Rod, don’t you know why we’re laughing? Don’t you know what you’ve done?”
“The Onseck tried to kill me, I think,” said Rod. Lavinia clapped her hand to her mouth, but it was too late.
“So that’s who it was,” said the doctor, Wentworth, with a voice as gigantic as himself.
“But you wouldn’t laugh at me for that—” Rod started to say. Then he stopped himself. An awful thought had come to him. “You mean, it really worked? That stuff with my family’s old computer.”
The laughter broke out again. It was kind laughter, but it was always the laughter of a peasant people, driven by boredom, who greet the unfamiliar with attack or with laughter.
“You did it,” said Hopper. “You’ve brought a billion worlds.”
John Fisher snapped at him, “Let’s not exaggerate. He’s gotten about one point six stroon years. You couldn’t buy any billion worlds for that. In the first place, there aren’t a billion settled worlds, not even a million. In the second place, there aren’t many worlds for sale. I doubt that he could buy thirty or forty.” The little animal, prompted by some imperceptible sign from the Lord Redlady, went out of the room and returned with a tray. The odor from the tray made all the people in the room sniff appreciatively. The food was unfamiliar, but it combined pungency and sweetness. The monkey fitted the tray into an artfully concealed slot at the head of Rod’s couch, took off an imaginary monkey cap, saluted, and went back to his own basket behind the Lord Redlady’s chair.
The Lord Redlady nodded, “Go ahead and eat, boy. It’s on me.”
Rod sat up. His shirt was still blood-caked and he realized that it was almost worn out.
“That’s an odd sight, I must say,” said the huge doctor Wentworth. “There’s the richest man in many worlds, and he hasn’t the price of a new pair of overalls.”
“What’s odd about that? We’ve always charged an import fee of twenty million percent of the orbit price of goods,” snapped angry John Fisher. “Have you ever realized what other people have swung into orbit around our sun, just waiting for us to change our minds so they could sell us half the rubbish in the universe. This planet would be knee-deep in junk if we ever dropped our tariff. I’m surprised at you, doctor, forgetting the fundamental rules of Old North Australia!”
“He’s not complaining,” said Aunt Doris, whom the drink had made loquacious. “He’s just thinking. We all think.”
“Of course we all think. Or daydream. Some of us leave and go off-planet to be rich people on other worlds. A few of us even manage to get back here on severe probation when we realize what the offworlds are like. I’m just saying,” said the doctor, “that Rod’s situation would be very funny to everybody except us Norstrilians. We’re all rich with the stroon imports, but we’ve kept ourselves poor in order to survive.”
“Who’s poor?” snapped the fieldhand Hopper, apparently touched at a sensitive point. “I can match you with megacredits, doc, any time you care to gamble. Or I’ll meet you with throwing knives, if you want them better. I’m as good as the next man!”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” said John Fisher. “Hopper here can argue with anybody on the planet. We’re still equals, we’re still free, we’re not the victims of our own wealth — that’s Norstrilia for you!”
Rod looked up from his food and said, “Mister and Owner Secretary Fisher, you talk awfully well for somebody who is not a freak like me. How do you do it?”