'Excuse me,' I said, 'but it says here that the breakfast is fourteenfifty.'
That's right, sir.'
I could feel a sudden hangover banging on the cranial gates. 'Are you telling me,' I said, 'that on top of the lavish sum I paid for a room I must additionally pay fourteenfifty for a fried egg and an oatcake?'
He allowed that this was, in essence, so. I withdrew my order and asked instead for a cup of coffee. Well, honestly.
Perhaps it was this sudden early blot on my happiness that put me in a grumpy mood or perhaps it was the drippy rain I emerged into, but Edinburgh didn't look half so fine in daylight as it had appeared the night before. Now people plodded through the streets with umbrellas and cars swished through puddles with a noise that sounded testy and impatient. George Street, the core of the New Town, presented an unquestionably fine, if damp, prospect with its statues and stately squares, but far too many of the Georgian buildings had been clumsily abused by the addition of modern frontages. Just around the corner from my hotel was an office supply shop with plateglass windows that had been grafted onto an eighteenthcentury frontage in a way that was nothing short of criminal, and there were others in like vein here and there along the surrounding streets.
I wandered around looking for some place to eat, and ended up on Princes Street. It, too, seemed to have changed overnight. Then, with homewardbound workers scurrying past, it had seemed beguiling and vibrant, exciting even, but now in the dull light of day it merely seemed listless and grey. I shuffled along it looking for a cafe or bistro, but with the exception of a couple of truly dumpy discount woollens places where the goods seemed to have beendropkicked onto display counters or were spontaneously climbing out of bins, Princes Street appeared to offer nothing but the usual array of chain establishments Boots, Littlewoods, Virgin Records, BHS, Marks & Spencer, Burger King, McDonald's. What central Edinburgh lacked, it seemed to me, was a venerable and muchloved institution a Viennesestyle coffeehouse or treasured tearoom, some place with newspapers on gripper rods, potted palms and perhaps a fat little lady playing a grand piano.
In the end, fractious and impatient, I went into a crowded McDonald's, waited a century in a long, ragged line, which made me even more fractious and impatient, and finally ordered a cup of coffee and an Egg McMuffin.
'Do you want an apple turnover with that?' asked the spotty young man who served me.
'I'm sorry,' I said, 'do I appear to be braindamaged?'
'Pardon?'
'Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't ask for an apple turnover, did I?'
'Uh . . . no.'
'So do I look as if I have some mental condition that would render me unable to request an apple turnover if I wanted one?'
'No, it's just that we're told to ask everyone like.'
'What, you think everyone in Edinburgh is braindamaged?'
'We're just told to ask everyone like.'
'Well, I don't want an apple turnover, which is why I didn't ask for one. Is there anything else you'd like to know if I don't want?'
'We're just told to ask everyone.'
'Do you remember what I do want?'
He looked in confusion at his till. 'Uh, an Egg McMuffin and a cup of coffee.'
'Do you think I might have it this morning or shall we talk some more?'
'Oh, uh, right, I'll just get it.'
'Thank you.'
Well, honestly.
Afterwards, feeling only fractionally less fractious, I stepped out to find the rain beating down. I sprinted across the road and, on an impulse, ducked into the Royal Scottish Academy, a grand pseudohellenic edifice with banners suspended between the columns, which make it look a little like a lost outpost of the Reichstag. I paid .1.50 for a ticket and, shaking myself dry like a dog, shuffled in. They were having their autumn show or perhaps it was their winter show or perhaps it was their annual show. I couldn't say because I didn't notice any signs and the pictures were labelled with numbers. You had to pay an extra .2 for a catalogue to find out what was what, which frankly annoys me when I have just parted with .1.50. (The National Trust does this, too puts numbers on the plants and trees in its gardens and so on, so that you have to buy a catalogue which is one reason why I won't be leaving my fortune to the National Trust.) The works in the RSA exhibition extended over many rooms and appeared to fall chiefly into four categories: (1) boats on beaches, (2) lonely crofts, (3) halfclad girlfriends engaged in their toilette, and, for some reason, (4) French street scenes, always with at least one shop front saying BOULANGERIE or EPICERIE so that there was no possibility of mistaking the setting for Fraserburgh or Arbroath.
Many of the pictures indeed most were outstanding, and when I saw red gummed circles attached to some of them I not only realized that they were for sale but developed a sudden, strange hankering to buy one myself. So I started making trips to the lady at the front desk and saying, 'Excuse me, how much is number 125?' She would look it up and state a figure several hundred pounds beyond what I was prepared to pay, so I would wander off again and after a bit come back and say, 'Excuse me, how much is number 47?' At one point, I saw a picture I particularly liked a painting of Solway Firth by a fellow named Colin Park and she looked it up and told me that it was .125. This was a good price and I was prepared to buy it then and there even if I had to carry it all the way to John O'Groats under my arm, but then she discovered that she had read the wrong line, that the .125 picture was a little thing about three inches square and that the Colin Park was very considerably more than that, so I went off again. Eventually, when my legs began to tire, I tried a new tack and asked her what she had for .50 or less, and when it turned out there was nothing, I left, discouraged in my quest but .2 richer in regard to the catalogue.
Then I went to the Scottish National Gallery, which I liked even better and not just because it was free. The Scottish National Gallery is tucked away behind the RSA and doesn't look much from outside, but inside it was very grand in an imperial, nineteenthcentury sort of way, with red baize walls, outsized pictures in extravagant frames, scattered statues of naked nymphs and furniture trimmed in gilt, so that it rather brought to mind astroll through Queen Victoria's boudoir. The pictures were not only outstanding, but they had labels telling you their historical background and what the people in them were doing, which I think is to be highly commended and in fact should be made mandatory everywhere.
I read these instructive notes gratefully, pleased to know, for instance, that the reason Rembrandt looked so glum in his selfportrait was that he had just been declared insolvent, but in one of the salons I noticed that there was a man, accompanied by a boy of about thirteen, who didn't need the labels at all.
They were from what I suspect the Queen Mother would call the lower orders. Everything about them murmured poorness and material want poor diet, poor income, poor dentistry, poor prospects, even poor laundering but the man was describing the pictures with a fondness and familiarity that were truly heartwarming and the boy was raptly attentive to his every word. 'Now this is a later Goya, you see,' he was saying in a quiet voice. 'Just look at how controlled those brush strokes are a complete change in style from his earlier work. D'ye remember how I told you that Goya didn't paint a single great picture till he was nearly fifty? Well, this is a great picture.' He wasn't showing off, you understand; he was sharing.
I have often been struck in Britain by this sort of thing by how mysteriously well educated people from unprivileged backgrounds so often are, how the most unlikely people will tell you plant names in Latin or turn out to be experts on the politics of ancient Thrace or irrigation techniques at Glanum. This is a country, after all, where the grand final of a programme like Mastermind is frequently won by cab drivers and footplatemen. I have never been able to decide whether that is deeply impressive or just appalling whether this is a country where engine drivers know about Tintoretto and Leibniz or a country where people who know about Tintoretto and Leibniz end up driving engines. All I know is that it exists more here than anywhere else.