In the kitchen of her conapt Kathy Sweetscent lifted a small paring knife with difficulty, attempted to cut a purple onion but found to her incredulity that she had somehow slashed her finger; she stood mutely holding the knife, watching the crimson drops slide from her finger to merge with the water sprinkled across her wrist. She could no longer handle even the most commonplace object. The damn drug! she thought with embittered fury. Every minute it's making me more powerless. Now everything defeats me. So how the hell am I going to fix dinner?
Standing behind her, Jonas Ackerman said with concern, 'Something has to be done for you, Kathy.' He watched her as she went to the bathroom for a Band-Aid. 'Now you're spilling the Band-Aids everywhere; you can't even handle that.' He complained, 'If you'd tell me what it is, what—'
'Put the Band-Aid on for me, will you?' She stood silently as Jonas wrapped her cut finger. 'It is JJ-180,' she blurted suddenly, without premeditation. 'I'm on it, Jonas. The 'Star-men did it. Please help me, get me off it. Okay?'
Shaken, Jonas said, 'I – don't know exactly what I can do, because it's such a new drug. Of course we'll get in touch with our subsidiary right away. And the whole company will back you up, including Virgil.'
'Go talk to Virgil right now.'
'Now? Your time sense, Kathy; you feel this urgency because of the drug. I can see him tomorrow.'
'Damn it, I'm not going to die because of this drug. So you better see him tonight, Jonas; do you understand?'
After a pause Jonas said, 'I'll call him.'
'The vidlines are tapped. By the 'Starmen.'
'That's a paranoid idea. From the drug.'
'I'm afraid of them,' she said trembling. They can do anything. You go and see Virgil face to face, Jonas; calling isn't enough. Or don't you care what happens to me?'
'Of course I care! Okay, I'll go and see the old man. But will you be all right alone?'
'Yes,' Kathy said. 'I'll just sit in the living room and do nothing. I'll just wait for you to come back with some kind of help. What could happen to me if I don't try to do anything, if I just sit there?'
'You might get yourself into a state of morbid agitation. You might be swamped by panic . .. start to run. If it's true you're on JJ-180—'
'It's true!' she said loudly. 'Do you think I'm kidding?'
'Okay,' Jonas said, giving in. He led her to the couch in the living room, sat her down. 'God, I hope you'll be all right – I hope I'm not making a mistake.' He was sweating and pale, his face wizened with worry. 'See you in about half an hour, Kathy. Christ, if something goes wrong, Eric'11 never forgive me and I won't blame him.' The apartment door shut after him. He did not even say good-by.
She was alone.
At once she went to the vidphone and dialed. 'A cab.' She gave her address and hung up.
A moment later, her coat over her shoulders, she hurried from the building and out onto the nocturnal sidewalk.
When the autonomic cab had picked her up she instructed it by means of the card which Corning had given her.
If I can get more of the drug, she thought, my mind will clear and I can reason out what I have to do; as I am now I can't think. Anything I decide now, in this state, would be spurious. I owe it to myself to restore the normal functioning – or rather the desired functioning – of my faculties; without that I can't plan or survive and I'm doomed. I know, she thought fiercely, that the only way out for me would be suicide; it's just a matter of a few hours at the most. And Jonas couldn't help me in that short a time.
The only way I could have gotten rid of him, she realized, is the way I chose; by telling him of my addiction. Otherwise he would have hung around me forever and I never would have had a chance to get to Corning for more. I gained the opportunity I need, but now the Ackermans understand what's wrong with me and they'll try even harder to keep me from going to Cheyenne and joining Eric. Maybe I should go there tonight, not even return to my apartment. Just take off as soon as I have the capsules. Leave everything I own behind, abandoned.
How demented can you get? she asked herself. And it required only one exposure to JJ-180 to do this; what'll I be like when I've taken it repeatedly ... or even just twice.
The future, to her, was mercifully obscure. She frankly did not know.
'Your destination, miss.' The cab settled onto the rooftop landing field of a building. That will be one dollar and twenty cents US plus a twenty-five-cent tip.'
'Screw you and the tip,' Kathy said, opening her purse; her hands shook and she could barely get out the money.
'Yes, miss,' the autonomic cab said obediently.
She paid and then stepped out. A dull guide-light showed her descent. What a rundown building for 'Starmen to inhabit, she thought. It surely isn't good enough for them; they must be pretending to be Terrans. The only consolation was a bitter one: the 'Starmen, like Terra, were losing the war, would ultimately be defeated. Relishing that thought, she increased her pace, felt more confidence; she did not simply hate the 'Starmen: she could, for a moment, despise them.
In this fortified frame of mind she reached the conapt held by the 'Starmen, rang the bell, and waited.
It was Corning himself who answered; she saw, behind him, other 'Starmen, evidently in conference. In camera, she said to herself; I'm disturbing them. Too bad; he said to come.
'Mrs Sweetscent.' Corning turned to the people behind him. 'Isn't that a superb name? Come in Kathy.' He held the door wide.
'Give it to me out here.' She remained in the hall. 'I'm on my way to Cheyenne; you'll be glad to hear that. So don't waste my time.' She held out her hand.
An expression of pity – incredibly – passed over Coming's face; he masterfully suppressed it. But she had seen it, and this, more than anything else that had happened, even the addiction itself or her suffering when the drug had worn off – nothing shocked her so much as Coming's pity. If it could move a 'Starman. .. she cringed. Oh God, she thought; I really am in trouble. I must be on my way to death.
'Look,' she said reasonably. 'My addiction may not last forever. I've found out that you lied; the drug comes from Terra, not from the enemy, and sooner or later our subsidiary will be able to free me. So I'm not afraid.' She waited while Corning went to get the drug; at least she presumed that this was what he had gone for. He certainly had vanished somewhere.
One of the other 'Starmen, observing her leisurely, said, 'You could float that drug around Lilistar for a decade and never find anyone unstable enough to succumb.'
'Right,' Kathy agreed. That's the difference between you and us; we look alike but inside you're tough and we're weak. Gosh, I envy you. How long is it going to take Mr Corning?'
'He'll be back in a moment,' the 'Starman said. To a companion he said, 'She's pretty.'
'Yes, pretty as an animal,' the other 'Starman answered. 'So you like pretty animals? Is that why you were assigned to this?'
Corning returned. 'Kathy, I'm giving you three caps. Don't take more than one at a time. Otherwise its toxicity would probably be fatal to your heart action.'
'Okay.' She accepted the capsules. 'Do you have a cup or glass of water so I can take one right now?'
He brought her a glass, stood watching sympathetically as she swallowed the capsule. 'I'm doing this,' she explained, 'to clear my mind so that I can plan what to do. I've got friends helping me. But I will go to Cheyenne because a deal is a deal, even with you. Can you give me the name of someone there – you know, who can give me further supplies when I need them? If I need them, I mean.'
'We have no one in Cheyenne who can help you. I'm very much afraid you'll have to travel back here when your three caps are gone.'