In the shower, Frank thought about how he had always believed the ridiculous adage about how if a nail were lost, the shoe would be lost, the horse lost, the battle lost and so on to an avalanche of failure. He accepted these things as an aborigine accepts the airplane, as the poor accept Republicans. He knew that this was a useful thought process that would cease when he ran out of hot water. Since the house had only a thirty-gallon tank, his capacity for fruitful contemplation was limited.
As the water cooled, and as he realized he had to save a little for shaving, he homed right in on this new loneliness which came not simply from solitude but from ambiguity about his everyday activities, activities that had long been a source of comfort. It was clear that beyond meeting living requirements, the only joy in business lay in humiliating the neighbors. Frank didn’t even know who they were! He probably ought to observe them again soon. In his present state, the bristling quest for humiliation by people in their big new cars and sprawling houses seemed healthy, a formula for happiness, a spiritual elixir, a sovereign to the hot-blooded in their pointy shoes.
The sun was just up and hardening its light for the day when Frank got downstairs, where he found Phil Page making himself a pot of coffee. “You eat breakfast?” Frank asked. He always took the tone of immediately continuing some previous conversation.
“I had some doughnuts.”
“I’m going to make something. You want something?”
“Sure, I’ll eat it.”
Frank beat some eggs in a bowl and got out a loaf of bread. “Can you eat French toast made with raisin bread?”
“Sounds great.”
“So what’s going on?”
“A lot.”
“Really. Well, let me get this on first. You want to grab the OJ out of the fridge? Just put the carton on the table.”
“Man,” said Phil from the refrigerator, “you need to clean this baby out. This shit is growing some blue fur. Fucking penicillin nightmare.”
Frank put their breakfast on the table and sat down. When Phil sat, after dramatically washing his hands, Frank said, “Okay, go ahead.” He was checking out Phil’s long beard. It made him look like an old Appalachian miner. Phil had to pull it to one side while he ate, and it looked like a lot of trouble. Frank couldn’t imagine it helped his love life, unless women liked something like that waving around on their tits. It seemed unlikely. One hardly knew what they wanted. He remembered the sense of terror he had had when a woman psychiatrist he met at the Big Sky Ski Resort told him, democratically illustrating how she was human too, that there was nothing she enjoyed more than a cold bottle of Kristal champagne and a good spanking.
“It was on the radio last night,” Phil said. “Some rancher said he wanted to shoot a wolf. He said he wanted to get caught so he could say his piece in court.”
“That’s too bad but it’s no surprise. I heard the only one left was a male, but that was from my secretary and I don’t think she cares.”
“There’s only one left. A big silver female.”
“How do you know there’s even one left?” Frank asked.
“She’s got a radio collar on her. That’s the one the Fish and Wildlife is tracking. They’re hoping she doesn’t get killed. She’s the last one. But that rancher said there’s lots more like him and they’re gonna get that wolf one way or the other.”
“Is this going to be enough French toast for you?”
“Yeah, it’s real good.”
“It’s easy to make.”
“Just dip the bread in there, right? And fry it?”
“That’s it. So, we’re talking about Smokie, right?”
“Right,” Phil said. “I’m thinking she must be trying to follow that wolf around, trying to keep it from getting shot.” Frank offered him the last of his French toast. “No thanks, you eat that. I’ve had plenty. Take a look at this.” Phil picked up what looked like a portable radio with a wide antenna on its top.
“What is it?”
“It’s a radio direction finder. I stole it from the Fish and Wildlife truck.”
“Oh, Phil. What are you going to do with it?”
“I’m going to find where the wolf is hanging out, and that way I’ll find Smokie,” said Phil. “Maybe it’ll keep something from happening to her.”
“Huh. Good luck. Hey, you know what? I think I’m drinking too much.”
“Is that right. Do you think it’s got you?”
“I was reading in the National Geographic about the Bay of Fundy, where they have these thirty-foot tides. You can walk out for miles on the bottom of the bay at low tide and pick up fish and clams and lobster. But you better know when the tide is coming back in. If you wait till it reaches your ankles, you’ll never reach the shore alive. I think maybe that’s the way booze works. I’m thinking I better watch it.”
“I let it get to my ankles,” Phil said. “I know that.” He got up and walked over to the window, drew the curtain back and looked into the next yard. “I already know that. But anyway, look, here’s what I’m thinking. Maybe we better find her. Who knows what some of them cowboys are liable to do if she gets between them and the wolf, which is what she’s trying to do.”
“Where’s this last wolf supposed to be?”
“Over in the Tobacco Root Mountains.”
“That’s not the easiest place in the world to get around.”
“I want you to go in there and help me find her,” said Phil. “I can’t do it alone.”
“Can you give me till tonight to figure out when I can go?” Frank knew that this high-minded notion would soon blow over. “Because you know what I’m doing today?” He was standing now. He straightened an imaginary bow tie, as though he were headed for the moment that would turn his life to dream.
“What are you doing today?”
“I’m going to see Gracie.”
“Gracie,” Phil said as his face helplessly darkened. “What’s she doing back in town?”
“How the hell should I know? What’s Smokie doing in Montana? What’s June doing on a Buick lot?”
“What’s my wife doing fucking the doctor?”
“And so on. Exactly.”
44
The library had a room that housed the papers of several early Montana governors. It had a long table meant for research, and beside it a tall south-facing window that framed the shape of a terrific maple that stood within a low-walled court. The maple fractured the intense southern light and filled the room with a blue, green and silver glow. Frank loved to imagine the contemplative people whose horizons were undiminished by a thirty-gallon hot water tank and who would let this fine and eternal light accompany the life of the mind.
“How’s this?”
“This is fine,” said Gracie. She set her bag on the table and took the back of her chair in her hands. Frank knew what would be in that bag: a Walkman and tapes, an apple, a plastic rain parka, an address book, a wallet, a paperback and at least one complete anomaly: once it was a New Orleans phone book, once a field guide to spiders.
“So, let’s sit down,” he said. They sat on either side of the table, as though they were at a meeting. Well, this was a meeting. Frank felt a sweeping comfort. Something near his center was entering repose. His head retired. He knew it was only a matter of time before the center boiled over and the head was back in charge.