I smiled, and held him closer.
Even then, after all that, he was still fizzing with energy, his hands so restless. He was running his fingers through my short, short hair, while the other hand moved over my arm, my stomach, my side. He shifted over so we were face-to-face, and softly traced the line of my jaw with his finger.
“Funny, you seem more like a girl with your hair short. Can see your face.” He kissed my forehead, my nose, my chin, down in a line. “Your pretty face.”
No one had ever called me pretty before. I’m fairly sure no one had ever thought it, either.
“I thought I told you never to say anything nice to me.”
He snorted. “Oh, yeah, I promised, didn’t I? That doesn’t count, though.”
“Why not? A promise is a promise, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but that was before I fell in love with you.”
It was too much, too new. I reacted how I always had. I said the thing I always said.
“Fuck off!”
“OK, forget it.” His hurt was so intense it was physical, a black moon hanging over us where we lay.
Oh, my God, what had I done?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to behave.”
“It’s alright, Jem.” But he’d let go of me, moved away.
“No, it isn’t. I’m an idiot.” If I’d said it back to him, there and then, if I’d said I loved him. If…if…if.
Without his warmth, the blanket was hopelessly inadequate, and the cold that had been lurking in my hands and feet spread all over me, making me shiver violently. I sat up and began to cast about for my clothes, cursing yet again our lack of a flashlight. Whatever I found, I put on, no bra or panties, only one sock, and that felt like Spider’s, a sweater, my jeans; the rest would have to wait until there was some light. A few feet away, Spider was doing the same. It felt like something was over between us. I’d killed it with my big mouth.
I curled up, but even with some clothes on, I was chilled right through. When you think about it, if you’re going to dance around in the rain with your clothes off in December, and then roll about in a barn, butt-naked, you’re going to get cold, aren’t you? I guess being hungry didn’t help, either. I could hear Spider shifting about as he bedded down. He sighed. Could have been just breathing out, but to me there was frustration, anger, sadness in that sigh. I wanted to reach out to him, but was frightened he’d just shrug me off.
We lay there in silence. Behind us, even the cows were quieter. They’d settled down in the hay and their own filth and were just gently chewing and breathing. I was too cold to sleep, and there was no way I could even try with this wall of silence between us. I needed him.
“Are you awake?” I whispered, my voice nearly disappearing in the darkness of the huge barn.
“Yeah.”
“I’m freezing.”
“I know. Me, too.” A pause. A long, long pause. “Come here, then.”
I shuffled over to him as he turned over. He wrapped one of his long arms around my shoulders and I snuggled into him.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For earlier.”
“It’s fine, Jem, shut up. It’s in the past.”
“Yeah, but…I didn’t mean to say it. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know. It’s alright. We’re alright. Lovers’ tiff, eh?” He kissed the end of my nose, moved down to my mouth, and suddenly it was alright again.
And as we breathed in each other’s breath and I buried my hands in his spongy hair, I thought, Lovers, yes, we’re lovers now. We came up for air and lay cuddling. My hands were still cold, and he took them and slid them under his clothes onto the bare skin of his chest and stomach to warm them up.
“Wouldn’t it be good if you could start again?” I said. “I feel like my life’s screwed up before I’ve even got started.”
“Tell me about it.” He turned over to face me again, and my hands moved around him, my arms enclosing him. “But we are starting again, Jem. If I hadn’t met you, it probably would have been dope and pills and smoking crack and shooting up junk. Prison. Hospitalization. That’s how it would have been for me, but you saved me from that. It’s going to be different for us now.”
I dug my fingernails into his back, felt the tears burning my eyes.
“Ow! What’s that for? Leaving your mark on me?”
“No, just holding you tight.” And he held me, too, and we had sex again, only it was making love this time, slow and tender. And I didn’t just lie there, I was part of it: moving and kissing, stroking and sighing. It was like I was someone else, but I wasn’t. This was me, the real me, and Spider was the only person ever to have found me, to see me for who I was. And I saw him, too. He was beautiful.
Afterward, I lay in the crook of his arm, my hand resting on his chest, and he was still, not a twitch or a tremor. We were peaceful and calm together, and I fell asleep with his warm breath on my face and his heart beating next to mine.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I was waking up slowly, still in a dream, not knowing what was real and what wasn’t. I could hear the warm, deep noises of cows talking to each other. My nostrils were full of earthy, shitty air – animal and vegetable all mixed up. I was curled up on my side as usual, but my back was warm, there was something heavy lying across me, and I felt enclosed. I opened my eyes to face a wall of hay. I looked down and there was Spider’s arm draped over my waist. He was on his side, too, curved into my body.
It was just getting light. The cows were struggling to their feet, kicking the hay around – I guess that’s what woke me up. I put my hand onto Spider’s arm and hugged him in closer. That little movement woke him up, and he nuzzled the top of my head, planted a kiss.
“We’d better get up, it’s morning,” I whispered.
Spider groaned. “OK,” he said. “Just five more minutes.”
And so we lay together a little longer. I was awake now, my mind going over the night before. Was it real? Was I different? Spider fell asleep again, I could tell by the weight of his arm, his heavy, even breath on my scalp.
I started getting worried about someone finding us there. Surely someone would come up to check on the cows. They didn’t just leave them for days, did they? I swiveled around under his arm, rubbed my hands up and down his chest to wake him up.
“Come on, we’ve got to go.”
He opened one lazy eye. “Whassahurry?”
“We need to get out of here, it’s getting light.” I wriggled out of his arms and sat up. There were bits of clothing all over the place, socks trodden into the filthy ground. Oh, yeah, it was real.
I gathered up my clothes and did my best to brush the crap off them, then undressed in order to get dressed properly again. I felt more self-conscious in the cold light of day, and quickly put on my T-shirt, then squirmed around getting my bra on underneath it.
“What you doing that for?” a sleepy voice asked. “I’ve seen it all now. You don’t need to hide.”
“I know,” I said, “I’m just cold. Anyway, get up. Here…” I balled up the sock of his that I’d been wearing and chucked it at him.
“Yeah, yeah.”
Once dressed, there was nothing to do but leave. Nothing for breakfast, not even a drink. The cows had lined up by their fence and were watching us curiously, their breath steaming in the cold morning air. We put the blankets in a couple of bags and left. There was no question about what we had to do today – we needed to find a bit of civilization – so we followed the path back to the main road. Spider carried our plastic bags. As we set off, he put them both in one hand and gently scooped up one of mine in his free one. We walked along, side by side, not speaking. When the path narrowed, he went a bit in front, but didn’t let go of me, and we carried on, me with my arm reaching forward, him reaching back. Sounds soppy, doesn’t it, like we’d mushed into sickly boyfriend-girlfriend stuff? But it wasn’t like that. We were just together now. Properly together.