It knocked me wordless. My heart stopped so abruptly, I was afraid it wasn’t going to start anymore. “I’m done. You can leave now, if you want to,” I said evenly. I couldn’t believe he’d want otherwise—in my experience, staying was the exception, and leaving, the rule. I hated the thought of him being gone, but maybe it was for the best, to untangle us from this intimacy we’d sunk into.
“Can I?”
I nodded. “I promise I’m fine. I don’t need you to keep hugging me, or—”
“I’m not hugging you.”
“Yes, you—”
“No, here’s what’s happening.” He shifted us around until we were lying down, not unlike the way we’d fallen asleep earlier. Except that he was definitely hugging me, pulling me into his chest and holding me there. Whenever I breathed in, his clean scent filled my lungs. “I’m waiting for you to calm down. Once you’re not upset anymore, we can fool around again. Then I’ll go home. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said. It sounded like a good, not overdramatic plan. And despite the night’s events, I was, above all, not overdramatic.
“Perfect. Just close your eyes and relax, okay? The sooner you relax, the sooner we can do something fun.”
“Like what?”
“We could fuck again—that worked well. Or maybe you can suck me off. I’ll think about it.”
I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down. It was going to be good, moving back to the sex. Something I was familiar with. Something I could control.
But I relaxed a little too much, and ended up falling into an exhausted, dreamless sleep in under a minute. We did not fuck, and I did not suck him off, and he did not go home.
Instead, Eli’s arms stayed around me for the rest of the night.
29
EVEN IF YOU DON’T
RUE
Eli woke up at dawn, cursed softly, and gently disentangled from me.
I didn’t pretend to be dead to the world, but made the semiconscious choice to keep my eyes closed and drift back to sleep. The last thing I remembered was his weight dipping the edge of the mattress. He lingered, perhaps looking at me. Then he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and leaned forward to gently kiss my forehead. Tired, comfortable, maybe even a little happy, I dozed off once again, lulled by the rustle of Eli pulling his clothes back on.
I didn’t wake up until several hours later, when I stumbled into the kitchen and pawed around for a mug and the coffee maker, then stopped in my tracks when I spotted the note, written on my latest unopened IRA envelope.
He’d circled my middle name on the address box (Chastity, the bane of my already plenty-baned existence), and placed three exclamation points on its right, which made my eyes roll and my lips curve. Underneath, he’d written:
Call me if you need me.
And then, right below, scribbled more hastily, as though he’d decided to add something when he was already halfway out of the door:
Call me even if you don’t.
My heart thumped, and I allowed myself to think about the previous night. I waited for the shame to catch up and crash into me, a wave of pure mortification, but it never came. I’d told Eli my worst story. And he didn’t seem to care.
A magnetic pen that read kline in blue letters and usually resided on my fridge sat next to the envelope, reminding me of what I’d have to do today.
I called in to work again, this time to take a day off. I got dressed for the record heat, grabbed my car keys, and headed out.
30
I GUESS THIS IS REVENGE
ELI
When Anton’s head peeped in the doorway to announce, “Someone’s here to see Hark,” Eli nodded without bothering to lift his eyes from the financial statement he was studying—until Minami, who sat right next to him on the stupid exercise ball she insisted on using in lieu of a chair, asked, “Is it a visibly pregnant woman holding a homemade DNA test kit?”
“I . . .” Anton shifted on his feet. “This feels like a problematic question.”
“I am a problematic person. Is it?”
“Um, no?”
“Okay. Just asking, because you’re making a really weird face.”
“What face?”
“Like you’re expecting trouble.”
“Yes. Well, no. But this woman came in, asked to talk with Hark, and when I pointed out that she didn’t have an appointment, she told me her name and said, ‘He’ll want to see me.’ Which seemed weird and kinda . . . movie-like?”
“Very movie-like,” Minami agreed with an intrigued bounce on the ball.
Eli felt a prickle of unease at the base of his neck. “What’s the woman’s name, Anton?”
“It’s . . .” He squinted at the Post-it in his hand. “Rue Siebert. Her ID checked out.”
Eli and Minami exchanged a long, teeming look.
“Tell her that Hark will be right out,” Eli instructed.
“But Hark’s on his way back from Seattle—”
“I am aware.” He held Anton’s eyes.
“Tell her anyway.”
Minami waited for them to be alone before asking, “Why is she looking for Hark and not you?”
There was a single logical answer. “She wants to ask him about Florence.”
“What?”
“He indirectly mentioned Florence at dinner the other night. Rue wants to know more, and she thinks he’ll tell her.”
“But why wouldn’t she ask you?”
Why, indeed.
He’d been expecting her to dig into the matter, ever since she’d found the file in his car. Last night he’d been tempted to bring up the deposition and tell Rue the whole sordid story, but there had been no room for that between them. Still, he thought they’d made some progress when it came to trusting each other.
And the fact that she’d rather get answers from Hark . . . Eli did not like that.
“Maybe you should wait till Hark’s back,” Minami said. “So the burden of breaking her pretty little Florence-loving heart won’t fall on you.”
“If her heart has to be broken, I’d rather it be me. That way I can help her pick up the pieces.”
“Then go ahead and tell her. If it’s not one of us, it’ll be Florence—and as we can all attest, she’s a remarkable liar. She could turn Rue against you, and then you’d lose her.”
“Lose her?” He snorted. “Do you think I have her now?”
She scanned his face. “I think you want her.”
“Yeah. I also want world peace and for my dog to live forever.”
“Come on, Eli. I’ve seen you with Mac. I’ve seen you with lots of truly amazing girls.”
“Women.”
“Oh my fucking—we’ve been joined at the hip for the past ten years, Eli.”
He shook his head and turned off his monitor, not bothering to hide his amusement. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’ve never seen you like this, Eli.”
He stopped mid-action. Resumed. “Like what?”
“When she’s around, and even when she isn’t, you’re distracted and you moon and you—have you told her how you feel?”